


Pancakes

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Anal Sex, Arguments, BDSM, BDSM Scene, Biting, Body Dysphoria, Boot Worship, Car Sex, Crossdressing, Crying, D/s, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Face Slapping, Flogging, Food, Foot Fetish, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Play, Insecurity, Jealousy, Kink, Loneliness, Masochism, Misunderstandings, Munches, Nipple Piercings, Nonbinary Character, Oral Sex, Other, Polyamory, Pressure Play, Public Sex, Punching, Rope Bondage, Shibari, Slapping, Sub Drop, Top Drop, Trampling, emotional breakdown, gender feels, kicking, strap on, transgender character, will add tags as needed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 12:14:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 63,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11691390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Suzy couldn't sleep, so she texted Barry. But what was he doing up at this ridiculous hour, let alone in a diner?





	Pancakes

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by the ever lovely Angel!
> 
> Written for the Game Grumps Big Bang!

The whole thing began because of insomnia. 

A lot of weird life choices have probably been brought about by insomnia, to say nothing of brilliant inventions.

Suzy wouldn’t have minded an idea for a brilliant invention, right about now.

So far, her brain was just chasing itself in circles about some expense account thing, which was making her want to grind her teeth.

Arin was sleeping like the dead, assuming the dead snore and drool and occasionally mumble something.

With a sigh, Suzy got out of bed, making her way towards the living room.

She could lie on the couch, watch something inane on TV, see if that would work.

She took her phone with her as well, because why not?

* * *

The couch was lovely and cool, after the heat of the bed, and the heat that Arin radiated like that goddamn elephant’s foot in the ruins of Chernobyl. 

… wow, her brain was going places, if those were the similes that her brain seemed to be interested in tonight. 

She covered her face with both hands, stretching luxuriously, and then she took her own picture, pulling a silly face for her selfie. 

_Can’t sleep_ she wrote as a caption, and posted it.

Maybe Barry would be up - he suffered from bouts of insomnia himself sometimes, and it wouldn’t hurt to give him a poke. At least she could send him a nice wake up message.

She sat up, fixed her hair a bit, and she smiled into her camera. 

“Hi, Bar,” she said, and she blew a kiss to the camera. “Wish you were here - I could use some company.”

She closed snapchat, put her phone on her cleavage, and settled in for the farm report. 

On television, a man in what looked like rubber overalls droned on about the selfishness of keeping almond trees, in the drought they were in.

Her eyes were already beginning to drift shut when her phone buzzed, jolting her awake. 

It was a Snapchat from Barry.

She opened it, and she saw his familiar face, but he was… fully dressed? And sitting in what appeared to be a diner. 

There were people around him - she could hear them chattering, and someone who had a very colorful tattoo sleeve was on his right. 

“What are you doing awake?” Barry said, and he was raising an eyebrow, no doubt trying to look like he was lecturing. 

“I could ask you the same question,” Suzy fired back, and sent him her own disapproving look. 

“I was at a party,” came the answer back. 

She got another snapchat, and it was a picture of a big stack of cheap diner pancakes, filled with blueberries. 

Her mouth watered.

“What kinda party takes you to a diner?” 

Lacking anything else to take a picture, she used her own foot.

“One that’s very late and strenuous,” said Barry. 

Someone said something off screen, not quite discernable, and Barry burst out laughing, as did all the other people in the diner. 

Then the video shut off.

A little pang of jealousy hit Suzy in the chest, and that… wasn’t expected.

Was she jealous of Barry for being out with other people? Was she jealous because he had pancakes? Was it some kind of bastard offspring of the two feelings?

Who even knew.

Suzy sighed heavily, covering her face, then sent him a smiling snapchat, with the text - _What kind of strenuous activity_

_The kind that makes you sweat_

_Well, yeah, but I’ve seen you get sweaty just trying to open a pickle jar_

_Gee thanks, Suze. But yeah, you nailed it on the head. I was at a pickle jar opening party_

Suzy switched to text messaging.

_I never saw you as the crazy partying type_

_It wasn’t a crazy party. Pretty sedate, all things considered_

_What do you do with the pickle jars after you open them?_

She sent him a silly selfie, winking and sticking her tongue out.

_We eat them, duh!_

_How can you want to eat anything after all those pickles? And pickles with pancakes? EW!_

_There aren’t a lot of pickle jars. We share them_

_What, you open pickle jars and you take out a pickle, then you close the pickle jar and hand it to someone else to open?_

_Something like that, yeah_

_That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard_

_It’s how Dan eats pickles._

_Usually he spaces it out a bit. And he can usually only handle one pickle at a time_

_I feel like there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere_

Suzy sent him another raised eyebrow picture.

They had been… sort of flirting for a while.

Kind of.

The kind of flirting that said ‘you are married to my friend who is also my boss’ and ‘you are my friend and also I am married to your boss’, although sometimes the lines got a bit thin.

Suzy and Arin had talked about opening their relationship, in vague terms - Suzy was pretty sure that the reasons why were related to a certain curly haired lanky stack of coat hangers disguising itself as a man. 

She still didn’t know how she felt about it. 

Arin was the guy who got jealous of his friends having other friends.

Well, no, okay, scratch that.

Arin _was_ the one who got jealous of his friends having friends. 

He had gotten a lot better.

Dan was a good influence, it turned out. 

Who would have thought, huh?

There was another snapchat video of Barry, the little ghost blinking up at her.

She pressed it, and was greeted with the sight of… dimness.

The interior of a car.

And Barry was singing.

“It’s the three thirty in the morrrrrrning pancake song,” he warbled, not as eloquent as he usually was, “I just had pancakes and it’s three thirty in the morrrrrrrrrrrning!” 

Suzy burst out laughing, ugly laughing, through her nose, until she was snorting, and she was trying to breathe, which made her laugh harder, panting and gasping for breath. 

_Sing me something so I’ll go to sleep_ , she texted him. 

She didn’t want him to see her with her eyes red from exhaustion and her nose running from the snorting. 

He sent it via actual video this time, and it wasn’t goofy.

He was driving, and she could hear the hum of the engine - he must have attached the phone to his windshield, and was filming himself as he drove.

Drove and sang to her. 

“Suzy,” he crooned, “Suzy-girl, it’s time for sleep, it’s the end of the day. Go to sleep, dream of cats, go to sleep….” 

It was a calm, sweet melody, and maybe it was the exhaustion getting to her, but she sniffled, some unknown emotion welling up inside of her. 

She sighed, and she closed her eyes. 

“Sleep well, Suzy,” said Barry, at the end of the message, and he went under a street lamp, the light highlighting his face, then putting him back into darkness. 

It was a strangely evocative image, although she didn’t know what exactly it was invoking. 

Regardless, she nestled into the couch, closed her eyes, and fell asleep.

* * * 

Barry was sitting at his desk stiffly on Monday morning, leaning forward, then wincing.

Suzy sauntered over, leaning against his desk, her hip pressing into the corner. 

“You look tired,” she said, conversationally. 

“You don’t,” said Barry. “I guess you’re just that pretty, that you look better in everything.”

Suzy giggled. 

“I’m just wearing a shitton of makeup,” she told Barry.

She hadn’t slept much the next night, either. 

She’d debated bothering Barry, but instead she just replayed the song he’d sung for her in his car, watching the street lights change his face different colors. 

She’d fallen asleep at two instead of three, at least. 

“Well,” said Barry, “that would certainly do it.” 

He reached for his mouse, and then he winced, bringing his hand back down.

“Are you alright?” She made a sympathetic noise.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” said Barry. 

“You sure? You look like you’re in a lot of pain.”

“Yeah,” said Barry. “I just overdid it on Saturday.”

His neck was turning a bit red.

“All those pickle jars?” Suzy made sure her tone was teasing.

“Yeah,” said Barry. “Pickle jars are, uh, hard on the shoulders.”

“I could give you a shoulder rub, if that’d help?” 

“What, right here?” 

Barry was blushing harder.

“It’s not like i’m gonna rub your dick,” Suzy said, and there was more teasing in her voice nose. “Unless you’re, uh… built differently than most of the guys I’ve known?”

“No, I’m built pretty standard,” said Barry, “apart from the laser shooting nipples.”

“... laser shooting nipples?” Suzy paused, then burst out laughing.

He stared up at her, his expression completely deadpan. 

“I’ve got laser shooting nipples,” he told her.

“Like, weapon lasers, or like laser pointer lasers?”

“Laser pointer lasers, obviously,” said Barry. “Otherwise I’d never be allowed around other people - I could potentially kill someone just by sneezing in their direction.”

“So they’re sneeze powered laser pointer nipples?”

… this conversation was going odd places, but she wasn’t going to complain.

At least Barry didn’t make as many poop jokes.

Not that she didn’t love Arin - far from it - but sometimes it was nice not to have to deal with poop jokes. 

“No, they’re not sneeze powered laser nipples,” Barry said, and he frowned, and tried to cross his arms, then winced. “That would be silly.”

“And we wouldn’t want to be silly,” Suzy said. 

“Oh, no,” said Barry. “Not at all.”

“But,” said Suzy, “you didn’t answer my question; would you like a shoulder rub?”

“I mean… if it’s okay?”

“I wouldn’t offer it if it wasn’t,” Suzy told Barry.

“Well… alright,” said Barry. “I think I just pulled something, or overexerted it.”

“While opening a pickle jar.”

“Well, no,” said Barry, as he turned his chair around, so that he was staring at his computer screen, his elbows on the desk, his posture tense. 

“Really?”

Suzy’s heart beat a little faster - for some reason, she thought it was something illicit.

And then she scolded herself - there were people who went to the gym in the middle of the night, or did sports late at night. That was probably it. 

Besides, what kind of illicit was she even thinking about?

“Sometimes there are pickled eggs, or roasted bell peppers.”

Suzy rolled her eyes, and she put her hands on his shoulders. 

“Technically, pickled eggs would be pickles regardless,” she pointed out. 

“I’d disagree,” said Barry. “Pickles are pickles. You have to specify that they’re pickled eggs, otherwise they’re not just pickles.”

“Are we talking about pickles?” Ross came over as well, and he was leaning on the table as well. “When do I get my shoulder rub?”

“When you pull your shoulder out being wild and crazy on a Saturday night,” said Suzy.

“Ooo,” said Ross, and he waggled his fingers. “Barry going to crazy sex parties?”

… and Barry blushed. 

Full body blush, practically - Suzy fancied his skin heated up under her fingers, even.

“No way, dude,” said Barry, and he was clearly trying to ignore the blush. “It was just a party. We played a lot of skeeball.”

“Skeeball party? And you didn’t invite me?”

“Next time, I promise,” Barry said, in a belabored tone of voice. 

“Do pickled eggs count as pickles?” 

“No, they count as a crime against nature.” Ross pulled a face. “That’s disgusting. Why would you _pickle_ an _egg_?!” 

“Because it’s delicious,” Suzy said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Anyway, isn’t the whole point of pickling to preserve things?”

“Did you learn about that in your taxidermy class?” Ross raised an eyebrow. 

“What, about pickles?”

“I mean, one way you could preserve an animal could, theoretically, be pickling,” said Ross, and he sounded thoughtful.

“But then you can’t hang it up,” said Barry. 

“You don’t hang up every taxidermied thing,” Suzy pointed out. 

He was biting his lip, and he was starting to relax under her fingers. His eyes were glued to his computer screen and he was blushing. 

“Your back is _really_ tense, Bar,” said Suzy. “I think you need to relax more.”

“I do my best,” Barry mumbled. 

“You couldn’t hang up a pickled thing, but you could put it in a jar and put it, like, on your mantlepiece,” said Ross. 

“Who puts pickled things on their mantlepiece?” 

“I dunno,” said Ross, defensive. “Maybe you could start a trend.”

“I had a science teacher who had a preserved ferret’s head in a jar,” Barry said, sounding thoughtful. 

“Urgh,” said Ross, doing a full body shiver. “Don’t ever tell Holly that. She wants a ferret.”

“Wouldn’t it be kinda dangerous to have a ferret around when you’ve also got birds?”

“I dunno,” said Ross. “I’m pretty sure that Feathers would win.”

Suzy kept kneading at Barry’s shoulders, and he was making slightly obscene noises. 

“I’ll leave you two alone,” said Ross, and he leered.

Suzy rolled her eyes and dug her knuckle into a knot in Barry’s back.

Barry made a pained noise, and he tried to squirm away, but her hand was on his shoulder, digging in. 

“Ow,” Barry said. “Ow, ow, okay, that hurts, ow, oh, fuck, Suzy, _red_!” 

She paused. 

“Red what?” 

“It means “stop”,” Barry said, and he reached over, rubbing the spot. 

“What, like a safe word?”

She’d seen that crop up, here and there.

“Yeah,” said Barry. “Exactly like a safe word.”

He was turning red himself.

“You’ve, uh… you know about safe words?”

“I mean,” Barry said, “you could argue that this kinda thing has kinda entered the cultural lexicon. The idea of the safe word, I mean.”

Suzy gave him a Look, and her eyebrow went up.

“... what?” Barry looked defensive. Then he cleared his throat. “Thanks for, uh, helping my back. I need to get to work now.” He indicated his screen - he’d been editing his own something or other.

“Right,” said Suzy.

She knew a dismissal when she saw one.

* * * 

It wasn’t until she was at her own desk that she put her face in her hands.

Welp.

Score one for fucking up by being pushy.

She sighed, and pulled her headphones on, losing herself in her latest project.

She’d apologize to Barry, maybe get him a beer or something.

* * * 

She got a text three hours later.

Well, more accurately, she got a text half an hour later, but by then she was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn’t actually check her phone until she came up for air.

It was a text from Barry.

_I’m sorry I got snappy_

Suzy’s heart melted a little bit.

He was such a sweet guy.

She really couldn’t get over it.

_It’s okay. I’m sorry I was so pushy_

_I know you do it because you care_

_Still. I know it’s not an excuse for being a jerk_

_I don’t think you were being a jerk, but your apology is accepted_

_Thank you_

_Can I take you to dinner? My treat_

_What about Arin?_

_He’s gonna Grump the night away with Dan. For all I know, they’re fucking each other in there_

_You want me to check?_

_You really think they'd be fucking in there?_

_Nah. As overdramatic as Dan is, I can’t imagine him cumming quietly_

_I shared an apartment with him. I am all too aware_

_So wanna go with me to get pancakes?_

_I had pancakes on Saturday night/Sunday morning_

_Yeah, and you showed me a picture, and it made me want them. So let’s get pancakes!_

_I can’t argue with that exclamation point. When are we heading off?_

_Three hours?_

_Sounds good_

* * * 

Suzy and Barry sat across from each other, in the small greasy spoon that probably made all its money from the neverending stream of construction workers coming in from whatever new development was being built up or knocked down. 

Suzy had a pile of pancakes, and Barry had a burger.

“I’m sorry I was being pushy,” Suzy said. “And about… you know, bugging you about what you were doing. What you do on your Saturday nights - or any night that I’m not hanging out with you or working with you - is your business.”

“It’s alright,” Barry said. 

“... I really like skeeball,” said Suzy. “Remember? When we went to Dave and Busters?”

“I remember,” said Barry, and he grinned. 

“Maybe invite me along next time?”

“The next time I go to skeeball, I will most definitely invite you,” Barry said, his tone grave. “I promise.”

She smiled at him, and took a bite out of her pancake.

Why had he been so embarrassed about skeeball, anyway? Was it at some kind of skeezy club or something like that? 

They ate in silence, the other patrons clattering around them, the vinyl of the booth sticking to the backs of Suzy’s thighs.

After about five minutes, Barry cleared his throat, and he looked up at her. 

Then he sighed.

“Okay,” Barry said slowly. “I haven’t been… completely honest with you.”

“No?” 

“No,” said Barry. “I… want to tell you a thing, but can you promise not to tell anyone else about it?”

“I won’t tell anyone,” said Suzy. “I promise.”

What was he doing? Had he joined Fight Club or something?

“I’m… I’m not going to skeeball,’ said Barry, and he sighed, putting his elbows on the table. “I’m actually going to… to BDSM parties.”

“What, like, Fifty Shades of Gray?”

Wow. 

That was a dumb response.

Especially considering the look on Barry’s face. 

“I mean, superficially, I guess?” He laughed, and some of the tension fell off of his face. “That’s how I hurt my shoulders. I was swinging a flogger, and I moved something wrong a few times too many, and, well….”

“So you _are_ going to crazy sex parties,” Suzy said.

Was she surprised?

Was she… jealous?

She didn’t even know.

“Well, no, I just go to parties where people, like, beat each other up, or spank each other, or wrap people in plastic wrap, or -”

All she could think of was that one bit from Twin Peaks - _She’s dead! Wrapped in plastic!_

“Plastic wrap? That’s a thing?”

“I mean, everything is a thing if you think about it,” Barry said, and he laughed. 

He was more relaxed than he’d been in weeks, Suzy realized.

Huh. 

"So, uh, can I ask how you found out about this stuff? If that's not too rude." Suzy shifted in her seat, the vinyl of the booth still sticky.

"Well, uh, when I was, like, in college, I used to browse some of the weirder porn," Barry said, and he was turning a darker red. "I, um. Also. As a kid. As a kid, I used to be really into, um, into a few cartoons, where someone got tied up, or someone got whipped -"

"I meant the parties," Suzy said, and she was blushing as well. 

She’d seen a few things about the BDSM… community, if that was the term, over the course of her life, but she had never really thought of anyone she knew being involved in that kind of thing.

"Oh!" Barry laughed, and then he ate a fry, possibly to try to save face. "Well, uh, I have an online friend who just recently moved to this city, and they're part of the... active scene, so they invited me to a party, since they're one of those people who know how to find these kinds of parties."

"Is it, like, a special skill or something?"

"Nothing like that," said Barry. "They're just very discrete, and if you don't know where to look for stuff like announcements, or where to RSVP, you're kinda stuck."

"Why are they so paranoid?" 

"I wouldn't call it paranoia," said Barry, and he leaned forward into his booth, his elbows on the table, his chin in his hands. "A lot of this stuff is like... borderline illegal. You can't legally assault someone, and this stuff is viewed as assault. And a lot of people could lose jobs, or custody of their kids, or have trouble with immigration if they're working on that...."

"What, really?" Suzy took a bite of pancake, the sweetness engulfing her like a tsunami. 

She'd never thought of the risks of doing kinky shit.

She'd done some kinky shit with Arin - pegging, tying him to the headboard, a few toys here and there. 

But this? The idea of all of this, as a... social hobby?

That was fucking weird.

And fascinating.

She had to know more. 

"So... were you so sore from all the beatings you got? What do you get hit with? Why do you like it?"

"I'm actually not the one who's getting hit," said Barry. He blushed, and he took a bite of his burger. "I, um, actually... I'm the one who does the hitting."

"So how'd you fuck your shoulder up?" 

Barry?

As a Top, or a Dom, or whatever the hell the term was?

That... felt weird.

He was so sweet, so calm, so... goofy.

This was all so weird.

"I threw a flogger wrong," said Barry, and he laughed. 

"What, like... threw it?" Suzy made a baseball throwing motion.

"No, no," said Barry. "That's what it's called when you, you know, use a flogger."

"I'm gonna have to research this stuff," said Suzy. "It sounds interesting." 

"At the end of the day," Barry said, "it's a hobby. It's a weird hobby, but, like...."

"I turn dead animals into art," Suzy said, nodding in agreement. "Just about all hobbies are weird." 

"If you look at them, yeah," said Barry, and he grinned. "This one is just less... socially acceptable."

"I dunno," said Suzy. "At least you don't smell like formaldehyde after you've been doing it."

"Nah," said Barry. "I get to smell like sweat and dungeon stank."

"What's dungeon stank smell like?" 

She'd never thought of that.

"... actually," said Barry, and he looked thoughtful, "if you cut out the smell of, like, people smelling and wearing too much leather or latex, it kinda smells like a tattoo shop."

"When have you been to a tattoo shop?" 

"I picked you up last time, remember? When Arin was on tour, and you realized you couldn't drive."

"So it smells like...."

"Antiseptic."

"Heh. Jack's alter ego?"

"... our intern has an alter ego?"

"Not that Jack, the other Jack."

"The one with the green hair?"

"Yeah."

"He's got an alter ego?" Barry looked slightly confused.

"Never mind," said Suzy. "But is that a stank?"

"A lot of dungeons are underground, so they kinda smell like... basement," said Barry, looking thoughtful. 

"Why underground?"

"I honestly have no idea," said Barry.

"How many dungeons have you been to?"

"Only two or three."

"How long have you been doing this?" 

"What, being interrogated?" Barry raised an eyebrow.

Suzy blushed. 

"Sorry," she mumbled. 

"It's okay," said Barry, and he laughed. "But yeah. I've been going to parties for like... three months."

"Really? Have you been enjoying it?"

"Yeah," said Barry, and he looked... genuinely happy, in a way that Suzy hadn't expected. "It's... there's this part of me, that I've always been a little afraid to be open about, because you know, "I sometimes like to hurt people" makes me worry that I sound like a serial killer or something, but at the same time, I've been meeting all of these people who have the same type of interest, and they're all so... normal."

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah."

"What kind of normal?"

This was all... well, fascinating. Maybe she should have been taking notes.

"Well, like... like, I got into a twenty minute argument about the merits of different Zelda games," said Barry. "I could have been at the Grump space, except for the fact that the woman I was talking to was naked and in a whole Shibari tie."

"... huh."

That... wasn't what Suzy had expected, exactly. 

She'd read Fifty Shades of Grey, and decided that the whole BDSM stuff wasn't for her - it all seemed so... intense, almost borderline boring. Everything was too solemn and how could you not burst out laughing about all that stuff?

Plus the consent issues were… iffy, to say the least. 

But now she was hearing that people just... did stuff?

That was weird. 

She needed to stop thinking the word "weird," it didn't even sound like a word anymore.

"Suzy? You okay?" Barry cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. Have I made you uncomfortable?"

"Oh, yeah," said Suzy, and now it was her turn to blush. “I mean no. I'm not uncomfortable.”

She had another pancake. "I'll, uh... I'll be really honest, and say that I've never actually, like, thought of this stuff as a social thing. I always thought it was just... whips and chains and fucking, you know?"

"I mean," said Barry, "it can be, but a lot of this stuff is just... it's a weird hobby." Then he started to grin. "It's kinda like LARPing."

"What, really?" Suzy dripped a bit of syrup on her arm, and she made a face.

She was going to be sticky.

"Oh yeah," said Barry. "People wear weird costumes and hit each other with stuff. Plus, the overlap between kinksters and nerds is... well, that particular venn diagram is basically a circle."

"Huh," said Suzy. "I wonder why that is." 

“Well,” said Barry, his expression thoughtful, “a lot of nerds are people who are willing to invest a lot of time and money into a hobby, so it’d make sense that they’d be into kink.”

“Does kink involve a lot of time and money?”

“Oh god yeah,” said Barry. “Fuck, just… like, lessons are expensive.”

“Lessons? You need actual _lessons_ on how to do kinky shit?”

Now that was a surprise!

“Yeah,” said Barry. “I mean, would you want to be someone who got a flogging from someone who didn’t know where the kidneys were supposed to be?”

“... I hadn’t thought of that,” said Suzy, and she took another bite of her pancakes.

That was… weird to think about.

On so many different levels.

The whole idea of having a… right way to hurt someone. 

That was odd. 

“You look pensive,” said Barry, his tone cautious. “You okay?”

“How did people, like… figure this stuff out?” Suzy toyed with her fork, looking down at her plate, then up at Barry, through her eyelashes. 

“What do you mean?”

“Like… okay.” Suzy took a bite, and thought as she chewed. “Like, okay, when you do stuff like flogging someone, you do it as a punishment. People have only been doing this kinky stuff since… what?”

“After World War Two,” said Barry. 

“What, really?”

Suzy tried to imagine people in fifties clothing, getting together to flog each other in dark basements. 

“Yeah. It’s… a whole history.” Barry looked thoughtful as he chewed on his burger.

“So… can I ask an awkward question?” Suzy kept her voice a bit tentative. 

“Because this whole conversation has been the absolute _model_ of normalcy, right?” 

Suzy snickered, ate more pancake, the sweetness of the blueberry filling her head, to counter the creaminess of the butter. 

“How did you realize you… like, how did you realize that you like hurting people? Did it ever… you know, worry you?”

“It did, at first,” said Barry. “I kinda… had a crisis of faith. Sort of.” He made a thinking face. “Like… I was trying to figure out if it made me a bad person or not. That’s kinda how I met Will. I asked about it on this one forum, and I was asking around about it - if it made me a bad person, if it meant I was a serial killer, or anything like that?” 

“You’re totally not a serial killer,” said Suzy, with some authority. 

“How do you know?”

“Don’t serial killers wet the bed?”

“I could wet the bed,” Barry pointed out. 

“Well, you could. But you don’t.”

“How do you know?” Barry raised an eyebrow.

“Because Dan would have mentioned it,” Suzy said. 

“He’d respect my privacy.”

“Well, yeah, but he can’t keep a secret for shit.”

“Dan knows about plenty of shit,” said Barry, “that he doesn’t talk about.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, regardless,” said Suzy, “I don’t think you’re a serial killer. Even if you do wet the bed.”

“I don’t wet the bed,” Barry said, his expression a bit “why me?”

“So you’re not a serial killer.”

“I’m not a serial killer.”

“I’m sure there are other signs of being a serial killer,” Suzy said thoughtfully.

“Wouldn’t you know most of them?” Barry’s voice was teasing. “You read all that true crime.”

“Yeah, true,” said Suzy, and she yawned. “It’s been a long day.” 

“So… are we okay?” 

“I didn’t think we weren’t,” said Suzy, and then panic grew in her stomach. “Shit, did I make it weird? I didn’t mean to make it weird, I’m so -”

“It’s all good, Suzy,” Barry said, and he laughed. “I was acting kind of suspicious, wasn’t I?”

“Just a little bit,” said Suzy, “and I guess I was being super nosy.”

“You’re my friend,” Barry said, and he reached out, squeezing her fingers. 

She squeezed back and blushed a little, although she wasn’t sure why.

“Well, yeah, but friends don’t have to know everything.”

“Still. I’m comfortable sharing this with you.”

“Do you want me to keep it a secret?”

“For the time being,” said Barry. “If that’s okay?”

“That’s totally okay,” said Suzy. “I mean, if it helps, sometimes I use handcuffs on Arin?”

Barry snickered.

“Well,” he said, “that’s totally fair.” 

“How does it all… work? Do you, like, just go to a forum?”

“There’s this website,” said Barry. “It’s a kinky facebook. They hold get togethers.” 

“Yeah? Do you need an invite or whatever, to join it?”

Barry shook his head.

“... could I join it?”

“I mean, sure, if you wanted to,” said Barry. “I didn’t know you were… interested in that kinda thing.”

“I did just mention handcuffs,” Suzy pointed out.

“Well, yeah, okay, but, like….” Barry stared up at the ceiling, clearly trying to put some thought into words. 

“Kink, for a lot of people, like me, isn’t just, like, occasional fun stuff in the bedroom. Although that’s totally part of it. But some of it is being social and meeting people like you, and some of it is learning new stuff, and some of it is just… networking, you know?” 

“I think so,” said Suzy. 

“This was a good idea,” said Barry, and then he chuckled, “although it feels weird to be here so early in the evening.”

“Why were you getting pancakes so late, anyway?”

“It’s a good way to come down, after the intensity of a scene,” said Barry. “And you expend a lot of energy, doing kinky stuff.”

“What, even being the one getting beaten up?”

“Oh, totally.”

“... huh.”

* * * 

She finished her pancakes, she paid her bill, and she kissed him on his bearded cheek, trying not to get any stickiness on him. 

She drove home in a thoughtful mood.

* * *

“Hey baby,” said Arin, looking up from his iPad when Suzy came in.

He was stretched out on the couch, a cat in his lap, another cat on his shoulder, reading something or other. 

“How was your dinner with Barry?”

“It was good,” said Suzy, and she flopped onto the couch next to him, picking Mimi up and snuggling the cat to her chest. 

Arin kissed her temple, wrapping an arm around her. 

She put her head on his chest, listening for the beating of his heart, and she closed her eyes, as his big hand rested on her lower back.

What would it feel like to have someone flog her? She didn’t entirely understand how flogging… well, worked. She’d seen it in a few movies, but it was always with a good deal of wailing and crying and blood, and all that couldn’t be how it would work at, like, a BDSM party, right?

If nothing else, getting blood out of leather would be a pain and a half, from her experience.

And she’d just cut her hand and had it drip onto a leather skirt, let alone whatever happened when you flogged someone. 

“Hey, Arin?” 

“Mm?”

His voice rumbled through her head, almost enough to make her teeth buzz.

“Have you ever… do you know how flogging works?”

“Well,” said Arin, “as far as I know, you kinda… you’ve got the flogger, and you swing it, and then you hit the person being flogged with it. Why do you ask?”

“Would you ever be interested in that kinda thing?”

“I don’t know?” Arin shrugged, and he pulled her closer, so that his chin was on top of her head. “I don’t think I’d be comfortable doing it to someone else, at least until I… dunno, looked up a tutorial or something.” 

“They have lessons,” Suzy said absently.

“What, really? On how to flog people?”

“Yeah,” Suzy said. “So you know where kidneys and whatnot are.”

“Yeah, that’d make sense,” said Arin. “What brought all this on?”

“Oh, uh… well, you know, I ordered that new harness? They also make floggers, and I was wondering how they were used.”

Not actually a lie.

Technically. 

That company _did_ make floggers, and she was wondering how floggers were used.

So it was true.

She wasn’t entirely comfortable with stuff being “technically” true, but it wasn’t really her place, was it? 

She might have to talk to Barry about all of this, at some near date.

But right now, she was going to cuddle up to Arin, as the cats purred.

* * * 

Things were pretty chill, for the next two weeks. 

She made a joke a few times - about Barry being “whip smart”, about Barry being “a little tied up at the moment,” jokes of that caliber.

She got a lot of eye rolls for that one, 

But then he brought a bag with him, one Friday night. 

* * * 

She cornered him, when everyone else went to lunch.

“Hey Bar,” she said, trying to keep it casual.

“What’s up?” He glanced at her, and maybe he could read her expression, because… well, he looked a bit defensive.

“Nothing, really,” Suzy said. “I just, um, noticed that you’re in a particularly good mood today.”

“Well,” said Barry, and he turned his chair around, so that he was facing her full on, “I’ve got a party when I’m done, yeah.” He grinned. “I’m gonna be meeting this one rigger who’s gonna teach me how to do this one chest harness, and there’s a woman who I’ve got a scene planned with.”

“You plan scenes in advance?” 

Was that… jealousy riding up in her chest?

The hell?

It wasn’t like she was dating Barry or anything, or even friends-with-benefits with him. 

So what the hell?

“Sometimes,” said Barry. “Like… if you’re planning stuff ahead, it can make it easier for you to know what you’re bringing. Like, I knew this rigger was gonna be there, so I brought extra rope, because she likes the really elaborate ties.”

Suzy nodded.

“Makes sense.”

She blushed, glancing down at him, and then she smiled shyly.

“... would it be weird if I looked in your bag?”

“Okay, but… quickly, before anyone comes back,” said Barry, grabbing his bag and holding it out to her.

Suzy sat on the desk, and she opened the bag, cautiously. 

Was she gonna trip over a giant dildo, or something equally weird?

… but it all looked so _normal_. 

Almost boring!

There was a mesh bag full of coiled white rope, a leather flogger, a wooden spoon, and....

“Are those… banjo picks?”

“Yeah,” said Barry, and he laughed, a bit self conscious. “They make these special, like, claws, but they’re all really expensive, so my friend suggested I try doing that.”

“What do they… do?”

“Well,” said Barry, “you kinda just… use them as claws. For sensation play, shit like that.”

“What’s sensation play?” Suzy asked, and then she shoved it all in the bag and handed the bag to Barry, because the front door was opening, and she didn’t want everyone to walk in on her holding a bag full of kinky shit. 

“We can talk about it later,” said Barry.

“Talk about what?” Arin asked, and he was holding a cup.

“About the cats,” said Suzy. “Barry is thinking of getting one.”

“What, really?” Arin looked surprised. 

“Yeah,” said Barry. “Suzy was suggesting the breeder you got Mochi and Mimi from.” 

“Yeah? They were pretty good!”

Suzy went back to her desk, sitting down, leaning back in her chair, and she was… well, thinking. 

The idea of… well, flogging, of whatever sensation play was, the idea of rope….

It was giving her ideas.

Not even sexy ideas.

Just ideas.

Ideas she didn’t have the framework for. 

Hmm.

This was beginning to get to the point that she should probably talk to Arin about this, if only because of the fact that… well, they didn’t have secrets.

Arin had mentioned the fact that he had a thing for Dan, and it was only fair. 

Although… this was a bit weirder than having a crush on one of her costars.

Did she have a crush on Barry?

She tried to imagine someone else coming up to her, tying her up, hitting her, all of that… some faceless stranger, a new pair of hands that she’d never seen.

… that was unpleasant. 

Or at the very least, uncomfortable. 

She huffed out a sigh. 

This was going to be a complicated talk.

Suzy groaned, and Barry shot her a sympathetic look.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” said Suzy, and she grinned at him, nervously. “I, uh… gotta do some thinking. And possibly some talking with Arin.”

“What kinda talking?” Barry raised an eyebrow.

“About… exploring new hobbies,” said Suzy.

Barry blushed dark red. 

Suzy grinned. 

* * * 

She didn’t breach the subject until she and Arin were in bed.

It wasn’t that Suzy needed Arin’s permission to do anything, but, well… if you joined some kind of fetish social networking site, it was only polite, to… well, tell.

Maybe she’d meet someone to do kinky stuff with, even if it she wasn’t planning to fuck anyone. 

Maybe she wanted to fuck someone.

She’d had… a few ideas, over the years, but she’d never been this goddamn _curious_. 

She huffed out another sigh, and turned over. 

* * *

“Hey, Arin?”

“What’s up, sweetie?”

“Remember when we talked about… like… possibly opening our relationship?” 

“Yeah?” 

Arin went really still, and that was… kind of unsettling. He was usually so fidgety. 

“Do you… do you have someone you’re interested in?” Arin cleared his throat. 

“Not… exactly,” Suzy said, biting her lip. 

“Hmmm? How does that… work?”

“Did you know there are people who do kinky shit as, like, a hobby?” 

“... what?”

“It’s like… cat breeding, or something like that,” Suzy gabbled, aware that she sounded a bit weird. “Some people like to do kink stuff as a hobby. Like, they go to classes on how to flog or tie knots or… something.” 

“... huh,” said Arin. “So… you met someone who does that?”

“I want to try it,” said Suzy. 

“I’d be willing,” said Arin, and for a moment his face had the kind of naked terror that she’d seen a few times. 

Including when he was coming back to her, after they’d broken up. 

“I don’t… I want to meet people who are like… who are into it. Not just trying it for the sake of trying it, but actually into it.”

“But aren’t _you_ just trying it for the sake of trying it?”

“... well, yeah, but I figure it’ll give them, like, a chance. A chance to try it on someone.”

“Do you not wanna tie me up or hit me?”

“I mean, I do, with you,” said Suzy. “Sometimes. But I _really_ want to get tied up and beaten. I think.”

“And it can’t be by me?” 

“I mean… if you want to,” said Suzy.

“I’d be willing to try it for you,” said Arin, and there was… something like desperation in his voice. 

“I don’t want you to just… try,” Suzy said. “I want to do it. And I know that… I know that you have feelings, for… for Dan, you’ve got feelings, and you can totally pursue that if you want….”

“So you’re comparing my feelings for Dan, which you don’t seem to even take seriously, with your urge to get whipped and tied up?” 

This wasn’t going the way she wanted it to. 

She sat up, and she rested her elbows on her knees, trying not to glare too hard. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Suzy snapped.

“So what did you mean, exactly?” 

“I meant that yeah, we talked about an open relationship in hypotheticals a few months ago, and you shoot fucking… heart eyes at Dan whenever you guys are together, and the minute I want to go out and try something - not even fucking someone, or going to have a complicated romantic entanglement, just getting tied up or flogged, and suddenly it’s not good enough?” She was full on glaring now. “You told me you want Dan to give you a blowjob, are you saying that I can’t give you good blowjobs?” 

“That’s not what I meant,” Arin said, and now he was sitting up. 

“So you’re allowed to get all offended when I tell you that maybe I want to try something new with someone else, someone who _knows_ what they’re doing and won’t get me in the fucking kidneys -”

“What makes you think I won’t do my research? That I won’t be able to learn about this shit?”

“I don’t want you to just… study it,” said Suzy, frustrated. “I want you to want to do it with me! Or maybe there’s someone who I might like, who also likes to do it.”

“But you can’t do it with me?”

“I sure as fuck don’t want to anymore,” Suzy said, and she was… getting out of bed.

She was storming down the stairs, towards the couch, where the cats were curled up.

She slept on the couch, curled in a ball, and she cried, although she’d never admit to it. 

* * * 

When she woke up, Arin was sitting at the kitchen table, and he looked… guilty.

He was drinking tea. 

“I was a jerk,” Arin said. 

Suzy didn’t say anything, just rubbed her eyes as she sat up, Mochi climbing into her lap. 

“I’m….” Arin cleared his throat. “I don’t want… I’m afraid that if you find someone who can do all this fun stuff, I’m gonna end up, like… in this spot where you’re just… you’re not interested in me, You’re just interested in the fun weird kinky stuff. Because I’m boring. I’m not sexy. I’m just… I’m just, you know, your husband.”

“Yeah,” Suzy said. “I totally married you because you’re boring. I married you because I don’t want to spend time with you, because I’d rather go off and do fun stuff.” She shrugged. “I’m… kinda hurt you’d think that. Just because I want a new person, or a new thing to do with my life, doesn’t mean that I won’t have space for you.”

“It feels like it might,” said Arin. 

“You started Starbomb,” said Suzy. “Which makes you go on tours, which takes up your time, which leaves me by myself to twiddle my thumbs or pursue my own hobbies.”

“So you’re saying that me collaborating with a band that I was a fan of, with my friends, is the same as you getting together with a bunch of perverts to whip each other and tie each other up?”

“I dunno,” said Suzy, and her anger was rising up again. “I’m not gonna be making songs that are just lists of shitty fake Pokemon with the guy I have a crush on.”

“But… that’s different,” said Arin. “I do it for fun. With my friends.”

“Which is what I want to do,” Suzy said. “I want to make friends, and do stuff for fun.”

“I don’t _understand_ ,” Arin all but wailed. “I don’t know why you want it, and why you can’t do it with me!”

“I wanna do it with people who know what they’re doing, I want to try this new thing, I want to make new friends….” 

Arin sighed. 

“Okay,” he said, finally. “Can you… can you try it with me? Not just… like, I’m okay with you doing it with other people, if I know you’re okay with doing it with me?”

Suzy nodded. 

“But I also… I don’t want you to, like….” Arin groaned, covering his face with both hands. “I want you to be happy, right?” 

Suzy nodded.

She came to sit at the table with him, her eyes sleepy. 

He’d made her a cup of coffee, and her heart melted a little bit, because she knew how much he hated coffee - even the smell sometimes made him want to puke.

She took a drink of it. 

“I’m… I don’t want you to feel like you can’t do things that make you happy, just because it might bother me, because i know this is obviously a thing you want to do, if you’re just, like… if it’s just a thing you care about, this much, right? Because it’s obviously, like, super important to you, if you’re shouting this much.”

She made a “go on” motion.

“But… I get… I get anxious when you talk about being with other people. And… I don’t think it’s fair for you to manage my anxiety, but I don’t know how else to deal with it.”

“You could… I mean, would you want to actually pursue Dan? If there’s interest, both ways.” 

“There is,” said Arin, and he sighed, sagging into his seat. “I’ve… I’ve been… I mean, I know he likes me. We almost kissed.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“Well,” said Arin, “I was gonna, but… it was… it was complicated.” 

Suzy raised an eyebrow.

“We’re married,” said Arin, and his voice broke. “I love you, I don’t want to hurt you. I want to be with you forever, until the end of my life, and I love you so much that sometimes it scares me. If something… if something went wrong, I don’t want our relationship to be ruined over the fact that you want to be whipped and chained, or that… or that I’m a little bit in love with my best friend.” He took a deep breath. “And it’d be really hypocritical for me to ask you to stop being interested in it, I guess, when I’m asking you to be okay with me… like, being in love with someone.”

“Yeah,” said Suzy.

“So… I’m… I’m gonna talk to Dan. And you can… join your website. Maybe talk to some people who’d be interested in that. Do that kinda stuff.” He sighed. “Do you want to try it with me?” 

“I wanna see if I like it first,” said Suzy. “I want to know… I wanna see if I’m any good at it.”

“I understand,” said Arin. “Can you tell me if you meet other people?”

“Of course I will,” said Suzy. 

“And… could I maybe meet them?”

Suzy nodded.

“And… I guess I wanna know what you’re doing.’ He held up both hands nervously. “Not, like… you know, a progress report or shit like that. Just what kinda stuff you’d… be into.” He smiled, a bit crooked. “The same way I like knowing about all the other stuff you like doing. When you keep me up to date on your jewelry making and your dead things.”

“Can you keep me up to date about your stuff with Dan?” 

“Do you want, like, hot details?”

“No, uh, I’m okay without them,” Suzy said. “But… like you said. I guess knowing where you guys stand.”

“Totally doable,” he said.

She resisted the urge to make a joke to the tune of - “like Dan?”, because there is a time and a place for such things. 

She took his hand, and she squeezed it. 

“Are we okay?” She sniffled, rubbing her nose. 

“We’re okay,” he said, and he kissed her knuckles. 

* * * 

So she made the account. 

She did it the next evening, when the two of them were sitting side by side, Arin’s arm around her shoulders, and she scrolled through her pictures, trying to find one that didn’t show her face, but also showed off… something interesting about her.

It’s remarkably hard to show a sexy photo and stay anonymous, when the entirety of your arm is covered in a very recognizable tattoo.

Go figure.

She glanced over at Arin sidelong, a bit worried about whatever it was he was feeling.

He’d been pretty upset the night before, but he seemed to have calmed down, at least somewhat. 

His head was on her shoulder, and he was nuzzling into the side of her neck. 

“So what kinda thing are you, uh… hoping to get?”

“Maybe to meet some people,” said Suzy. “I don’t know. People keep talking about parties in LA, I’d be interested in checking them out sometime.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Would it be okay if I came with you sometime?”

“Yeah,” said Suzy. “As long as, um… as long as you’d be okay with me with someone else wanting to do stuff with me.”

“I’m okay with it in… theory?” Arin sighed. “I think I may need some time to get used to it.”

“Are you going to… go ahead? Maybe get a dating profile?”

Arin made a slightly insulted noise. 

“I don’t want to date just… anyone,” said Arin. “I want to date someone… specific.” 

Suzy bit back her response. 

_I don’t want to kink with anyone, I want to do stuff with someone specific._

But she couldn’t really tell anyone, without first asking Barry, and this all felt kinda… like it was all going way too quickly. 

She wasn’t going to do anything… yet, but… well… she wanted the option.

“I’m gonna… go talk to Dan in the near future,” Arin said, keeping his tone neutral. “See if he wants to go to dinner.”

“Like a date?”

“Yeah,” said Arin.

“Are you gonna _call_ it a date, or are you gonna spring it on him?” 

“I’ll call it a date,” Arin said, and they were pressed close enough together that she could feel him tense up. 

“Sorry,” said Suzy, and she leaned against him, her head on his chest. 

“It’s okay,” said Arin. “This is fucking terrifying, you know? But it’s totally worth it.”

“You think so?”

“Well,” said Arin, “we’ve got each other no matter what, right?”

“Right,” said Suzy.”

“So I guess… worst case scenario you discover that you don’t like all that weird kinky shit, or Dan doesn’t like me, and we just… figure it out.”

“Right,” said Suzy, and she sighed again. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” said Arin. “This shit is probably good for us, or something.”

Suzy snorted. 

“But you still love me?”

“Of course I still love you,” said Suzy. “If I didn’t love you, I’d kick you out of bed for farting.”

“My farting isn’t… no, I can’t even finish that sentence with a straight face,” said Arin. 

Then he paused, and he pointed to a picture. 

“You should go with that one,” said Arin.

“What?”

“That one. It’s very you.”

“It’s a picture of my feet in those weird Ouija board shoes.” 

“It’s very you,” said Arin. “Whoever sees it will know you’ve got good taste, know you’re spooky….” 

“Fair enough,” said Suzy, and she uploaded the picture. 

“And now for a username,” said Arin. “Maybe not your usual two?”

“Well, yeah,” said Suzy, and she prodded him in the side. 

“I dunno,” said Arin. “Maybe you’d like other people to know who you are.”

“Yeah, so that one creepy reddit group can keep trying to catch glimpses of my naked body on a tap?” 

“Well,” said Arin, “you never know.”

She rolled her eyes. 

“How about… Memento Mori?” 

“That’s morbid,” Suzy said, but she was grinning. 

“That’s why you like it so much,” said Arin.

“Do you want me to give you credit on my page, for you helping me find it?”

“... what, tell everyone that you have a husband, when you’re looking for other people?”

“Well, of course I’d tell them that I’d have a husband,” Suzy said, slightly offended. “I wouldn’t want to do anything with someone who didn’t know, since you’re such a big part of my life!” 

“... I hadn’t thought of it like that,” Arin admitted. “... actually, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.”

He covered his face with both hands, and he groaned. 

“I feel fucking stupid,” said Arin, and then he started laughing, so hard that she had to put her laptop down to laugh with him, and just hold on to him, as they just clung to each other and laughed, as hard as they could, so hard that he was possibly about to piss himself. 

She kissed him, tasting the laughter on his lips, and she let him pull her closer, his hands on her hips, then pulling her into his lap.

She pressed her forehead against him, still giggling, and he slid his hands under her shirt, his big, blunt fingers chilly against the warmth of her skin. 

“I’m a fucking dumbass,” Arin said, and he sounded more relieved than he had in a few days. “Oh my god, I feel so much better.”

“Seriously?” Suzy was still chuckling. “You didn’t think that I’d be able to keep you as a priority?” 

“I got scared,” Arin said, and his hands moved forward, against her belly. “Can I make it up to you, babe?”

“How were you thinking?” 

“Well,” said Arin, “I was thinking you could sit on my face.” 

“How altruistic of you,” said Suzy, and she was still giggling. 

“I could throw in a foot rub, if that would sweeten the pot,” said Arin, and he was rolling his hips. 

He had an erection, in his soft, fluffy pajama pants, and the head was wet, enough to seep into the fabric. 

“I dunno,” said Suzy, and she giggled, kissing him gently, her tongue sliding into his mouth, then pulling back. ”Would you be so willing to lick it if the pot wasn’t so sweet?”

Arin laughed, and he kissed along her neck, loud, smacking, ticklish kisses, his hands going up under her shirt, then squeezing her breasts. 

She wasn’t wearing a bra - she’d taken it off when she got home, and now everything was hanging out. 

As it were.

Then actually, because he was shoving her shirt upright, and he was kissing along her breasts, taking one nipple into his mouth, and he sucked on it, swirling his tongue along the tip as it got hard, then pulling off with a pop to go for the other one.

Suzy was whining and whimpering, her hips rolling against his, his erection was so hard, so hot, right through their thin pajama pants. 

“You’re so beautiful,” said Arin, when he pulled back, kissing along her belly. 

There was some wrangling - he ended up full on lifting her up, then laying her flat on her back, one leg over the back of the couch, the other one flat on the floor. 

She closed her legs, to help him pull her pajama pants down and her panties, then grabbing the insides of her thighs and physically _pulling her_ closer, so that he could kiss along her thighs, then lower, his breath tickling along her pussy.

There was a rush of cool air as he spread the lips of her pussy with two fingers, and then he kissed her clit, a goofy, smacking kiss.

Suzy snickered, and her snicker turned into a moan, as he pushed his whole face into her pussy, his tongue sliding into her, then it was out, to lap at her clit again.

His lips wrapped around it, and he sucked on it, her leg coming down to rest on his back, her heel digging into his shoulder blade.

He sucked on her labia, and then he was licking her clit again, pushing his whole face into her pussy - he was going to have to really scrub his beard, so it wouldn’t smell too musky.

The idea of Dan kissing her husband, smelling her own arousal on his beard, slid into her head like a thief in the night, and she wasn’t sure how felt about it. 

But then he was slipping his ring finger inside of her, then his middle finger, curling them carefully.

He found her g-spot.

He always found her g-spot. 

He was licking her, so good, she was shaking, her toes were curling against his shoulder, and then he was renewing his assault on her clit, licking it in that rapid fire way that always made her eyes roll back into her head. 

She squeezed his fingers as she got closer and closer to orgasm, covering her face with both hands, pressing down on her lips, on her eyes, tangling her fingers in her own hair, pulling on it, humping into his face as she ground her hips forward, his nose pressed against her clit, until she was cumming, so hard that she couldn’t think, ejaculate dripping down his face, and she shook harder, squirt puddling down around her ass. 

She sobbed, going limp, and she was still shaking inside when he climbed up on top of her, kissing her, his cock pressing insistently against her thigh. 

“Can I fuck you, baby? Please? I want to be in you so badly, _please_!”

She sat up awkwardly, grabbing at the waist of his pajama pants and shoving them down.

His cock sprang out, and she wrapped her hand around it, squeezing it, the hot wetness of it sticky against her palm. 

“You want it so badly,” said Suzy, and she began to jerk him off clumsily. 

“Let me put it in, please, baby,” Arin moaned, and he was humping her fist, as she squeezed him, changing the pressure of each finger. 

And then she was shifting herself around, spreading her legs wider, then guiding him into her, until he could shove his dick into her, and he was filling her, thick and heavy, hot and throbbing inside of her. 

“Oh… fuck,” Suzy gasped. 

The heat of him always shocked her - he was so thick, so hot, so… alive, and it was amazing, it was primal, it was some kind of old thing, and they’d done it enough times, but it was still a sweet surprise every time.

He moved, so that he was holding her ankles, and he was folding her in half now, squeezing her ankles, as her toes curled in his long hair, soft and silky against her soles. 

“I’m… oh god, fuck, Suzy, you’re so good, you’re so _tight_ , how can you be so… oh… fuck, oh fuck, Suzy, I love you, Suze, please, I’m so close, I’m gonna… you’re so… oh my fuck, please baby!”

He was grinding against her clit with his pubic bone, and she was still sensitive from her orgasm, and she was already beginning to climb to the top, teetering over the edge….

And then his cock was swelling inside of her, and she watched his face as his mouth opened wider, his eyes squeezing shut, his hips wriggling. He came inside of her, as deep as he could, and he pressed his forehead against hers, panting heavily, rubbing his nose against hers, then kissing her wetly, his mustache ticklish against her lip.

“We shouldn’t have done this on the couch,” Suzy mumbled, as Arin collapsed on top of her, his sweat making his hair stick to his face, his breath hot and wet against her neck. 

“Spur of the moment,” Arin said, and he nuzzled into her. “You smell so good, baby.”

Suzy snorted.

“I smell gross and sweaty.”

“You’re not that gross and sweaty,” said Arin.

He was still seated inside of her, and she squeezed him, which made him make a surprised noise.

“Remember when you used to be able to get hard while still in me?”

Suzy giggled. 

“Yeah, but I also came if you looked at me sideways,” said Arin, “and I look stupid without a beard.”

“I dunno. I think you were kinda cute.”

She kissed his chin, and he tasted of the sour-salt tang of her own pussy. 

“Am I still cute?”

“Totally.”

“That’s all that matters, then.”

He slid out, and cum gooshed out of her, like some kind of disgusting fountain. 

“Urgh,” groaned Suzy, and she giggled. “How is sex so awesome, but also so gross?”

“If it wasn’t kinda gross, we’d never get anything done,” said Arin, and he smirked. “If sex was like… easier, I bet we’d still be living in caves, just endlessly fucking and popping out mini people.”

“When you say it like that, it sounds like we… bud, or something.”

“... bud?” 

“Like sponges.”

“Sponges? How do you know about sponges?”

“I can know things,” Suzy said.

“You’re very knowledgable,” said Arin, and he ruffled her hair. 

“And you know it!”

“Do you, uh, want me to make you cum?” Arin indicated between her legs.

She paused, assessing. 

She was still… kind of horny, but Arin looked sleepy, and she didn’t feel like rubbing one out herself. 

Besides, cuddles seemed more appealing right now.

“Can I get an IOU?”

“Always.”

* * * 

They showered together, him washing her hair, her washing his chest. 

He held her, the water drumming down on their heads, and then they cuddled together on the bed, her head on his chest, his fingers stroking down her back, passing over each of the knobs of her spine. 

“Are you gonna meet anyone?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like… are you going to meet anyone? Or go to look for anyone? Or are you just gonna try to look for experiences?”

How to word this in the right way?

“I’ve… kinda been talking to someone,” said Suzy, carefully.

Her head was on his chest, and she could hear his heart beating a little faster.

“What… what are they like?”

“They’re nice,” said Suzy.

She was going to have to talk about this. 

She was going to have to talk to Barry about all of this, at some point, because… well… if Arin was going to pursue his whatever it was with Dan, she could pursue Barry.

Because the only person she really wanted to do this stuff with, at least right now, was Barry.

What if he didn’t want to do it with her? 

What if he thought it would be too weird?

What if she ended up not having anyone to do fun stuff with, and Arin was running around out with Dan?

“What’s up, babe?” Arin squeezed her shoulder.

“Hmm?”

“You just sighed really balefully,” said Arin.

“I’m just kinda… thinking about stuff,” said Suzy. “Stuff might be a little… simpler, if we just stuck to being monogamous.” 

“Do you wanna stay monogamous?”

“No,” said Suzy. “Easier doesn’t mean it’s better.”

“Very true.”

He rubbed her back, gave her shoulder blade a squeeze.

She evened her breath out, until she had calmed down enough to close her eyes, and possibly drift off.

* * * 

She woke up to twenty new messages on her new profile.

And most of them were about her feet.

“Arin,” Suzy said, and there was a bit of whine in her voice. “Arin, all of these guys are talking about my feet.”

“They’re very nice feet,” said Arin, as he chewed on his cereal.

“Well, yeah,” said Suzy, “but I filled my profile up with stuff! Nobody is asking me about the stuff I wrote about, or even about the kink stuff that I mentioned….”

“That is weird,” said Arin. “I didn’t realize there were that many foot fetishists just kinda… floating around.”

“Evidently there are,” Suzy said, and she closed her laptop with a sigh. “I thought they all stayed on the foot wiki.”

Time to get ready for the day.

* * * 

The office was pretty empty, once Dan and Arin had secluded themselves into the Grump room.

Matt and Ryan were both editing with headphones on, and Barry was editing his own video. Ross and Brian were in a different recording room, doing their own episode of something or other.

Barry paused by Suzy’s desk, and he looked a bit shy, but he was smiling at her in a way that she read as approachable.

“Would you wanna get dinner tonight?”

“Sure,” said Suzy. “Any place in particular?”

“I’m in the mood for pancakes,” said Barry. “Sound good?”

“I am _always_ down for pancakes,” Suzy said.

“So around seven?” 

“Sounds good!”

* * * 

It was the same diner.

There was a plate of blueberry pancakes in front of her. 

Suzy stared down at them, and she remembered Dan’s story, about his father always bought him pancakes as an apology. 

Did that mean that she was going to start associating kinky talk with pancakes?

She burst out laughing, inhaling the sweet steam, and Barry looked at her sidelong, slightly confused. 

“What’s up?”

“Am I gonna end up with a kinky association with pancakes?” 

“I mean… I already kinda have one,” Barry admitted.

“What, really?”

“Well, not pancakes in general,” said Barry. “Pancakes at this place in particular always make me think of kink stuff.”

“Any reason why?”

“The munch is usually held here,” said Barry, “and then folks come here afterwards.”

“What’s a munch?”

“A meet up. Sometimes they’re before parties, and you meet a bunch of people, plan out scenes.”

“... huh,” said Suzy.

“The party I go to usually has a munch here,” said Barry. 

“What party is that?”

He rattled a name off.

“Huh.”

He smiled at her, still shy. 

“I, uh… I don’t mean to sound creepy,” he said, and now he looked a bit nervous, “but, um… I found your profile. I liked the username.”

“Which profile?”

“On the site I told you about. The kinky social networking one. If you’ve got yourself listed as interested in certain things or types of people, you get a little ping every time someone who shares a certain number joins up.”

 

“Oh! Right!”

“I liked your picture,” said Barry. “Although I bet you got a bunch of foot guys talking to you, huh?”

“How’d you guess?” Suzy was genuinely impressed.

“They have a bit of a reputation for being… pushy,” said Barry. “And, uh, not to sound too creepy, but… you do have very nice feet.”

“Do I?” She smiled at him, coy. 

“You’ve got very nice everything,” said Barry, “down to your elbows.”

“I have sexy elbows?”

“Everything is everything,” Barry said. 

Suzy laughed, threw her head back and actually laughed, hard enough that she snorted out of her nose.

“Wow,” she said, and had to resist the urge to kiss him over the table. “This is, uh, the first time that I’ve ever had someone compliment my elbows.”

“They are excellent elbows,” said Barry. 

“Would I… I mean… could I ever come to a party with you?” She licked her lips. 

Why was this so damn nerve wracking? It wasn’t like she was asking him on a date or something like that. 

Except it kind of… was.

“I….” Barry looked down. “I’d want to talk to Arin first. Not because he’s got, like, ownership of you or anything like that,” he added quickly. “Just because I want to make sure that everyone is on the same page.”

“It would mean outing yourself,” said Suzy, concern creeping into her tone. “I know that you didn’t want to be out to just anyone.”

“Arin isn’t just anyone,” Barry said dismissively. “And… we could figure out what we were all good with.” 

“Right,” said Suzy, although she wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “Do you, um… do you want to come over on Friday?”

“That sounds good,” said Barry.

It was Monday. 

“Would it be alright if I, like… told Arin that you were the one I was talking to about kink stuff?”

“Did you tell him you were interested in the kinky stuff?” Barry was avoiding eye contact, which was kind of weird. 

“Yeah,” said Suzy, “but I didn’t mention it was because of you. I just said that, you know, I was interested in it, and I wanted to try it.”

“Not with him?”

“Well, I wanna do it with him. But not… like, not just him.” She shrugged, staring into her pancakes, as if they could answer all of her questions. 

They remained mute, because they were pancakes.

“Any reason why?”

“Well,” said Suzy. “He doesn’t know how to do a lot of these things. And like….” She huffed out a breath, trying to get her thoughts in order. “I want someone who _wants_ to do this stuff. Not just to me, not just because I want it, but because they like it. Like, would you tie me if I asked you to?”

“I mean, uh….” Barry looked like a deer in the headlights. “I’d probably first, um, first… check that you were in the kind of marriage where that was a thing that could happen, since some people would see that as cheating and that is _not_ a thing I am ever going to be a part of, but - “

“Assuming I was just some chick you met on a message board, would you want to tie me, or flog me, or whatever?”

“Well, yeah,” said Barry. “But I’d wanna talk to you a little bit first, get to know you, not just like… okay, here’s your name, here’s your limits, now get into my rope.” He shrugged. “I wouldn’t wanna play with, like, a Trump voter, or something like that.”

“You’d let that keep you from tying someone?”

From all the stuff she’d read on that one website, it had seemed liked kinksters… well, liked to kink, regardless of who they were kinking with. 

“Oh yeah, totally,” said Barry. 

HIs face turned thoughtful.

“Rope is… rope is complex. It’s an intense connection. It’s me, doing things to someone that makes them feel something. The same goes with impact play, or… well, any other kink thing. People pursue kink things because they want to feel something, whether through doing something to someone else, or from having someone else do things to them, it’s still just… like, feeling stuff.”

Barry paused, and then he snickered.

“I’m sorry,” he told Suzy. “I must sound _so_ full of it.”

“No,” Suzy said, and she laughed, suddenly shy. 

That was… intense. That outpouring of emotion, that sincerity… it was awkward.

But fuck it. 

She was pretty sure at this point that she wanted… well, stuff from him. 

But did he want stuff from her?

“So are you one of those people?”

“Hm?”

“One of those people who want to feel things via kink.”

“Oh yeah” said Barry. “It’s why I do it.”

“And I guess you wanna do it because you wanna do it?”

“Yeah,” said Barry.

“That’s what I’m looking for,” said Suzy. 

And then she realized the implications of what she had just said.

… crap.

“So,” Suzy said, “what are these parties like?”

“It’s a mixed bag,” said Barry.

He must have missed her possible sorta-kinda confession.

Or maybe he was ignoring it.

Either way - thank god.

“What do you mean by mixed bag?”

“Well,” said Barry, “I’d never go to a party by yourself if you can help it. You end up meeting a bunch of creepy people that way. Especially as, um….” He cleared his throat. “Especially as a… you know, attractive woman.”

“Do you think I’m attractive, Barry?” Suzy fluttered her eyelashes at him. 

“I’m not blind,” Barry said, and he took a bite of his pancakes, possibly out of self defense. 

Suzy grinned. 

“But usually… honestly? It kinda reminds me of a room party at a con.”

“... what, really?” 

“Well, yeah,” said Barry. “Like, okay, so there’s a lot more space. But there’s food, usually, and there’s some people who are playing, and then a bunch of people standing around talking about Doctor Who and Star Vs. The Forces of Evil and whatever new games are coming out on the switch, and usually people are glad to see their friends.”

“But, like, there’s a difference between a game of smash versus a game of, like... I don’t know, what kind of games do you play in a kinky party?”

“You’re generally not playing a game, per se,” said Barry. “We call it playing, ‘cause, like… it is kinda silly, you know? Playing or sceneing.”

Suzy had been to her fair share of room parties at conventions.

That did sound about right. 

“So… if I went… would we be sceneing?” 

“I don’t… I don’t want to plan stuff, until I know what direction we’re going,” Barry said. “I’ve… I started to plan something with someone once, and it ended up being kind of… we didn’t work out.”

He sighed, but then he shrugged. 

“It’ll work out, one way or another.” He squeezed her fingers. “And you’re my friend no matter what, okay?”

“Okay,” said Suzy, and her heart beat a little faster.

* * * 

She told Arin about it on Wednesday. 

Well, more specifically, she told him why she’d invited Barry over to dinner on Friday.

“Wait, _Barry_?!” 

“... yeah.”

Arin sat back, looking genuinely shocked.

“Barry who works at our office, wears all the flannel?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s into this weird kinky shit?”

“... yeah.”

“It’s always the quiet ones!” Arin grinned, and the relief radiating off of him was almost palpable. “Okay. I feel _so_ much better, holy shit.”

“What, really?” Suzy put down her fork, eyeing him. “I would’ve thought it would make things… you know, weird, since he’s your friend and whatnot.”

“Well, yeah, he’s my friend, but it’s not, like… some creepy dude on the internet with a screen name like “toesucker69” who has a greasy mustache and a bad ponytail.” 

“So it’s not weird that it’s Barry?”

“Nah,” said Arin. “Well, okay, no,” he added. “It’s weird to think of Barry as, like, someone who wants to tie someone up or shit like that, but it’s not weird that you guys would wanna get together to do that.” He paused. “I’m a little hurt that you didn’t tell me, honestly, but… I think I can get over it.”

“I didn’t want to tell you without his permission,” Suzy said. 

“And you got it?”

“Well, yeah,” said Suzy, “since I’m telling you.”

“So we’re good?”

“I dunno, are we?”

“I think we are.”

 

* * * 

Barry arrived at the door wearing a nicer flannel than usual, and carrying a bottle of fancy, rose flavored lemonade.

“I know you guys don’t drink, but I wanted to, you know, bring something nice,” he told Suzy and Arin, as he took his shoes off.

The cats circled him, meowing, and he leaned down, giving each of them a nice scratch on the head. 

“Thank you,” said Suzy, and she smiled a him - no, she _beamed_ at him, and she knew that she was doing it even as she was doing it, and she didn’t know how to stop.

She glanced over at Arin, and he didn’t seem to be bothered, which was good. 

She didn’t want to screw this up.

Whatever this strange new… thing was, she wanted it to work out.

* * * 

“So Suzy says you’re into the weird kinky shit,” said Arin, after they’d all sat down and talked about this and that.

“I’m in the kink community, yeah,” said Barry. “I think that everyone is a little bit into the weird kinky shit.”

“You think?”

“Like… what even counts as weird kinky shit?” Barry leaned back in his chair, a glass of water in front of him.

The meatloaf that Suzy had made was still cooking away in the oven. 

“I guess… whips and chains,” said Arin. 

“I dunno,” said Suzy. “I’ve been, um… I’ve been researching stuff. You know, since… I wanna know what I’m getting into.”

“Are you sure you haven’t just been watching porn?” Arin teased.

Suzy rolled her eyes, but she was grinning a bit in spite of herself.

“So anyway, I’ve been, like, doing research, and I’ve seen weird kinky shit without any whips and chains or leather or any of that. Like, did you know there are people who just have, like, a fetish for feet, or for diapers, or stockings?”

“... diapers?”

“Yeah, there’s a bunch of those folks at the local dungeon,” said Barry. 

The local dungeon.

The local grocery store. The local bakery. The local dungeon.

The way he said it was so… casual.

“Isn’t that unsanitary as hell?” Arin looked something between fascinated and disgusted.

“I’m not part of the group,” said Barry, a bit defensively. “I just know that the head of that munch is a nice person.”

“Anyway,” said Suzy, before the discussion devolved, “there’s plenty of stuff that like… doesn't seem super kinky? Like, when does spanking go from just a cute bedroom thing to something that’s actually kinky? What about bondage? Because I’ve tied people up with, like, scarves, but that doesn’t get treated as super kinky.”

“... I never thought of that,” said Barry, and he looked thoughtful. 

“It’s your hobby,” Arin said.

“I dunno, have you thought of some of the weird implications of your hobbies?”

 

“My hobbies are perfectly normal, thank you very much,” said Arin. 

“You literally make money with fart jokes,” said Barry.

“So do you,” said Suzy.

“Well, yeah,” said Barry. “I didn’t deny it was weird.” 

He laughed. 

“But yeah,” said Suzy. “As far as I can tell, it counts as, like, officially kinky when you leave actual marks, and when you spend money on it.”

“Huh,” said Barry. “Yeah, that’s a good way of putting it.”

“So I’m about to make this conversation kind of awkward,” said Arin. 

“How awkward are we talking?” 

“Are you guys planning on having sex?” 

Arin’s tone was so… neutral, so calm, and if it wasn’t for how white his knuckles were holding his glass, Suzy might have thought that everything was okay.

“Um,” said Barry, and he cleared his throat. “Well, uh, I wasn’t really planning… I mean, uh, I like the idea of playing with Suzy, in a kink context, maybe, but kink stuff doesn’t necessarily have to have sex in it.”

“So you’re not planning to have sex?”

“I dunno,” said Suzy, a little more sharply than she intended to. “Are you planning on having sex with Dan?”

Arin shot her a Look.

She glanced at Barry, and he didn’t look even a bit surprised.

“If you’d be more comfortable with us not having sex, I’d… be okay with that,” said Barry.

Suzy wasn’t entirely sure _she_ was okay with that, but… well, if Barry didn’t want to have sex without permission from Arin, she couldn’t exactly force him to, or lie to him. 

She didn’t like the idea of having to ask for anything like that in general - it was all kind of uncomfortable, like Barry was asking permission of her… owner, for lack of a better way of putting it. 

She sighed - she’d have a talk with Arin about this, at some later point.

Arin relaxed into his chair. 

“Sounds like a good plan,” he told Barry, and he smiled at Suzy.

“For now,” Suzy said. 

“Yeah,” said Arin. “For now.”

Barry looked… well, truth be told, he looked kind of uncomfortable. 

“So, uh… would you wanna come to a party, Arin?”

“I don’t think that’d be my thing,” Arin said. “I don’t want random people seeing my dick.”

“They wouldn’t be seeing your dick, probably,” said Barry. “The club I go to doesn’t allow sex, or nudity if your genitals are flapping in the breeze. As it were.”

“What, really? Why?”

“Clean up,” said Barry. “You can have, like, a vibrator against someone’s clothed body, but you can’t penetrate, you can’t give hand jobs or oral sex, nothing that would be… messy.” 

“Huh,” said Suzy. “I’ve gotta admit, I never thought of the logistics of the hygiene of a dungeon type place. I always thought they kinda just… kept them.”

“People tend to avoid places that are gross,” said Barry. “Putting your elbow in a puddle of jizz kinda takes the fun out of an evening.”

“Ew!” 

“I know, right?” Barry wrinkled his nose, and then he was chuckling. 

“So when is the next party?” Suzy tried not to sound too eager.

“Next Saturday,” said Barry. “Week from tomorrow.” 

“Are you going?”

“I was planning on it, yeah,” said Barry. And then he cleared his throat, blushing. “Would you, um, would you want to go with me?”

“Yeah,” said Suzy. “Yeah, I’d really like that. If that’d be alright with Arin?”

She glanced at Arin. 

“You don’t have to ask me for permission,” said Arin. “If you want to do a thing, you can do a thing.”

“I wasn’t trying to ask permission,” Suzy said. “More making sure we don’t have anything planned.”

“You’d know better if we had anything planned,” Arin said. “You’re better at keeping track of that shit than I am.”

“I dunno,” Suzy said. “Maybe you’re planning some big surprise romantic thing that I don’t know about, because it’s a surprise.”

“Well, it’d ruin the surprise if I told you right now,” Arin pointed out.

“Yeah, but I’d hate to get all dolled up to go to a BDSM party, only to find out that we’re actually going on a surprise romantic getaway,” said Suzy. 

“What, you’d have to change clothes or something?”

“Well, duh,” said Suzy.

“What, really?” Arin looked puzzled.

“I’m not gonna wear what I’d wear to a BDSM club to a romantic dinner,” said Suzy. 

“Why not?”

“It’d be… _weird_ ,” said Suzy. 

“If you say so,” said Arin. 

The oven timer dinged. 

* * * 

Suzy hugged Barry extra tight as he made his way to the door. 

“Thank you,” she said in his ear, quietly. 

“For what?” He looked at her, genuinely puzzled.

Arin was washing dishes in the kitchen.

“For being willing to put up with all of this.”

“I’m not putting up with anything,” Barry said. “You guys are my friends. I mean it.”

He smiled at Arin, as Arin came in, and he opened his arms up and hugged him too.

“So I’ll see you at work?”

“Yeah,” said Suzy.

“Oh!” Barry paused, and then he blushed. “You should, uh, you should probably friend me on the forum, so you know which party to RSVP to.”

“I need to RSVP?” 

“Yeah,” said Barry. “They like to make sure the person that’s coming is someone they can trust, not some reporter or whatever.”

“What, there are reporters?”

“Sometimes.” 

“... huh.” 

She pondered that, after kissing Barry on the cheek, closing and locking the door.

* * * 

“Are you ever gonna be comfortable with me having sex with Barry?” 

Arin was brushing his teeth, and he turned around to stare at her, foam dripping down his chin. 

“What?”

“You said you’d be okay with me and Barry being sexual “eventually,”” said Suzy.

“Yeah,” said Arin, and he spat. “I will be. Eventually.”

“What does eventually mean?”

“It means… well, eventually,” said Arin.

“How are you and Dan doing?”

Arin turned pink in the mirror.

“He’s doing fine,” Arin said. “And I’m not trying to, like… keep you from having fun. Just… let me get used to the idea of you being sexual with someone else.”

“Okay,” said Suzy. “Are you gonna let me get used to you being intimate with Dan?”

“Well… that’s….” Arin sighed. “I can’t really say that’s different, can I?”

“Not really,” said Suzy.

“Okay,” said Arin. He opened his arms up for her, and she went into them, cuddling up to him, her head on his shoulder. 

“I’m scared,” he said into her hair.

“I am too,” said Suzy. 

“But we can do this.”

“We can totally do this.”

* * * 

It was Wednesday.

Arin and Dan were out doing… something.

Well, no, they were getting dinner, then maybe they would go hang out at Dan’s house.

Suzy was trying to think about whatever it was that they might be doing, but it was… well, it was a bit weird, to think of her husband with someone else.

But if he was going to try to get comfortable with the idea of her being with Barry, she had to get comfortable with the idea of Arin being with Dan. 

In a fit of boredom, she texted Barry.

_Up to anything adventurous and kinky?_

He sent her back a picture of his feet, propped up on his coffee table. 

_I thought kinksters lived lives of never ending orgies and stuff like that_

_Well, I’m not cool enough to get invited to any of them_

_I think you’re cool_

_Why thank you_

_What do I wear on Saturday?_

_Uh… clothes?_

Suzy sent him a selfie of her annoyed expression. 

He sent her one back, one eyebrow up.

_What do people usually wear to these things?_

_Black. I think the whole… spooky corset look would go over well, if that helps?_

_It does, thanks_

_The munch is at the diner, at six_

_What, the same diner?_

_Yeah. There’s a reason I keep going there_

_I’m gonna get fat from all those pancakes_

_You don’t have to eat pancakes every time, you know_

_Well, yeah, but they’re so good!_

_You’d look cute with a little bit of chub, so I wouldn’t worry_

Suzy blushed, all the way to her hairline. 

Another text came a few seconds later.

_I just realized how creepy that sounded, I am so sorry_

_It’s okay. Thanks for the compliment!_

She put her phone down, and she grabbed her laptop. 

Now to figure out what to wear….

* * * 

Arin came back from his dinner with Dan looking thoughtful, and a bit flustered. 

“So how’d it go?” Suzy was sprawled out on the couch with a cat on her stomach, two thirds asleep. 

“It went well,” said Arin. “We’re, uh… we’re gonna talk about some stuff. Figure it out.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He isn’t sure if he’d be comfortable with, like, doing stuff with me physically. At least… not yet.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, he’s… kinda new to the whole being with a dude thing.” Arin blushed. “He did hug me, and tell me that he’d think about it.”

“That’s… that’s nice,” said Suzy, and she smiled. “I’m happy for you.”

And she was, for the most part.

There was a little bloom of jealousy, but she would be able to live with it.

“Hey, Arin?” 

“Hm?”

“What do I wear to my party on Saturday?”

“Well….”

* * * 

And then, just like that, it was Saturday.

Suzy stared at herself in the mirror, and she licked her lips.

She was wearing a fishnet shirt, and she was wearing a corset over it, to go with a short skirt.

At least it wasn't a _very_ short skirt - it was about mid-thigh, and it covered her butt.

... barely, admittedly, but there was some coverage.

And of course, she had her Ouija board shoes, in case someone recognized her by her profile picture.

She did her makeup three times, before finally settling on a look that actually suited her. 

And then the doorbell rang. 

* * *

"... wow," said Barry, when Suzy answered the door. He smiled at her, but he looked... uneasy.

"Am I not dressed right?" Anxiety shot through Suzy. 

Shit. 

Was she doing it wrong?

"You're dressed great... for the event," said Barry. "But people tend to, uh... tone it down a bit, for the munch."

"I thought the munch was part of the event?"

"Oh, no," said Barry. "I mean, uh, it is, but it's in a vanilla setting."

He stepped in, and Suzy closed the door.

"So you're saying I should... tone it down?"

"Maybe put on some jeans, and bring your skirt and your heels with you? You can cover the the other shirt with a t-shirt, and when we get to the club you can change."

"I didn't realize the munch had a dress code," said Suzy, blushing.

"It's okay," said Barry. "We just don't wanna... draw attention to ourselves, you know?"

"Yeah, I understand," said Suzy, although she didn't, entirely. 

"I'll, uh... wait here, while you get changed," said Barry. "You can put your nicer clothes in my bag," he added, as an afterthought, "if you don't want to bring a bag, I mean."

"Oh," said Suzy, and she blushed. "Thank you!"

He smiled at her, and she smiled back at him. 

* * * 

She ended up keeping the corset on, because putting a corset on is a pain in the neck. 

She did throw a sweater on, though, and a pair of jeans.

... was she wearing the right kind of underwear?

Shit, she hadn't even considered that. 

She groaned, gently bonking her head against the mirror.

"I'm bad at this," she mumbled.

"Bad at what?" Arin came out of the shower, rubbing the water out of his hair. 

"The whole... being kinky thing," said Suzy. 

"You seem to be doing okay," said Arin. "It's not like you killed anyone or anything, right?"

"Well, no," said Suzy. 

"So what are you so worried about?"

"Making a good impression, I guess," said Suzy. 

"Suze," said Arin, like he was talking to someone dim."You are _very_ beautiful, and you are very smart, and you are a lot of fun to be around. Of course you're gonna be fun to be around."

"But what if I do something... wrong?"

"Then you'll do something wrong." Arin kissed her forehead. "If they're people worth being around, they'll forgive you a mistake."

She sighed, and then she nodded. 

"Okay."

"Now go out and have fun." 

She kissed him, leaving a lipstick mark on his cheek, and then she went downstairs.

* * *

The munch was... alarmingly normal.

They were at the same table, sitting at a long table, surrounded by other people, and they were eating diner food.

Everyone looked... well, if not normal, then at least normal for LA. 

There was a person with a lot of tattoos and a lip ring, trying to eat a chilli mushroom burger the size of their head.

There was a bald guy, eating a sandwich. 

The person who was in charge of the whole affair was an older woman.

And Suzy had her pancakes. 

It was weird to eat pancakes in a corset - even weirder to be surrounded by so many... nerds.

Barry was discussing something about Mario with the bald guy, and the woman across from her was very excited about some new television show or another.

Suzy didn't say much - made polite conversation.

Until she dropped her napkin.

Which presented itself as a problem, because... well....

Not to put too fine a point on it, she couldn't bend down.

"Bar?"

"What's up, Mori?" 

He was going to call her by her handle, because that just made life a little bit easier. 

Didn't get people shouting 'Oh, it's _you_ ', or something like that.

"I dropped my napkin."

"Can you get it?"

She knocked her knuckles against her belly. 

They made a hollow sound.

"... right," said Barry, and he laughed, leaning down to pick up her napkin. 

"You've trained your sub well," said the guy sitting across from Barry. He was wearing a very loud suit. 

"Oh, he's not my... sub," said Suzy, and she blushed. "I'm, uh... I'm not into Topping. Domming. Whatever."

"It's her first event," said Barry, and he put a hand on her hand in a rather proprietary way.

She wasn't sure how she felt about that.

"Oh," said the guy, and he smiled at her, his eyes flicking over to Barry. 

She ate her pancakes, the little shreds of coconut getting caught in her teeth. 

* * * 

"Sorry for being all... grabby," said Barry, when they were in the car together, heading towards wherever that venue was. 

"It's okay," said Suzy. "Thank you for apologizing."

"There's a lot of, uh... how to put this delicately...." Barry stared at the ceiling with a thoughtful expression. 

"Don't put it delicately, just put it in?"

She snickered at her own dirty joke. 

He laughed, a bark of laughter, and she smiled at him, something bright and sweet opening up in her chest like a flower. 

... oh no. 

She didn't need to be falling in love. Or getting a crush. Or whatever the fuck it was. 

"That guy is kinda... he likes to snap up new subs, and he's pretty charming - I've seen him do it. But he tends to drop people when they're not new and shiny anymore, and it can fuck someone up."

"So now he thinks what, that you're my boyfriend?"

"Or your Dom. Or your Top, or your Daddy -"

"Daddy is, like, a title?"

"Yeah," said Barry.

"... huh." 

Barry shrugged. 

"I've seen people use weirder titles," he said. 

"Yeah?"

"Although there's always the whole Your Kink Is Not My Kink," said Barry, and she could hear the capital letters.

She could also see him rolling his eyes. 

"But yeah," said Barry. "There are dudes who like newbies, especially newbies who are beautiful women, and they'll snap them up and tell them that the only real way to do kink is this way, or that way, or whatever."

"That sounds kinda skeezy," Suzy said. 

"It's really skeezy," said Barry.

"Well, I'm glad to be, like, under your protection."

Barry snorted.

"You gonna put that on your profile?"

"I dunno, is that an option?" 

"Yeah," said Barry. "Although, like... I don't want you to feel like you _have_ to do anything with me, just because I'm the one who you met doing this kinda thing, or anything like that."

"I think I get you," said Suzy. 

_You're the only one I'm interested in doing this with_ , Suzy thought, but didn't say.

That wasn't... necessarily true.

But none of those people in the diner had sparked her interest, the way that Barry had. 

Did that mean that she was in love with him, or just some chemistry?

Hell, was this just that stupid crush?

She resisted the urge to groan, and just leaned back in her seat, watching the scenery go by.

* * * 

They had to go down stairs to get into the club - it was right next to a veterinarian's office, and there were a bunch of folks milling around outside, wearing black.

Barry was wearing a nice red button down, and a pair of jeans that looked like they'd been pressed.

"So you're not one for all the leather?"

"I'm too hairy for leather to look good on me," said Barry.

"I don't think so," said Suzy. "I think it'd look great on you!"

There was a moment of silence, as the two of them absorbed that she had said that. 

"Thanks," said Barry, and now he was blushing.

They were walking down the steps, towards the door.

It was almost like an old speakeasy - there was a woman sitting by the door, with an unimpressed expression.

"What's the password?" 

"... uh." 

Suzy licked her lips. 

"Over the knee," said Barry, over her shoulder. 

He smiled at the woman, who still looked unimpressed. 

"It'll be twenty for you, and five for her."

"Why the discrepancy?" 

Suzy dug the money out of her wallet, and handed the woman at the door the cash. 

"The logic goes that if it's cheaper, more women will show up, so more men will show up, so that they'll make more money."

"... oh," said Suzy.

"It's gross," said Barry. "It kinda turns women into... things, but...." He shrugged. "I like this party. I like the people in it, for the most part." 

There was a coat check to their right.

It was very dim, and very loud.

There was, quite possibly, the ugliest mural on the wall that Suzy had ever seen. 

"The lady's room is that way," said Barry, indicating a long corridor. "If you wanna change."

"Thanks, Bar," said Suzy. "I must seem pretty clueless."

Barry shrugged. 

"We're all new at some point," he pointed out. "My first time here, I walked too close to someone's scene and got hit in the face with someone's flogger."

"What, really? What happened?"

"I was walking behind someone doing a scene, and when you have a flogger, you have to draw your arm back, right?" 

He demonstrated with an imaginary flogger, and she nodded. 

"So I didn't realize there was a scene going on, and... well, I got a lot of leather in my face."

Suzy chuckled. 

"The way you say it, it sounds like someone, like, threw a pair of leather pants at you, or something like that." 

"I mean, I don't doubt that's gonna happen to me at some point," said Barry, as he handed her the skirt and the high heels. 

"You lead an interesting life," Suzy said. 

"I do my best," Barry demurred, but he was smiling. "Meet you over by the seating area, okay?" 

"Where is it?" 

"Across from the bar."

"There's a bar?"

"They don't actually serve booze. This club is dry." 

"Not if people are doing it right," Suzy said, and she gave him finger guns.

Barry looked at her blankly, then burst out ugly laughing. 

"Go change your clothes, Mori," he told her.

* * * 

The bathroom was... something.

It was cramped, for a start.

Very, very cramped.

She could barely fit in the bathroom stall, and it was a struggle to get her skirt on all the way. 

But eventually, she was dressed. 

She fixed her makeup in the mirror, trying to ignore the slightly creepy art on the walls.

There were a lot of women getting spanked. 

Some of the pictures looked older than she was. 

* * *

When she came out of the bathroom, she found Barry sitting on an old stool, talking to an older gentleman with grey hair. 

The other man was laughing a lot, and Barry's smile looked a little bit pasted on. 

"So work has been a bit hard to find lately," said the older man. He had a smooth voice, and was wearing a black t-shirt. 

Even in the dark that cast shadows on everything and everything, he was the grayest man she'd ever seen. 

How could someone's skin be that color, while they were still alive? 

"Hey Mori," said Barry, and he smiled at her with his eyes and his mouth. 

Did his face always light up like that when he saw her, or was she imagining things in the first place?

She wasn't sure. 

"Who is this?" The man smiled at her, looking her up and down. 

"I'm... Mori," said Suzy, almost saying her real name at the last minute.

It seemed she wasn't the best at this cloak and dagger stuff.

"Mori, huh? That's a very nice name."

"It's short for Memento Mori," said Suzy, and she smiled. "It's morbid as fuck, I know."

He frowned at her.

"Language," he warned. 

Suzy raised an eyebrow. 

"If you keep talking like that, I'll have to put you over my knee," he said. 

He had a voice like black velvet.

"Bond," Barry said sharply, "you guys aren't in a dynamic. She can say whatever she wants."

"Of course," said... Bond. 

His expression turned sour.

"I'm gonna show her around the club a bit," said Barry, and he took Suzy's hand, leading her towards a room out in the back.

* * * 

Suzy just kinda... stared.

There was a man in a very, very frilly getup that seemed to be made of latex.

There was a woman on all fours, being led around on a leash.

There was a stage, and someone was being tied up on it, and suspended from the large wooden frame. 

There was a man lying on the floor, while a person, sitting on a chair, pressed their feet into his face.

There was a jail cell, and some sort of strange... table. 

"This both is and isn't what I expected," said Suzy, as they made their way up a set of stairs.

They were on some kind of loft, and it had couches, and what looked like Saint Andrew's crosses.

"What were you expecting?" Barry flopped down onto the couch, as if he was getting ready for a Grump episode. 

"I dunno," said Suzy. "Maybe... more naked? More sex?"

"We'll probably get more naked later in the evening," said Barry.

"So, like, we'll take our clothes off?"

"I usually stay pretty clothed," said Barry, and he grinned, then paused. "Although if, um… if we play….” He paused, blushing harder. “I’m sorry, that was… presumptuous of me.”

“No, no, it’s not,” Suzy said. “I came with you to this thing. I figure you’d expect to play with me, right?”

“Not necessarily,” said Barry. “If you didn’t wanna play, or just didn’t wanna play with me, that’d be okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

She sighed, leaning back into the couch.

* * * 

They chatted.

Apparently there was some big kink convention (imagine! A kink convention!) going on, so a lot of people weren’t around. 

A scene was going on in front of them, though - a woman was being kicked around.

She was sitting on the floor, her long legs in front of her, and the person with her - the person who had been eating the giant mushroom burger - was kicking her in the legs.

“How do you always hit the same spot?” She said, squirming, then getting back in place.

“It’s a talent,” said the tattooed person cheerfully, and then they kicked her again.

“Is that, like… a thing?” Suzy whispered in Barry’s ear. 

“What, kicking?” Barry’s voice was equally quiet. “Yeah.”

“It’s kinda… extreme?” 

Barry shrugged. 

“Different people have different views of what counts as extreme,” he said. “I know someone who was really into, like, piercing, whose hard limit was tickling.”

Suzy shivered. She liked piercings as much as the next person, but in a kink context, that sounded a bit… terrifying. 

“So… what kinda play would you wanna do… with me. If you wanted to play with me, I mean.”

Suzy cleared her throat. 

This was all… it was awkward. 

It was awkward as hell, and it was making her horny - was it the awkwardness, or was it the idea of him touching her intimately, even if it was just him hitting her? 

“What would you want me to do?” Barry was blushing as well. 

“Something… simple,” said Suzy. “Since I’m a newbie.”

“Would you wanna do impact? I could spank you?”

“I’m interested in spanking,” Suzy allowed, as if her heart wasn’t beating in her chest and between her legs.

“Yeah. Spanking would work,” Barry said. “Any particular kind?” 

“There are different kinds?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Barry, as the woman getting kicked began to laugh. 

Laugh?

That was unexpected. 

Suzy glanced over, and saw the tattooed person kicking her in new spots, harder this time. 

“The… simplest?”

“How about over the knee?” Barry indicated his lap. “Would you want me to use any specific implements?”

“Just your hands, for now,” said Suzy, and she blushed, squirming a bit. 

This all felt so… strange.

Like she was requesting something so weird, so wrong so… naughty, although she was loathe to use a word like that. 

“Right,” said Barry. “What are your limits?”

“I don’t know,” said Suzy. “I mean… I don’t want you to, like, pee on me, or anything like that -”

“I wouldn’t do that anyway,” said Barry. “It’s not allowed here.”

“So you can’t pee on me.”

“Nope.”

“What else?”

“Um… I don’t think I want you to hit my face.”

“Sounds good,” said Barry.

“We’ll deal with stuff as we come to it?” 

“Yeah. Do you know the stoplight system?”

She looked at him, confused. 

“The stoplight system. Green for keep going, yellow for pause, red for stop.”

“So if I need a break?”

“Yellow.”

“Okay,” said Suzy.

“So you ready?” Barry patted his lap. 

She climbed into his lap, carefully, wiggling until she was more or less centered.

“Is it okay if I lift your skirt up?” His voice was quiet.

“Yeah,” said Suzy. “Yeah, go for it.”

He flipped her skirt up, and she felt someone’s hand on her ass, someone’s hand who wasn’t Arin or a doctor.

That was new.

“I’m gonna start really slowly, okay?” 

His hand was just… resting on her ass, squeezing one cheek lightly.

Then he gave it a slap.

“Is that it?” She looked over her shoulder at him, raising an eyebrow.

Even with the dimness, she could see Barry giving her a Look. 

“Be good,” he said, his tone teasing. “I did say I’d start light.”

“Maybe I wanna be bad,” Suzy said, and she wriggled.

Barry pressed his elbow into the middle of her back, digging it with just enough force that she felt it.

Suzy made an indignant noise, and wriggled harder.

Barry slapped her ass harder, and then he hit her again..

“That doesn’t even hurt!”

“You’re being a brat,” said Barry, and he landed a harder hit, right on the spot where her thigh met her ass.

Suzy made an indignant noise, and jerked forward.

Okay, no, ouch, that kinda hurt. 

"You okay?" 

Barry's tone was gentle, different from the slightly authoritarian tone that he had taken on.

"If I'm not okay, I'll say I'm not okay," Suzy assured him, and she wriggled her ass, arching her back to make it stick out more.

Barry snickered, and he grabbed a handful of her butt, then slapped it. 

Suzy squeaked. 

He landed another hit, and another hit, switching it up so she wasn't sure where the hit was going to come from, except that it was somewhere on her lower body.

The corset was keeping her curled up like this as well, making it a bit harder to breathe, a bit harder for her to wriggle the way she would have liked to wriggle. 

Barry was beginning to hit her harder, and moved his elbow, one hand now resting on her head, fingers threading through her hair.

Her face was pressed into the couch cushions, and she tried not to think too hard about what some of those cushions might have seen, in their long, illustrious career as furniture in a fetish club. 

It... hurt. It hurt, and it was warm, but it could have... it could have been more.

She lifted her face up, aware that her makeup must have looked horrible, and she looked over her shoulder at Barry.

"You okay, Suze?" 

His voice was quiet enough that nobody else would have heard him using her real name, especially over the not very good techno music that was playing in the background.

... hopefully. 

"Can you... you can take my panties down. Please."

"You sure?" 

"Yeah," said Suzy. 

"Okay," said Barry, "but I'm gonna warm you up before I start to really let loose, okay?"

"Okay," said Suzy, not entirely sure what she was agreeing to, not too bothered by it either way.

She wanted to feel him on her bare skin, not separated by the thin silk of her panties. 

"Lift your hips up for me, sweetie," Barry said, his thumbs hooking under the waistband of her panties.

She did as instructed, and he brought them down, just low enough that they would have hobbled her, if she had tried to walk.

She was aware of how... awkward all of this was.

How she was wobbling on top of him, and the way that she was so _long_ \- this was the kind of punishment delivered to little children, not to adults.

The embarrassment made her face turn red, as did the fact that her bare butt was now on view for everyone to see.

She peeked out, her face looking towards the rest of the club, and she saw that they had a visitor, including that other guy, Bond. 

She turned her face back towards the back of the sofa, as Barry rubbed her ass and spoke to her softly.

"You're already starting to go a bit pink, so I'm not gonna go too hard on you, okay?"

"Okay," Suzy said quietly. 

"I didn't hear you, babe," said Barry, and he leaned forward, so that his ear was closer to her.

"I said okay," said Suzy, a little louder.

"Good girl," said Barry, and his tone was sweet enough that it made something in her stomach quiver.

* * *

It hurt more, when he spanked her like this. 

His bare palm on her bare flesh was surprisingly sharp, the pain of it stinging, lingering, almost like an itch, and she wasn't sure if she liked it or not.

She brought her arms under her face, pressing her forehead into them, breathing through her nose as Barry began to spank her a little harder, ramping it up slowly. 

He was... he was very good at this - how much had he practiced?

She didn't want it to ever stop, and she wanted it to stop right now, and the two urges were wriggling around inside of her stomach, leaving her weak in the knees and wet between them. 

He landed a hit on the very curve of her ass, and she pushed it up against his hand.

Barry actually _laughed_ , a genuinely enchanted noise, the same noise he made when one of the cats did something goofy, or Arin made a joke. 

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" 

He landed a particularly vicious hit, and that got a sound out of her - a yelp of indignation, or maybe something like a moan - she wasn't even sure what, except that it was embarrassing to make it, and she tried to burrow her face down deeper into her arms, as he landed another hit on her, and another. 

"I'm gonna aim for a hand print," he told her, in a conversational tone of voice. "Would you like that?"

"Y-you don't have one already?" 

"Well, no, I don't have one at all," Barry said, and it was a goofy voice, a voice that got her laughing, even as he landed another hit, right on the threshold of her inner thigh, and she yelped at that, and kept laughing, until the pain and the laughter were bubbling up inside of her, one big mix.

Her pussy was against his thigh, and she was getting wetter.

She was grinding against him, she realized, and she was... her clit was hard, her skin was getting tight, she was still chuckling as the familiar building in the pit of her stomach started up, making her laugh harder, humiliation twining with arousal, the whole of it one big knot in her stomach that was being tugged on with every smack of Barry's hand. 

He could tell when she came. 

She knew that, even when her back arched, her knees digging into his thigh as she thrust against him, shuddering, as he spanked her one last time, then stroked her ass with the tips of his fingers, leaving her twitching and whimpering against him as her pussy shuddered around nothing.

"I think you're done," Barry said quietly, and she was aware, suddenly, of his erection.

How long had he been hard? Had he been hard when she'd started to grind against him, or was he that into the whole spanking thing.

She tried to stand up, and she wobbled on her heels.

He held onto her hips, then tugged her into his lap, Santa style.

She pressed her forehead against his, and she was sniffling a bit, although she wasn't sure why.

"Are you okay?" His breath smelled faintly like the sandwich he'd eaten.

"I think I... -"

"I know," said Barry, and he smiled at her, looking bashful but a bit amused. "It's the first time that's happened, I gotta say."

"It's not the first time it's happened," Suzy said, a bit giddy. 

She was still twitching inside.

"Oh? You've had an orgasm from being spanked before?"

"Well, no, not from being spanked, but I've had an orgasm before."

"I should hope so," said Barry. "Considering how long you and Arin have been together."

Suzy laughed, and it was ugly laughing, snorting, not the pretty, cute laughter that she tried to have on her channel.

This was ugly, braying laughter, and then Barry joined in, as she balanced her sore ass on his slightly slimy knee, clinging to his shirt. 

* * * 

They went to the bar, when Suzy’s knees were working again, and she was embarrassed enough that she could barely look him in the face.

“I’m _so_ sorry about that,” she told him, squirming on her seat.

There was a can of root beer in front of her - it had cost three bucks, which was fucking highway robbery, but fuck it, she needed the sugar fix, and Barry didn’t seem too bothered. 

“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” said Barry, and he smiled at her. “It’s good that you enjoyed yourself. That kinda thing is important, after all.” 

“You think so?”

“What’s the point of doing all of this stuff, if not for the fact that we’re having fun?”

A man in a long, medieval style dress walked by, and Suzy watched him (her? them?) go by, then burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Barry looked at her sidelong, a bit weary. 

She couldn’t blame him - it probably looked like she was laughing at someone else’s clothes, which is always a faux paus. 

“It’s… this is just like the ren faire that Holly is always going to.”

“You think?”

“Totally,” said Suzy. “Everyone is wearing weird costumes, and speaking funny.”

“I dunno,” said Barry. “You know what it reminds me of, more?”

“What?” 

“LARPing.” 

“What, Live Action Role Playing?” 

“Yeah.”

“... why?”

“Well, like you said, we’re all wearing weird costumes, right?”

“Right.”

“But we’re also hitting each other with things that are of dubious legality.”

“Dubious legality?” Suzy raised an eyebrow.

“You see those gloves?” Barry indicated, with a nod of his head, towards a scene (was that how to put it? A scene?) going on in one corner, where the very tattooed person was beating up the young woman with an afro. 

“Not really,” said Suzy.

She was still almost gleeful from all of the endorphins running through her.

Her ass was still warm, and every time she shifted position, she was made aware of the press of hot, tender flesh.

She was squirming on her stool like a horny schoolgirl. 

“Well, Riddle -”

“Who’s Riddle?”

“The one with all the tattoos, doing the punching.”

“Right.”

“Well, Riddle is wearing sap gloves, which are only… kinda legal in this state.”

“How can they be kinda legal? Wouldn’t that kinda thing be a bit… black and white?”

“Not exactly,” said Barry, and he grinned, looking a bit self conscious, but amused. “I looked them up, when I saw them. I kinda want a pair.”

“What do they do?” 

“It’s kinda like a… wearable blackjack? I dunno how else to describe it. There’s like, metal sewn into the knuckles, and there’s sand as well to absorb hits, so when you hit, whoever is being hit really feels it.”

“So how are they sort of illegal?”

“It’s legal to own them, as long as you don’t use them.”

“... what?” 

“You heard me.” Barry took another sip of his water. “You can own a pair - like, if I went through airport security and I had a pair in my checked baggage, I wouldn’t be able to get into any trouble. But if I committed a crime, and they found them on my person, it would count as assault with a deadly weapon.”

“... that’s really confusing,” said Suzy.

“Welcome to the world of kink,” said Barry, and he laughed.

And then Bond was in front of them, smiling that smile of his.

“I saw your scene,” he told Barry, and then he was turning to look at Suzy. “Would you like to try being spanked by someone with a bit more… experience? I know that Barry has only been in the scene for a few months - I’ve got ten years of experience to back me up!”

“While I appreciate the offer,” Suzy said, using her best YouTube voice, “I’m gonna stick to playing with Barry.”

“Well, if you ever change your mind, come find me,” said Bond, and he smiled wider and wandered off. 

Suzy shivered.

She made eye contact with Barry, and he was wearing the same expression - a sort of “urgh,” the same kind of face that comes from eating something too sour, or smelling something foul. 

“I’m sorry about him,” Barry said, and he did sound genuinely regretful. 

“Why? You didn’t make him creepy,” said Suzy.

“Well, yeah, but still. It’s your first trip. I had hoped that you wouldn’t have to deal with that kinda thing.”

“I know how to deal with creeps,” Suzy said, with some authority.

Barry nodded. 

“I know you’re capable.”

“I was a model,” Suzy pointed out, “and I’ve been frequenting anime cons for how long?”

“... fair enough,” said Barry, and he laughed. Then he looked around, a bit furtive. “You know, I”m a bit surprised I haven’t seen any foot creepers around.”

“Foot creepers?” 

“Like I said,” Barry said, “we get all kinds. And for some reason, foot guys are… really creepy. To the point that someone wrote a song about it.”

“No way,” said Suzy, covering her mouth with one hand to keep from giggling too hard.

… shit, she must have looked horrible. She’d need to wash her face, reapply her makeup.

There was a flogging, on the stage at the end of the room.

A bright looking young woman with dark hair was flogging someone else, who was just wearing a pair of old jeans. 

“I have to admit,” Suzy said, “I’ve been bothered by a few of them online.” 

"I'd say that I can't blame them, but I feel like it'd be creepy," said Barry, and then he laughed, looking bashful.

"God forbid you should look anything like creepy to the girl who just accidentally had an orgasm on your leg," said Suzy, in a burst of bravery (or perhaps still giddy from all the endorphins running rampant in her system). 

Barry let out a bark of laughter, clearly surprised, and he grinned at Suzy. 

"Fair enough," he said. His body language was getting more comfortable - he was now turning entirely to face her, his elbows on his knees.

Even in the dimness of the club, she could see the dark spot on the knee. 

She could also see that he still had an erection.

Did she want to do something about it?

What could she even do, anyway?

Would Arin be annoyed about the fact that Barry had given her an orgasm?

She sighed, and she leaned back against the bar. 

She'd worry about that later.

* * * 

"What's that feel like?"

Suzy indicated the girl who was flogging the other person on the stage.

"What, flogging?" Barry looked thoughtful. "I've heard it can be really... variant. Like, there are people who can give a flogging that's the most painful thing ever, and there are people who can give one that can feel like a really heavy handed massage." His expression grew more thoughtful. "Then again, I know someone who gives massages so painful that they make people cry."

"We've been to Korean spas like that," Suzy said. 

"Well, yeah," said Barry, "but like... no, this hurts way worse."

"Have you had one?"

"She demonstrated on me, but I've never had the whole... treatment." Barry shuddered. 

"You've got floggers, right?"

Suzy tried to keep her tone light, full on inquiry. 

Not like she'd been thinking about this since she'd seen the two people on stage.

"I do, in fact," said Barry. "Why? Would you like me to flog you?"

"Please," said Suzy, and she flashed him a nervous smile. "I mean, if you still want to play with me?"

"Why wouldn't I want to play with you?" 

"I dunno," said Suzy. "Because I made it weird?"

"Su - Mori," said Barry, correcting himself mid word, "everything about this is weird. That's part of the fun."

"... fair enough," said Suzy. "So, uh... would you be okay with flogging me?"

"Let's find a spot," Barry suggested. "If you're up for it, I mean."

"Oh, I'm totally up for it," said Suzy. "My legs are working great."

"You sure? You were pretty wobbly when you got on the stool."

Barry stood up, and he offered her a hand.

She took his hand, and she squeezed it.

The funniest part of all of this - Bond was still glowering in a corner.

Because of course he was.

* * * 

It turned out, the jail cell was empty. 

Two of the walls were stone, and one of them was a huge mirror.

The other wall was just bars. 

"Now," said Barry, and he was all business, "can you stand with your face to the mirror?"

"Yeah," said Suzy. "Sounds good."

... shit, was she nervous?

She stared at her hands, and saw that they were shaking. 

What were the chances of that?

"Suzy?" Barry's voice was quiet, and he was right behind her. "I'm gonna put my hands on your back. Is that alright?"

She gave him a thumbs up.

"I want to hear you say "yes", okay?"

"Yes," said Suzy.

"What do you say if you want me to stop?"

"Red."

"Okay," said Barry, and he pressed closer to her, nuzzling his bearded face into his neck.

She moaned, embarrassing enough that she tried to bite it off, but Barry's hands were at her sides, very gently holding onto her wrists.

"It's okay," he told her quietly. "How about some sensation play, before I flog you?"

"What's sensation play?" She was starting to shake a bit, from anticipation, or... something.

"Sensation. I'll touch you with a variety of things, to make you feel stuff." He chuckled, a warm puff of air against her skin.

She could smell him, under the antiseptic/leather tang of the dungeon. 

He smelled like cologne, and like himself, and a bit like sweat. 

"Okay," said Suzy. "What kinda stuff?"

"Well," said Barry, "I thought I'd start with my hands. How does that sound?"

"Okay," Suzy said quietly. "What are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna run my fingertips up and down your back," Barry said. He was still using that calm, gentle voice. "I'm going to warm my hands up, or cool them down. I may also lean on you, if you like deep pressure."

"I don't... know if I do?"

"Well," said Barry, "only one way to find out, right?" He chuckled, and it made her weak in the knees.

Oh god.

Was she in subspace?

She'd read about subspace.

This felt a bit like people had described - floating and spacy and kind of... elsewhere, but not at the same time. 

And then Barry's fingers were trailing across her back, over her shoulders from her corset, and she didn't care what her mindset was, because it felt _so_ good, it had no right to feel that good.

There was more moaning going on, and it took her a moment to realize that it was coming out of her mouth.

She was moaning like she was being fucked, as his fingers just... stroked her, leaving her skin as one large goosebump.

"There you go," Barry said quietly. "Just relax...."

His hands left her, and she whined at the loss of contact, but then he was pressing his chest against her back, pinning her to the wall, and this must have been what deep pressure was.

It was... nice, in a way that she hadn't expected it to be. 

She was pinned here, and no matter how much she moved, she'd be stuck here. She could try to move all she wanted, but right now, Barry was pinning her. 

She was too loopy to really figure out how to plant herself, and anyway, in these heels that would probably be a really bad idea. 

His hands were doing something she heard him rubbing them together, and then they were running up and down her arms, across the ink of her tattoo and across the pale skin of her other arm, leaving her toes curling in her high heels, as she threw her head back and moaned, because now his hands were warm, and it was such a contrast to the cool mirror she was pressed into. 

His chest was still up against her back, and his shirt was soft. 

"How you doing in there?" 

Barry's voice was right in her ear, and it was soft. 

His breath tickled, and it made goosebumps break out across her back, her chest, her everything.

For all the bits of her that didn't _already_ have goosebumps.

"I'm good," Suzy mumbled, and she lolled her head back on his shoulder, relaxing into him.

Something was poking her ass, and it took her a minute to realize that it was Barry's dick, through his pants.

It took her another minute to realize that she was grinding against it herself, rubbing the softness of her ass against the hardness, as he ran his fingertips along the sides of her neck. 

"S-s-sorry," Suzy mumbled, and she tried to keep her hips still.

"It's okay," Barry said, and he pressed a kiss to the side of her neck.

She moaned, hard enough to rattle her teeth, and he kissed that spot again, open mouthed this time, his tongue darting out to trace along her jugular vein.

She moaned again, and her hips were wiggling again. 

"Do you want me to turn you around?" 

Barry's voice was rough.

She nodded, and she made a surprised noise when he grabbed her by the shoulder and more or less spun her around, so that her back was right up against the glass.

They stared into each other's eyes, light on dark, and she wanted to kiss him _so_ badly, more than she'd ever wanted to kiss anyone before.

... no, that couldn't be true. 

But when was the last time that she had wanted to kiss someone and been unable to, for whatever reason?

She shuddered, and made a noise almost like a sob. 

He cupped her cheek, thumbing her cheekbone, and he kissed her forehead.

"Bite me," she said thickly.

"Hmm?" Barry pulled back, looking a bit confused. "You sure?"

"Yeah," said Suzy.

"Where?"

"My shoulder."

"Through the fishnet?"

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me what medications you're on?"

She rattled the names off. 

"Will any of those cause you to bleed more if you're bitten?"

She shook her head. 

"Okay," said Barry, and then his mouth was on the sweet spot where her neck met her shoulder, and he was biting her with his strong, blunt, teeth.

She shuddered against him, and she moaned, grabbing at the folds of his shirt and twisting them in her fingers, squeezing her eyes shut and panting desperately. 

"Please!"

"Please what?" His voice vibrated through her chest, and then it was vibrating along her skin, as he bit along a different spot, as she wobbled on her heels. 

"Please, don't stop," Suzy whined, and oh fuck, she was... she was floating, and she was horny, beyond the point of caring what she looked like, what she sounded like. 

Barry bit her again, and she ground her hips forward, pressing them right up into his. 

He sucked this time, pulling off with a "pop", then moving to the next part of her neck, further up, and this time there was no fishnet in the way, it was just his strong jaw against the pale column of her neck, and her toes curled, her tongue practically lolling out as she humped him and writhed, pinned against the wall. 

Time lost all meaning, but Barry was pulling back, leaving gentle, chaste kisses along her neck, and she was beginning to come down from whatever headspace she had been in, because she was beginning to shake.

There were tears tracking down her face, and that was unexpected.

"Hey," Barry said quietly, and he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her temple. He began to rock in place, still holding her, and he kissed her forehead, just holding her as she shook. 

"W-why am I crying?" Suzy sniffled, then wiped her nose, her hands shaking enough that she was having trouble. 

Barry held her, beginning to stroke her hair.

"You had a lot of intense physical feelings," he told her. "Sometimes that makes people freak out, which is what happened with you."

"I don't feel... emotionally upset," said Suzy, and she kept crying.

It hadn't even hurt that much! 

So what the hell?

She sobbed into Barry's shoulder, and he rubbed her back, and he held her, until the crying subsided.

* * * 

They sat on a couch again, and they talked about nothing in particular.

"What time is it?"

Suzy's energy was beginning to flag - she didn't know how long she'd been here, and she was beginning to get sore.

The corset was biting into her sides, and she was beginning to actually feel the soreness of her ass and her neck.

Barry glanced at his watch. "It's almost two in the morning," he said.

"I think I'm ready to go to bed," said Suzy, and she yawned. "And then go home."

Barry laughed.

"I think you got those two mixed up," he told her. 

"Will you help me get undressed?" Suzy rubbed her eye, grateful she'd cried her makeup off.

"Um," said Barry, looking a bit uncomfortable.

"Just taking the corset off," Suzy said quickly. "It's hard to take it off by myself."

"Oh. Oh! Sure!" Barry smiled at her, wearing something like relief.

The club had cleared out some, and they found a dark corner that nobody was using. 

Suzy instructed Barry on how to remove the corset, and she sighed in relief when it was off of her, taking a nice deep breath when the tightness was removed.

She wasn't even thinking when she pulled her fishnet shirt off, but Barry turned around quickly, blushing. 

She pulled her t-shirt back on, and after the rub of the fishnet, the soft cotton was like a warm bath after a long day.

She gave a full body shudder of appreciation, and then she tapped Barry on the shoulder. 

"Ready to go," she told him.

* * *

"Can you text me tomorrow?"

"Sure," said Suzy, as she tried not to fall asleep in the car.

Why was she so exhausted? It wasn't like she had even done that much, all things considered. She'd been to cons which had left her much, much more exhausted. 

"And if you start feeling bad, like, emotionally, it's normal," Barry told her, completely serious.

"What do you mean?"

"When you've had an endorphin rush like that, you sometimes end up with, like, a bit of an emotional... drop, for lack of a better term? Some people get angry, some people get sad, but... well, the body has to balance shit out. So sub drop."

"I'll keep you informed," Suzy said, and she yawned. 

* * * 

Arin was on the couch, snoring quietly, with a cat on his chest. 

He jolted awake when she closed the door, sitting up.

“Suze? That you?”

“Who else has a key?” Suzy rubbed her eyes, kicking her shoes off.

Her feet were sore, and she curled her toes in the rug, yawning widely. 

“How was your party?”

“It was great,” said Suzy, and she flopped on the couch next to him, putting her head on his shoulder.

“You smell like a thingy. You smell like… crap. Antiseptic and shit.”

“I'm kinda sweaty,” Suzy allowed. 

“But didja have fun?” There was something anxious in Arin's voice, but Suzy was too tired to dissect it. 

“Yeah,” said Suzy. “I… might have accidentally cum on Barry's leg.”

“... what?” Arin went stiff. 

"It's not like we were fucking," Suzy said quickly. "He was spanking me, and I was kinda... keyed up."

"How did he get you to cum from a spanking?"

"I was across his lap," said Suzy, "and, uh... well, his knee was right where it was... appreciated."

"I thought he was just gonna beat you up," Arin said, and he sounded... she couldn't entirely interpret what it was that he sounded like, but he didn't sound happy. 

"A spanking isn't exactly cuddling," Suzy pointed out.

"Yeah, but... I thought you'd be getting flogged, or something like that."

Suzy sat up, and she gave him a Look.

"Do I need to write you a contract to all the ways that Barry is allowed to touch me?"

Her exhaustion was morphing into irritation, pretty quickly.

"Well, no, but, I thought you'd be moving more slowly than that."

"What, he can hold my hand and then maybe he could hit me with a spoon or some shit like that?"

"No, but I thought you were going to ease me into this!"

"I'm trying to fucking... what do you even want me to fucking do?!"

"I don't know! Why aren't I good enough for you?" 

"I don't know," Suzy snapped. "I could ask the same goddamn question, when you're mooning over Dan all the time."

"We already had this argument," Arin said. "And don't compare my thing for Dan for your weird hedonistic shit with Barry."

"So it's only the sweetest most innocent love for you and Dan?" 

Suzy stood up, aware that her chest was heaving, aware that there were tears dripping down her face.

Fuck.

"I want you to be happy," Arin said, and he stood up as well, so that they were more or less nose to nose.

"So why are you bitching about me having fun with Barry?" 

"... because I want Dan to want to have fun with me too, and it's not fair that you've got that!"

Arin looked a bit shocked at himself, for saying that.

"So you want me to wait around until you and Dan get around to actually being adults and talking about your feelings? Because we both know that's not fair."

"Can't you just... put a brake on it?"

"What, so I can stand around waiting for you and Dan to get into gear? Am I not gonna be allowed to do anything with Barry until you and Dan have gone all the way to whatever the fuck it is that you want? Because you know how neurotic he is - I may be too goddamn old to even go to a club by the time you get around to things."

"That's not fair," Arin said sharply.

"And you saying to me that you're okay with me doing stuff with Barry, then changing your mind as soon as I actually do something is fair?"

"... when you put it like that," Arin said, catching his breath and looking sheepish, "I'm being a real jerk."

"You don't say," Suzy said, and then she was crying.

Actually crying.

God fucking damn it.

It was ugly crying, too, and she didn't want to put her face in his chest, because she was still mad at him, but he was wrapping his arms around her, his hands on her back, and she pressed her face into the hollow under his shirt, and she cried, her tears soaking into his shirt as she sobbed.

"I had so much fun," she mumbled. "It was intense and different. I... I felt stuff, and it was so... I wanted to share it with you, and now I feel like if I tell you anything other than "I played with Barry" you'll get upset, or you'll want to hear everything we did, and then you'll get mad if it wasn't just, like, tying me to a cross and whipping me or something."

"I'm scared," Arin said into her hair, and he kissed her head. "I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology," Suzy said, looking up at him, her eyes still running. 

"Can you tell me what you did?"

"Other than the spanking? He did, um... sensation play. And he called it deep pressure play? He leaned on me, like... pressing me into the wall."

"What kind of sensation?"

"He was kissing my neck," Suzy said, and Arin went stiff again. 

Then he relaxed, slowly, his muscles un-tensing.

"I'm glad you had a good time," he told her. "I think I'm just envious, because I ended up spending the night by myself at home with the cats."

"How about next time I go to a party, you have a date with Dan?" 

"An actual date?"

"You should talk to him about it." Then she paused. "But... if he says no, I don't want you to tell me that I can't do stuff with Barry anymore."

"That wouldn't be fair," Arin agreed. "It'd just be hard, you know?"

"Yeah," said Suzy. "Like it isn't hard when I see you giving Dan cow eyes."

"... what, really?" Arin sounded surprised, his deep voice rumbling through her whole body. "It bothers you?"

"It did," Suzy said.

What, he hadn't realized? 

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Well," said Suzy, "I don't think you realized that you were doing it, and also I don't think that, you know, it would be fair, to tell you to stop having feelings. Especially when we've kinda talked about doing the open thing, and then getting pissy as soon as you took my word for it."

"Which I guess I've kinda been doing, huh?" 

"Yeah," said Suzy. 

"I'm bad at this," Arin groaned.

"Only way to get better is through practice," Suzy said, and then she was crying again, although she didn't know why.

"I should talk to Barry," Arin said slowly, and he sounded a bit nervous. 

"Yeah?" 

"Well, I wanna know more about this stuff, and I feel like every time you tell me stuff I get scared, so maybe if I hear it from the... other end of stuff, I'll feel better?"

"What, you don't like me doing stuff because I'm the one bottoming to it, or because I'm doing it in the first place?"

"... both?" Arin shrugged. "I never saw you as one to bottom to this kind of stuff - I never saw you as one to bottom to _anything_ \- so that might be why this is all so jarring."

"Maybe we should have planned this out a bit more, instead of jumping right into it," said Suzy. She sighed, all the way up from her toes. "Maybe we should have planned this a little better."

Arin shrugged. 

Suzy cleared her throat.

"I mean," she said slowly, "if you really want me to stop, I can...?"

She didn't want to stop.

Whatever they'd done today had opened up some kind of desperate longing in her - a terrifying wanting, really, although she might have still been coming off of all of the endorphins.

"No, that'd be unfair," said Arin. "And once I get my head out of my ass I can tell." He kissed her forehead. "You wanna go to bed and talk about it in the morning?"

"It technically is the morning," Suzy said, and she was giggling wetly.

Arin snorted, and they made their way upstairs. 

* * * 

The next morning, Arin was thoughtful, and he was quiet, before he began speaking.

"I think... I think that you should just do things that you want to do," he told Suzy.

"What do you mean?" She took a bite of her oatmeal.

"Like... instead of worrying about how I feel about something, in terms of you doing stuff with Barry, you should just do it."

"What happened to you trying to get used to things?"

She was a bit all over the place - she'd woken up feeling down, for some reason.

Maybe sub drop?

"I was thinking about it," said Arin, "and I think that one of the problems I've been having with that idea is with me kinda... being the deciding factor, if that makes sense?"

"Not really," Suzy said, blunt.

"Well," said Arin, "what you do with someone else is your business, to a certain extent. And I thought about what it would be like if I had to text you before I went on a date with Dan about what I could or couldn't do, or if I had to talk to you before every date going down a list or whatever, that would like... really suck."

She nodded.

"So I figure instead you can just do your own thing. Just, uh... maybe wear condoms if he fucks your pussy, or your butt."

"You think he's gonna wanna fuck my butt?" 

That was an unexpected turn of events.

"How could he not? Have you _seen_ your ass?"

"Well, no," said Suzy, and she was grinning a bit. "It is behind me."

"Well," said Arin, "you can do what you'd like, just... keep me in the loop."

"I gotcha," said Suzy.

* * * 

She got a text from Barry later that day.

_How are you feeling?_

_I'm good. How are you?_

_I'm good. I think that was the most fun I've had at a party_

_What, really?_

_Totally_

_What made it so fun?_

Her heart was in her throat. 

_You, obviously_

_We should totally do it again_

_We really should_

She put a hand on her chest, as her heart began to beat faster. 

_Would you want to try being more... physical?_

_What do you mean by physical?_

_Like, sexual_

_I thought Arin wasn't comfortable with that?_

_We had a talk about that_

_Can I have a talk with him as well?_

_Sure_

Did he not believe her? 

_He might feel better hearing it from me_

_Hearing what?_

_I dunno. But I feel like it'd be polite, if nothing else. The guy is my friend, and you're my friend, and I want to make sure everything is on the up and up with both of you_

_On the up and up?_

_I dug up a bunch of old radio dramas. I think it's infecting my brain like a virus_

_What kind of old radio drama are we talking about?_

He sent her a little voice message, of his voice imitating an old time radio announcer.

"The Green Hornet. He hunts the biggest of all game - public enemies that even the g-men cannot reach! The Green Hornet...."

And then he was whistling the flight of the bumblebee, before he hung up.

In spite of her... what, irritation? Drop? Exhaustion? Whatever it was, despite it, she burst out laughing. 

_Thanks for that. I needed it_

_It's what I'm here for, babe_

She blushed.

_You're here for plenty of things_

_Spanking you seems to be one of them_

_I did like that a lot_

_I'd like to try using an implement next time. Although I'm sorry I never ended up flogging you_

_It's okay. I enjoyed the stuff we did instead_

_There's gonna be a party next weekend, with a different group, if you'd like?_

_Sure!_

_It's at a different club this time. This one allows a bit more sexual stuff, if that would be alright with you?_

_It'd be great with me_

_Well, I guess we should start planning a scene then, unless you wanna be spontaneous?_

_... actually_

_Actually?_

Suzy took a deep breath.

Fuck, but she was nervous.

_Can I write you down a list of stuff that I like, and you could maybe tell me stuff you'd be interested in from that?_

_Sounds like a good plan_

* * * 

Barry and Arin went to lunch the next day, all on their own.

Arin had been a bit antsy, but he was friendly enough.

Barry looked... very relaxed, actually. Calmer than she'd ever seen him, almost. 

They came back from lunch grinning and laughing, and Arin kissed the top of her head.

He looked... relieved.

She wondered, vaguely, what they had been talking about.

* * * 

She sent Barry a list. 

She'd been wandering around the site, asking after the different things and what they meant, reading discussions.

She was pretty sure she knew the stuff that she _wasn't_ interested in, which was a good start.

Now to figure out what it was that she wanted to do. 

It was a long list, and there were a lot of question marks. 

But fuck it.

She was going to try new shit.

Although not actual shit, because ew.

* * * 

She had dinner with Arin that night. 

"I had a good lunch with Barry," said Arin. "We talked about stuff."

"Yeah?" 

Arin nodded. 

"I was worried for nothing," he said, and then he began to chuckle. "Well, maybe not, like, nothing-nothing, but pretty close to nothing."

"What'd you guys talk about?"

"Just about like... how I'm nervous about you going off on a whirlwind affair, or about you getting bored with me. Also about that new Megaman game that's supposed to be coming out soon, and some other random stuff."

"So you're feeling better?"

"Yeah," said Arin. "He gave me some advice about Dan, too."

"What, really?"

"Yeah." 

"I guess living with the guy could give him some insight into Dan's brain," Suzy allowed, and she took another forkful of potatoes.

Arin blushed. 

"It was... kinda hard to admit I had a thing for Dan," he told Suzy, and... yeah, he was most definitely blushing. "I dunno. It feels so... cliche. Like all those weirdos on Tumblr are finally being validated, that two bros can't just be bros or something."

Suzy shrugged.

"The weirdos on Tumblr are surprisingly perceptive," she pointed out. "And hey, at least it isn't like those gross dudes on Reddit, right?"

"... fair enough," said Arin, and he laughed. "But fuck it. Let's be happy."

"We're doing our very best," said Suzy.

“So we’re good.” He kissed her hand, squeezing her fingers, and her chest was squeezed just as hard.

* * * 

"So Arin said you guys had a nice talk?"

Suzy leaned against Barry's desk in the office, her hip digging into the edge of it, but that was okay.

It was all going to be okay.

"Yeah," said Barry, his headphones around his neck. "And we've got that party coming up."

"Anything you, uh... anything you want me to wear? Or do?"

Barry raised an eyebrow, but he looked amused.

"Clothing selection was on the list," he said. "But you have a _lot_ of clothes. How about... the shoes you have in your avatar, and something in purple." 

And then his expression turned a bit mischievous, although he was blushing very hard. 

"And... wear a bra that has a clasp in the front."

Suzy blushed, but she nodded. 

"Anything else?"

"Do you... do you want to cry?" He was talking quietly.

The only person around was Ryan, and he had his own headphones on. 

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want me to make you cry? From hurting you, or embarrassing you, or something like that?"

"... I don't know?" 

"Well," said Barry, "can you wear really thick mascara? If you're okay with it running, I mean."

Suzy blushed, biting her lip.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," said Suzy, and she patted the top of his head.

* * * 

It took her an age to figure out what she was going to wear.

It turned out that she owned a lot of purple. 

She debated on calling him up for more clarification, but no.

"The party is in two days," Arin said, slightly forlorn from his spot on the bed.

"Well, I wanna make sure I know what it is that I'm going to be wearing," Suzy said, and she looked over her shoulder.

He was smiling down at his phone with a slightly besotted expression. 

Suzy snorted.

"So what's Dan saying?"

"How could you tell that it was Dan?"

Arin looked slightly guilty. 

"You're wearing your lovesick face," Suzy said. 

"I have a lovesick face?"

"You totally do," said Suzy, and she flopped onto the bed next to him, putting her face on his chest and snuggling up. 

"... sorry?"

"It's okay," said Suzy. 

"Does it, like, bother you that I'm being all love sick to someone who isn't you?" 

She shrugged.

"I mean... you're gonna feel what you feel," she said. "It bothers me a little bit, but I'll get it over with." 

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

He wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

"For the record," he said into her hair, "I think you should wear a corset again. You look wicked hot in those."

"You think?"

"I don't think," said Arin, pulling her closer, so that she was more or less lying on top of him. "I know."

She snorted, a puff of warm air across his chin, and it ruffled the hair on his beard.

* * * 

And then it was the night of the party.

She was sitting in the car, all of her fancy clothes in a bag at her feet, and she was leaning back against her seat, anticipation rising in her stomach.

"So why doesn't this group have a munch?"

"They do," said Barry, "but it's at midnight on a Wednesday, which isn't exactly the most convenient time."

"Why do that?"

"A lot of students who keep weird hours," said Barry, as he made the turn.

"Um," said Suzy, and this was a bit embarrassing. "Would you be okay with helping me getting dressed?"

"Sure," said Barry. "I'll help any way I can."

He shot her a look that was so full of sweetness that it melted something in her stomach. 

"I'd love to help you," he told her. 

She smiled back at him.

* * *

To get to the space, they had to crowd into a small elevator with four other people.

Someone's elbow was digging into her left breast.

There was someone sitting at the entrance of the place, naked, but otherwise looking pretty bored.

They were taking people's IDs and their money.

At least the pricing wasn't gendered here - it was thirty dollars for both of them.

The space was small and dimly lit - it seemed like the lightbulbs were all red, which was... odd, but what the heck.

It looked weird and kind of spooky, which was probably what they were going for.

"Unfortunately," said Barry, indicating a line in front of a door, "the bathroom is kinda ridiculously held up. Would you mind changing in a corner?"

"Okay," said Suzy, and she was only a little bit nervous.

"I'll stand in front of you," said Barry.

He was wearing a nice pair of jeans and a button down flannel, as always. 

* * * 

She took her clothes off in a corner, quickly - it was odd, doing it like this.

The bra was less... fancy than the rest of her clothes, and it was odd, like she was dressed wrong.

She ended up having Barry help her lace up the corset, and then she was standing up straight, staring down at her... bare feet.

"Oh fuck," said Suzy, and she made an annoyed face.

"What's up?" Barry glanced at her, admiration clear on his face.

She'd worn another mini skirt, purple plaid this time, and her corset was under-bust. Her shirt was a button down, made of velvet and tied off under her belly, the sleeves rolled all the way up. 

"I forgot to put my shoes on first," said Suzy.

"Why do you need to put your shoes on first?"

Suzy knocked her knuckles against the corset.

"... right," said Barry, and he laughed. "Sorry. Missed that. Would you like me to help you put them on?"

"I can't really think of a different way to get them on," she told him.

He put her hands on his shoulders, and he helped her step into them.

She was taller than him in these heels.

* * *

They found a spot in one of the rooms, which had a giant bean bag.

"This club allows sexual stuff," said Barry, "but no penetration or oral."

"... so hand jobs?"

"Basically," said Barry. "It's kind of a health and safety thing. Or possibly related to licensing." 

He rubbed his hands together, looking as nervous and excited as she felt.

"Now," said Barry, "I've got a scene idea, and I'd like to know if you'd be up for it."

"Okay," said Suzy. "Give it to me."

"I can't do that here," said Barry, and he was looking _very_ pleased with himself, "but if you really want me to...."

Suzy snorted, ignoring the way her cheeks were turning bright red.

* * * 

He told her the scene.

She... was very much into it. 

* * * 

“Have you ever been tied up before?” 

They were standing under a hook in the ceiling, and Barry was taking coiled rope out of his bag. 

“Arin used handcuffs on me once,” said Suzy. “And scarves.”

Barry winced. 

“Be careful with scarves,” he told her. “You can really cut off circulation with those.”

“Yeah. It's why we haven't done it in a while,” said Suzy. “I ended up getting really bruised, and i had to rearrange my outfit of the day videos for about a week and a half.”

Barry whistled. 

“I'll be careful,” he promised. “Now… give me your wrists?” 

She held them out, palms together, and he carefully wrapped the rope around them. 

“I'm gonna need to concentrate for this bit,” he told her, his voice quiet. “So if you've got questions, can you ask them when I'm done?”

She nodded. 

“What do you say when you want me to stop?”

“Red.”

“Very good. And pause?”

“Yellow.”

He kissed her forehead hesitantly, and she leaned into it and smiled. 

“Good girl,” he said. 

… that was a series of conflicting emotions. 

Huh. 

She liked the praise. 

She didn't know if she liked the words he used. 

She would have to examine that, at some later date. 

But he was throwing the rope up through the hook, and when he pulled on it, her bound wrists were pulled over her head. 

“You comfortable?” He stood on his tiptoes to slide his fingers under the rope around her wrists, to make sure that it wasn't squeezing her too hard. 

“Yeah,” she said. 

“Good,” said Barry, and he stepped back. “Now… how about that flogging?”

“Okay,” said Suzy. 

Her head was going quiet, which was… unexpected, although she wasn't sure why. 

She had read about rope space, but was it always this simple? Apply rope, drop into a headspace?

“We should have taken your shirt off first,” came Barry's voice from behind her. “Oh well.”

His arms came around, and then his fingers were on the front of her shirt, touching the buttons. 

He unbuttoned her shirt carefully, and his breath was warm against her neck, his beard ticklish.

He pushed the back of the shirt up over her head, leaving her back bare but for the corset, draping the loose fabric over her shoulders.

"This is gonna be handy," said Barry, still using that same calm, quiet voice. "Because now I've got a nice clear way of telling where I should and shouldn't hit you. Not that I didn't have one before, but now I've got the very clear delineation."

"Are you worried about hitting the wrong spot?"

"Not really," said Barry, "but it's nice to have a fail safe solution."

That was the most Barry thing she'd ever heard, and it made her smile.

Which turned into a moan, as his fingers trailed across her back again.

She was getting weak in the knees, and she squeezed her eyes shut, as his fingers danced up and down her back, between her shoulder blades, then along the knobs of her spine. The corset had a low back, thank god.

She shuddered, and then she sobbed, as he kissed along her back, nipping it gently.

She was possibly going to have some kind of hickey on her back, some kind of intrusive purple thing, and she wanted that, which was startling.

She was used to being a thing for people to admire, and part of that was being a blank slate. 

Bruises took away from that, apart from a certain type of creeper that she didn't want to think about.

But didn't getting off on all of this make her that kind of creeper?

... she was going in circles, or going somewhere. 

Maybe this quiet place wasn't as good as she had thought it could be.

And then Barry's mouth was on her ear, nibbling gently, then sucking on her earlobe.

She moaned, and she sagged forward, until the only thing that was really keeping her upright was the rope around her wrists.

It was biting in, and she wanted those marks, she wanted some kind of proof that she had been here, that she'd done all of this, with him. 

That she existed, and that he existed, and that the two of them were having a physical reaction, to each other. 

One of his big hands pushed her hair over one shoulder, and he kissed the back of her neck, pushing her shirt out of the way, then nibbling, right where the very thin hair was beginning to grow. 

He kissed her there, on the bite mark, and she moaned again, harder.

"Oh, fuck," Suzy sobbed, and he... grabbed her by the hips?!

"We can't do that," said Barry, and his voice and was its usual calm self, except for the fact that he was grinding his erection right up against her ass, and he was maneuvering it so that each thrust of his hips pushed her skirt up further, until the only thing that was separating his dick from her ass was the thin fabric of her panties, and his own jeans.

The teeth of his zipper were cold, and his cock was very hot through the fabric. 

"Oh," said Suzy, and she ground back, clumsily, breathing heavily. 

She was starting to sweat, and she was panting through her mouth, like some kind of beast.

Maybe that was all she was right now - some kind of beast, tied up and bred.

... fuck, why was that hot?

She wanted to moan for him to fuck her, to breed her, to use her. To spread her legs and press his dick into the desperate dripping wetness between her legs, as long as he kept doing it and didn't stop, no matter what.

But she wasn't there yet.

Maybe she would be, some day.

But for now, she lolled her head back, onto his shoulder, and she ground wantonly against him, her toes curling in her Ouija board heels.

"I'm gonna flog you now," said Barry. "Are you ready?"

She nodded.

"Use your words," Barry said, and his voice was just commanding enough to make her shake.

Holy _shit_ but it was hot when he did that. He needed to do it more.

Like, much more.

"I'm ready," Suzy said, her voice hoarse.

"What are you ready for?"

"I'm ready for you to flog me."

"And what do you say if you want me to stop?"

"Red."

"And pause?" 

"Yellow." 

"Okay," said Barry, and he kissed her on the side of the neck, since it was the closest thing in reach.

She tried not to do anything too crazy, and she shuddered, holding onto the rope.

* * * 

She spaced out, as he rummaged through his bag, presumably to find his flogger and whatever else it was that he was going to use for this scene.

Well, the flogger, obviously, but other stuff as well - he'd discussed some of the other stuff, stuff that she was interested in, that she'd put on that list for him. 

First, there was something almost cold and slithering against her back, and she shivered convulsively. 

Barry draped the throw of the flogger over her shoulder, the tips of it ticklish across the tops of her breasts. 

She nuzzled into it, and the deep, rich scent of the leather went right up into her head, filling her like a glass of water.

It was... it was exactly like leather, it was exactly like some hidden, visceral thing that she had, deep inside of her, a bit of her that she ignored while going about her life. All human beings need to ignore certain things in order to go about our day to day lives, since it's not like we can hold desperation or loneliness inside of ourselves in every moment of every day. 

It wasn't like leather could fix that inside of her, right? 

It was just the scent of it.

Hell, she owned her own leather - it didn't give her this kind of reaction.

Then Barry was pulling the throw of the flogger off of her, and he was pushing her hair back over the front of her body, running his fingers through the thick silkiness of it.

"I'm gonna get started now," he told her. 

"Okay," said Suzy. "I'm ready."

* * * 

The first hit was a bit like being hit in the back.

Which was what it was, admittedly, but it was... it was like that one friend, the one who is too enthusiastic, who gives back slaps.

She'd read about the different types of pain that could be inflicted with impact play - sting versus thud, things like that. 

So this was thud.

It was rattling her bones, and she moaned, in surprise, or maybe in something like terror, but who cared, because he was hitting her again, this time on the other shoulder blade, and the pain was just as intense, but she knew what was coming, even as it throbbed across her skin. 

"How you doing in there?" Barry's voice was quiet, and it was right by her ear.

His flannel was pressing into her back, and it was warm, her skin so tender it left her shuddering already. 

She could feel each individual button, right up against her.

"Please don't stop," Suzy mumbled. 

"So you like the flogging, then?"

She nodded frantically. 

"Good girl," he said, and he kissed her neck, gently, from behind her ear to her jaw.

It left her weak in the knees, as she put more weight on the rope around her wrists. 

It bit into her flesh, and there was a perverse type of delight in that.

She was beginning to understand the way a lot of masochists online begged for marks, and why they showed them off.

She wanted the proof of this experience, that she didn't dream it up, that she really had felt all these amazing, strange things.

And then the flogger was hitting her again - when had Barry stepped back?

The floggers were made of leather, and she fancied she could smell it, even as she was being beaten. 

Even as he let it fall and slap, fall and slap, in time with the rather repetitious music that was playing in the background, in time with the pounding of her heart, the throbbing of her feet.

She lost herself in the pain, in the coldness of her skin when it wasn't being hit, in the warmth when it was, in the sting of it, and then the thud.

She was wet between the legs, she realized at some point, when her back was hot even when it wasn't being hit at that moment.

She was wet between the legs, smearing across her thighs, sweating down her back, and she wasn't sure if the wetness was due to arousal or due to sweat.

Her nipples were pricking in her bra, and her breathing was labored - it was probably arousal. 

But who knew? 

What even was arousal?

"Su - Mori?"

Suzy blinked.

Barry wasn't hitting her anymore - he was in front of her, and he was looking into her eyes, his face concerned.

"Mori? How are you feeling?"

She smiled at him.

"I need you to use your words, sweetheart." 

He cupped her face, thumbed her cheek bone.

She nuzzled into his hand, unthinking in her pain and arousal. 

The quiet was nice - much nicer than she thought it would have been.

"Okay," said Barry. "I think we're done with flogging. Your back is _bright_ red."

"Can I see?"

"When I untie you, we can look in the mirror," said Barry.

"Are you gonna untie me?" 

The idea filled her with panic, which was... well, it was kinda weird, truth be told. 

Comfort in bondage?

That was a new one. 

Probably some kind of political commentary or something.

She started to laugh then, and Barry looked worried, then joined in, his eyes crinkling up at the sides, his nose wrinkling. 

She tried to lean forward and kiss him, but the rope stopped her short, and her nose brushed against his lips. 

Barry actually _laughed_ , and okay, no, that was weird, but she wanted to kiss him so badly, and he was laughing, and she was laughing.

And he was kissing her.

His big hands were on her cheeks, supporting her a bit, and he was brushing his lips against hers, gently, almost chastely.

She tried to deepen the kiss, but he pulled back, looking stunned, then smug.

"Do you want me to kiss you some more?"

She nodded frantically.

"How about... how about if you can take the cane, I'll kiss you," he said. 

"Where are you gonna cane me?" 

"How about... your thighs?" 

"... what, with a cane?" She looked a bit nervous. 

"Yeah," said Barry. “That’s generally how you cane people.”

"And that's the only way you'll kiss me?"

"Oh, no," said Barry quickly. "I was kidding around." He looked a bit bashful. "I'll kiss you... I'll kiss you whenever you'd like, if you'd like me to."

"I would," said Suzy.

"But I like the idea of a game," said Barry, and he looked even more embarrassed. "Like... if you can take so many hits, I'll kiss you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I'd be willing to try that," Suzy allowed. 

"Okay," said Barry, and then he was rummaging through his bag.

He pulled out something long and thin and wooden. 

"What is that?"

"It's a cane," said Barry. 

He didn't say duh, and Suzy was very grateful.

"Okay," said Barry. "I'm gonna give you... how about six hits? Three on each side. And if you take it, I'll kiss you."

"Where on my thighs are you gonna hit me?"

"The backs," said Barry. "Although, um." He cleared his throat. "Would it be alright if I pushed your skirt up?"

"... sure," said Suzy, and she blushed. 

Fuck it.

He'd seen her bare ass in the past. What was one more time seeing it?

* * * 

The air was cold against her ass, and he had pulled her panties up extra high, presumably to give himself more thigh to work with. 

The cane made a "whoosh" as it when through the air, and then there was a band of burning, stinging pain across the backs of her thighs, and she was sobbing, panting, sagging into the ropes that were holding her up.

"That's one," said Barry, his voice deceptively cheerful. "Although I guess I misjudged how long the cane is. This isn't gonna be three on each, it'll be six on all of them!"

"Great," Suzy said weakly, and then he hit her again, managing to get both thighs, yet again, hard enough to make her stamp her foot, which is a bad idea when you're wearing heels, and she wobbled.

He hit her again, the cane making its noise, and she flinched, but the pain was unfolding in her mind like a flower, her legs trembling from the effort of holding her up and enduring the pain at the same time. 

She was panting like an animal, her mouth open, her breasts heaving like something out of a seedy romance novel, and that got her laughing, because the mental image of being on the cover of some romance novel, with her sweaty face and her shaking legs, that was ridiculous, but... still. 

"I'm glad you're enjoying this," said Barry, in that same cheerful tone. "I guess I can just hit you _harder_ , huh?"

He punctuated "harder" with a hit, and that hurt like a motherfucker, but Barry made a surprised noise.

"Is everything okay?"

"I just broke the cane," said Barry, and he sounded mildly stunned.

"I'm sorry," said Suzy, and she was, genuinely sorry, the anxiety welling up in the back of her throat. "I'm so sorry!"

"Don't be," said Barry, and he pressed closer to her, his arms draped across her shoulders, his cheek against hers.

He was holding a piece of the broken cane in one hand, and she glanced at it, and saw that it had indeed snapped in half.

Holy crap.

"I need to get stronger canes," he told her, his tone serious. "To make sure that I can actually do some damage on your cast iron thighs." 

Suzy laughed, still giddy with endorphins.

"Does this mean that you won't kiss me?"

"Well," said Barry, "it's not really your fault that the cane broke. So I guess I'll give you a kiss, since you obviously have thighs of truly glorious proportions."

"All of my proportions are glorious," Suzy agreed.

And then Barry was standing in front of her.

He was smiling at her, looking shy, and then he was cupping her cheeks in his big hands, the tips of his fingers right up against her scalp, his face moving ever closer to her.

And then they were kissing.

Actually, full on kissing, mouth to mouth, his beard ticklish against her chin, his mustache soft against her upper lip.

He kissed her sweetly, wetly, and she moaned against him, trying to get closer, his tongue sliding into her mouth when she gasped, gently stroking hers, then tracing along the bluntness of her teeth.

He pulled back, panting, and he smiled at her, a little dazed, his lips swollen.

"I guess I have to use my hands, if I want to hit your thighs," said Barry, and he looked a bit dazed, but mostly he was smiling. 

"Y-yeah?"

"Those are a bit harder to break," Barry said.

"Okay," said Suzy, "but the consequences if you break them would be a problem."

"You'd take me to the emergency room, right?"

"Well, I mean, yeah," said Suzy, "but how would you get me out of the rope?"

"... I hadn't thought of that," Barry admitted. "I guess I'll have to be very careful." 

And then he was... kneeling in front of her?!

Oh shit.

He'd be able to tell how wet she was, from the smell, from the look of her panties. 

But fuck it. 

He pushed her skirt up, and the expanse of her thighs was visible. 

His breath was hot and ticklish against the front of her panties, and that was sending shivers down her back, as if she wasn't already one big twitching, desperate nerve.

He grabbed her thighs, one in each hand, and he forced her legs apart, pushing them open.

She was open.

If he slid his hand between her legs, into her panties, his fingers would glide right into her.

Would he curl them? Did he go for the g-spot first, or did he concentrate on the clit?

She whimpered, and he glanced up at her, raising an eyebrow. 

"You alright?"

She nodded. 

"That's good," he said cheerfully, and then he drew his hand back and he slapped her.

It was stingy, and it was intense - it lingered, almost itchy, and she felt it for a good few seconds.

But he was hitting her other thigh already, and she was barely noticing the other thigh, because there was _that_ burst of pain, and she was shaking, she was groaning, she was shuddering, she was trying to get away but then pulling herself back towards it at the same time, still panting. 

"Oh my god," Suzy whined, and he smirked.

"I'm not your god," Barry told her, and she rolled her eyes at him. 

That earned her another, harder slap, and she squealed, which made him laugh, more warm air across her wet cunt, and that was... oh, that was... something.

Barry grabbed her sore, red thighs, and he squeezed them, hard enough that it was more painful than the hits, and she sobbed - there was wetness dripping down her face, and she didn't know if she was crying or sweating, because everything was just so _much_. 

He kept hitting her, loud slaps that filled the room, and she realized, a bit belatedly, that there were people watching them, gathered around the scene.

She blushed - her arousal was obvious, her breasts were heaving, her nipples hard through her bra. 

"Suzy?" 

Barry looked up at her, and she noticed, even in the dim light, that his eyes were dark, and he was panting, open mouthed.

He was sweating as well, his hair sticking to his face. 

"Y-yeah?"

He shouldn't have used her real name, he should have used her scene name, but fuck it, she'd tell him off for it later, because right now wasn't the time for telling him off, now was the time for panting, for _writhing_ , because his hits were going higher, until the very tip of his hand was right on the elastic around her thigh of her panties, and she sobbed and squealed. 

"Baby, I think I'm done hitting you," Barry told her, and he stood up, so that they were nose to nose. "Is there anything you want?"

"Anything you want," Suzy said, and wow, her knees were _really_ shaking.

"You've done such a good job," Barry said, and he pressed his forehead against hers, rubbing noses. 

"Yeah?"

"Totally," Barry said. "Do you want anything?"

"Make me cum," Suzy blurted out. "... please?"

"Right," said Barry, and he looked embarrassed, but amused. "I can't... I need to get a glove, hold on a sec."

He walked over to the table nearby, which was covered in what looked like puppy pads and a box of gloves.

* * * 

Suzy was floating.

She was truly floating, about an inch outside of her body, and Barry was talking to her quietly.

"I can't... penetrate you here," he told her. "But... if you want to have an orgasm, you could, uh... you could grind against my hand?" 

"I'll do anything you want," Suzy babbled. 

Wow.

She hadn't ever been _this_ far gone.

Was this what being high felt like? Or being drunk?

"I'm gonna keep your underwear on," he told her. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah," said Suzy, still dazed.

"Okay," said Barry. 

Then he paused.

"Would it be alright if I touched your breasts?" 

"Yeah," said Suzy. "Yeah, touch... touch anything you want to. Reach down my throat to touch my liver, if that's what would make you happy."

... shit.

There was far gone, and then there was... whatever the fuck this was.

Barry, at least, didn't seem too grossed out. If anything, he looked amused.

"I don't think I'd be able to get to your liver that way," he said. 

And then he kissed her.

He kissed her, and his hands went to the clasp of her bra, undoing it.

Her breasts spilled forward, her cup running over, and then he was kissing along her neck again, as he held her breasts in his hands, pushing her bra to the side, thumbing her nipples.

"God, you're beautiful," said Barry, and his voice was reverent. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

"Thank you," Suzy mumbled.

She didn't know how to respond to that, or why something in her stomach twisted awkwardly.

Maybe it was the fact that she was being watched. 

Barry pressed his face into her chest, nibbling along her collarbone, then moving down, still holding her breasts in his hands.

"You're so soft," he crooned, and he had callouses on the tips of his fingers from playing his guitar and his ukulele, and the contrast was interesting.

It was all so _interesting_ , and she was noting that in a distant kinda way, and then he was sucking on her nipple, his mouth hot and wet, familiar but alien at the same time.

She wanted to get used to it, and she wanted it to never stop being new.

One of his hands was on her belly now, and then it was moving down, pressing down on her groin, then pausing.

He pulled off of her nipple with a "pop" and kissed the tip, then looked up at her, his expression shy but hopeful.

"Is it okay if I, um... if I put my hand between your legs?"

"Yes," Suzy said. "Please, yes."

"Okay," said Barry. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna put my hand right... here." 

His hand - covered in latex - went between her legs, through her panties. The tip of his middle finger was just against her asshole, and the heel of his hand was right up against her clit.

"I can feel your clit," he told her quietly, into the soft skin between her breasts. "It's so hard. Is that how horny you are? How much do you want it?"

Suzy didn't answer, just tried to grind down against him.

He withdrew his hand, resting it on her thigh.

"Use your words, sweetheart," said Barry, and his voice was stern, enough that she was quaking in her boots. 

"Please," Suzy said, keeping her voice quiet, "I want it. So much."

"What do you want, baby?"

"I want to cum," Suzy said. 

"From my hand?"

"From your hand."

"Well," said Barry, "what do we say when we want something?"

"... please?"

"Please what?"

"Please, may I cum?"

"I mean, if you can cum, that's all on you," said Barry, and his hand was back where it was, only now he was squeezing as well, and the long line of his finger was parting her labia, as the heel of his hand ground against her clit.

"Oh," Suzy moaned, and she almost fell over, sagging against him.

He had to wrap his other arm around her, and he was leaning down, sucking bruises into the soft skin of her breasts, and the little bursts of pain made it so much better.

"B-Bar?"

"Hm?" 

"Can you... can you hit my face?"

Where had that come from?

"I wouldn't be comfortable doing that one handed," said Barry, "and I don't think you'd want me to do stop this."

He squeezed her pussy again, and she ground against him harder, her eyes fluttering shut, her knees about to give way.

"My tits?"

"You sure?" He kissed over her right nipple.

"Yeah," said Suzy. "Please?"

"Well," said Barry, "far be it from me to refuse such a polite request."

He drew his hand back, and he slapped her left breast, right above her nipple. 

Suzy screamed. 

She screamed, and the flash of pain joined the heat that was growing in her belly, and she curled forward, whimpering, but Barry grabbed her shoulder, forcing her upright, so that they were making eye contact.

"You like riding my hand like this?" His voice was quiet, and his eyes were intense, almost glowing in the low light.

Suzy nodded, and she wriggled her hips, as he squeezed, forcing his hand closer to her pussy, grinding it harder against her clit.

"I can feel how hard your clit is," he said quietly. "Do you wish that this was my face instead? Would you want me to eat you out?"

"Oh, god, yes," Suzy said, and she was... well, okay, she was whining, desperate little sounds, needy as a schoolgirl with her first boyfriend as she squeezed his hand between her thighs, already drawing closer to her orgasm. 

It was right _there_ , right over the edge, and she just needed... something. Something to give it the extra push.

"Bite me," she said thickly. "Please, bite me, I'll do anything, I'll suck you off, I'll... please... please... oh!"

He bit her on the shoulder, hard enough that she felt something go "crunch", and that was... the pain was intense, and then she was cumming, her pussy clenching around nothing, her toes curling in her high heels as she just came and came, her belly spasming, her hands yanking at the rope above her head.

He kissed the bite mark, and he held her, as she shook, sobbing, her thighs tense as marble and sticky with her own arousal. 

"It's okay," Barry said quietly, still holding her, rocking her. "I've got you. Shh...."

Someone was sobbing.

It was her.

Huh.

All of the various hurts caught up with her - the throbbing of her feet, the way her shoulders were downright strained....

"Bar?"

"What's up, Mori?"

"Barry, my arms hurt. A lot."

As did her feet. She was sweating, dripping down her back, and she was beginning to shake, _really_ shake, at a rate that she wasn't expecting.

"Let's get you untied," Barry said, his tone soothing, "and we can sit you down. How about I give you a nice foot rub? That might help things."

She nodded, a bit beyond words, and she let him guide her.

* * *

He untied the rope from around her wrists, and then he carefully led her to a beanbag chair. 

At the last minute, he left her, and then he came back, bearing a puppy pad.

"To be on the safe side," he told her, "since you, uh... enjoyed yourself so much." 

He blushed, and she smiled at him, biting her lip.

She flopped onto the beanbag chair, her eyes drifting shut as Barry started to scurry about the room, presumably cleaning up, putting away their gear, and all that good stuff.

She was brought out of her pleasant daze by the sensation of someone standing in front of her.

She peeked her eye open, and there was a man standing in front of her, towering over her, really.

"Your feet must hurt a lot," he said. 

He was wearing a black leather jacket and a pair of ironed jeans.

"They do," Suzy said.

She was still topless, and she covered her breasts with both hands, nervous.

"Could I offer you a foot rub?" He was already kneeling down in front of her, his hands going for her ankle.

"Hey," said Barry, from behind the guy.

He was dwarfed, and he looked... downright benign, with his rope over his shoulder and his bag in his hand. 

The man ignored Barry.

"We're actually still doing the scene," Barry said. "Aftercare and whatnot."

"I was just offering a foot rub," the guy said.

"I'm sure it's well appreciated," said Barry, "but we're not done."

The man in the leather jacket backed away, looking sulky, and Barry flopped on the floor in front of her. 

"Hi," he said. 

"Hi," said Suzy. "Sorry about that."

"What are you apologizing about?" Barry beckoned for her to lean forward.

She did, and he took her hands, squeezing her fingers.

"I should've told him to fuck off."

"Him being pushy isn't a thing you need to apologize for, babe," said Barry. 

"I know," Suzy said. "But still." 

"No still," said Barry, and he patted her knee. "I got you a bottle of water." He handed it to her.

She smiled at him, and she took it, slugging it back.

There was about a minute of quiet, as she drank her water and he sat next to her, putting his rope back into his bag.

"... hey, Barry?"

"Yeah?"

"That guy was right. About my feet, I mean. But I don't wanna... like, take my shoes off and have them creep on me. If I just have my feet just out there, they'll creep on me. I can just tell." 

"What if I gave you a foot rub?"

"You'd be okay with doing that?"

"Sure," said Barry. "Feet aren't like... some disgusting thing. They're just feet."

"Well," said Suzy, "if you're sure. Although won't that kinda do something to your domly image?"

"Pfft. What domly image?" 

"I dunno. You extrude an air of quiet confidence...."

She bit back a moan, as he resettled himself on the floor, pulling her feet into his lap, the back of her heel resting on his thigh. 

"I think you mean exude," said Barry, as he carefully removed her heel.

"Hmm?"

"Exude. Not extrude. Extruding is like... a different word."

"Don't they mean the same thing?"

"I always think of what they do with chicken slurry," said Barry, and he paused. "Can I take off your stockings?"

"Sure," said Suzy. "As long as you put them back on."

"No worries," said Barry, and then he was pulling her thigh highs down and off, leaving her legs bare in the dim light.

They were practically glowing - she hadn't gotten a lot of sun lately, and she blushed.

Barry took her foot in his hand, and he squeezed it, then began to knead it, gently.

She sighed, relaxing into the bean bag chair, as Barry's strong fingers kneaded at her sole, his thumb digging into the tops of her feet.

"Next time, we're putting you in sensible shoes," he told Suzy.

Her stomach fluttered at the "next time" - not just her stomach, either. 

Why was she so worked up?

Was she that much of a masochist?

At least all of the rubberneckers had left.

And Barry's fingers were strong, and she was relaxing.

She opened her eyes, and then she giggled, leaning forward so that he could hear her better, the puppy pad rustling under her.

"That guy behind you is staring holes into the back of your head," Suzy told Barry.

"I think he's jealous," said Barry, and he began to massage her slower, in a more sensual manner. 

"I didn't know it was possible to give a smug massage," Suzy said, and she was smiling a bit in spite of herself.

"You want smug? I can give you smug."

Barry settled himself to be more comfortable, as if that was possible, and he rested her foot on his chest. 

He began to full on _caress_ her feet, and that was... okay, no, that was doing interesting things, and she was beginning to get... stupidly horny again.

"Are you okay?" He looked over at her, his expression concerned. "Or are you ticklish?"

"It's, uh... it's kinda turning me on. A lot," said Suzy, her cheeks turning pink. 

Fuck it. 

She was a grown woman. She could be honest about this stuff, right?

"Would you like to cum again?"

He asked her so damn casually. _Want to go to the movies? Want to get dinner? Want to cum again?_

"Yeah," Suzy said, shy.

"Would it be alright if I played with your feet a bit more intensely?"

"What kind of more intensely?"

"Could I suck on your toes? Maybe lick them?"

"I mean, uh... if you want to? Wouldn't they be kinda gross?"

Barry held her foot up to his face, and he sniffed theatrically.

Suzy giggled, from the goofy face he was pulling, and from the way the warm air and his beard tickled her. 

"I've smelled worse," he said.

"Do you go around smelling people's feet for the fun of it?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Well, no," said Barry, "but I do hang out with Arin."

"Arin's feet don't smell that badly," said Suzy, ever defensive of her husband.

"You've just been indoctrinated to it," said Barry, and he kissed the tip of her big toe.

"I don't think indoctrinated is the right word here," said Suzy. "Acclimated?"

"When you say that, I think of you getting, like, alien probed while having Arin's feet in your face, and that just... is not a thing."

"Do you like the idea of me being alien probed?" Suzy waggled her eyebrows, trying for flirty, not entirely sure if she was pulling it off. 

"I must admit, I'd rather do the probing myself," said Barry, his voice going deeper.

"So is this admitting that you're an alien?"

"I'm not an alien," Barry said. "But I do like probing."

"You're totally welcome to probe me," she told him.

"I'll get my probe," said Barry, deadpan.

And then his mouth was on her two middle toes, his tongue sliding between them, and he was _sucking_ , and that was enough to make her eyes roll back into her head, her toes curling in his mouth, her hands in her own hair, twisting it around and around her fists.

"Oh," Suzy said weakly, when he pulled back, and yeah, he looked smug.

Who knew you could look smug with someone's toes in your mouth?

Barry had somehow managed to achieve it.

"I want you to touch yourself while I suck on your toes," said Barry.

"What, right here?"

"You'd like to cum again, right?"

"Well, yeah," said Suzy. "That's... really intense. Why is it so intense?"

"Nerve maps," Barry said, and then he shrugged. "Possibly?"

"Bodies are weird," said Suzy. 

"They really are," said Barry. "But I'm not gonna complain too badly, when they can make you do this."

He sucked on her toes again, and she thrashed, his hands on her ankle.

He came up for air almost a minute later, and then he was looking at her with a... look, a new look, that made her already wet cunt drip more. 

"I want your hand on your pussy," he told her, and he shoved an extra glove at her. "Put this on, then get yourself off."

"Without penetration?"

"We both know that you can cum without penetration," said Barry. "Now get to it, hm?"

"Y-yes, sir," said Suzy, and she blew into the glove, so that she could shove her hand into it, then put her hand between her legs.

“Just like that,” said Barry, as she began to rub her clit with the tip of her finger.

It was… different from when she was grinding against his hand - she knew her own body better, and the fingertip accuracy was different from the blunt force. 

And then he was sucking on her toes some more, and she was humping into her own hand, her head thrown back, her foot resting on his shoulder and curling against his hair. 

“You know,” Barry said, when he had pulled himself free, and begun to kiss along her arch, “if it was allowed, I would be eating you out right now.” 

Suzy blushed, and she moaned again, louder. 

Fuck, the image of him with his face between her legs - his beard was longer and softer than Arin's, would it tickle her, or would it be more sensation?

“I'm gonna eat your pussy,” Barry told her, using that same matter of fact tone. “I'm gonna put my whole face in there, and I'm gonna eat you like it's a pie eating contest.”

“... pie eating contest? That's not sexy, Bar.”

Suzy had paused her rubbing, to giggle at him. 

He took her toes back in his mouth, and he sucked, hard enough that her hips jerked forward and she was boneless, but for that single finger, carefully stroking her clit. 

And then not so carefully, as he got sloppier, drooling, and he nibbled, then he bit. 

She came. 

She came in a burst of fluid and a shuddering of her thighs, soaking through her panties, leaking onto the puppy pad that Barry had put down. 

“Good girl,” said Barry, and something about that still didn't sit right with her, although she couldn't put her finger on it. 

She held out her gloved hand, which was shiny with arousal.

“Can I maybe take this off? And go pee?”

Barry laughed, his eyes crinkling up and his nose wrinkling. 

She was calm, she was relaxed. 

She was about done with getting hit for the moment, though. 

But first, she needed to pee. 

* * *  
They spent another two hours at the club.

It was kind of amazing, how social she was capable of being.

Maybe part of it was the endorphin high.

But at some point, she ended up sitting on Barry's lap, and his erection was pressed against her ass, and she was lolling back against him, now braless, her breasts soft and loose in her shirt, her hair sweaty on the back of her neck.

There was a lull, as Sparky went off to get tied up by Levi.

"Is that a flogger in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" 

Suzy ground back against Barry, and Barry moaned, his hands on her pockets.

"Oh god," Barry mumbled. "Fuck."

"Do you wanna?"

She squirmed, so that she was sitting santa style instead of with her back against his chest.

Now his cock was pressed against her thigh, through the denim of his pants.

"What, right now?"

"Not right now, right now," said Suzy. "You can't fuck me here. But if you... if you wanted to, say, go back to the car which is conveniently parked in a very dim parking lot, in a corner that nobody looks at...."

Barry raised an eyebrow, looking skeptical.

Suzy leaned down, and she kissed him. 

His cheek was in the palm of her hand, and his lips were soft, his beard ticklish, as she drowned in his lips, tasting his tongue, his hands moving to her hair.

"... let me get your shoes," said Barry, when they pulled apart.

* * * 

Suzy was kissing Barry in the back seat of a car.

There was something _so_ juvenile about it, except for the fact that she wasn't exactly afraid of the thing that was pressing against her pussy, through her panties, through his jeans.

"Are you absolutely sure?" Barry's voice was rough, his forehead against hers. "I mean... we could go back to my apartment."

"We're at a kink party," Suzy said, her voice teasing. "Let's do something kinky."

"If we get caught, it might not do much good for our reputation," Barry warned.

"I'm willing to take the risk," said Suzy.

Barry sighed, and he began to kiss her neck, going back to that one spot that he seemed so fond of, where her neck met her shoulder.

"Fuck," Barry said, "I don't even care. You're so... holy fuck." He ground up against her, harder. "Can I be in you? Please?"

"I thought you were the Dom," Suzy teased. "Shouldn't you be telling me that you're gonna fuck me?"

"I may be the Dom," said Barry, "but consent is important."

It felt a little ridiculous, having this conversation when she was straddling him with her tits falling out of her shirt, her skirt hiked up around her waist.

But it seemed to be a conversation that he wanted to be having, so they were having it. 

She couldn't see his face in the darkness, but when she felt for his cheek, she found it sweaty, almost dripping against her skin. 

"Fuck, Barry," Suzy mumbled. "Please. I want... I really want you to fuck me."

"You want to ride me?" He rolled his hips up, and she gasped, as his zipper pressed against her clit. "How bad?"

"So badly," Suzy whined, and she was actually whining, like some kind of wannabe virgin in the sleazier sort of porno.

"Take my dick out," Barry instructed her, as he scrabbled through his bag, which was on the floor in front of them. 

She unzipped him clumsily, then shoved her hand into his pants, squeezing him from root to tip.

It was damp, at the tip, and it was hot under her fingers, as she squeezed it, then began to pump it, gently. 

He swelled in her hand, and she tried to guess what it looked like.

There were veins under her fingers, and he was circumcised, which made sense, what with him being Jewish.

The head was a bit more prominent, and it was hot to the touch, flushed.

He moaned like he was in pain when she pumped him, his hips rocking up into her hand, fucking her fist. 

"You feel so good," he told her, breathless. 

He pressed his forehead against hers, and they were both sweating enough in the small space that her hair stuck to his forehead.

His breath was steamy against her face, and she wriggled against him, pressing closer, so that the lips of her pussy were flush against his shaft through her panties. 

"You feel so good," Barry said, as she rolled her hips against him, grinding. "I almost want to stay like this."

"Almost?"

"I want to be inside your hot little pussy more," said Barry, and that made Suzy shudder like she'd been shocked, her toes curling against Barry's thighs. 

"You think it'll be good?"

"I _know_ it'll be good," Barry told her, and now he was pushing her panties to the side, and the tip of his finger was skating across the seam of her pussy, then sliding between the lips, to gently dip into her.

Suzy sobbed, getting up on her knees, her hands on his shoulders as she gently rocked into him.

"You're so wet," he told her.

"It's almost like I've cum twice already," Suzy said, a laugh like a sob bubbling up and out of her throat.

Barry snorted, a puff of warm air against her throat, and then his free hand was pushing something small and foil wrapped into her hand.

"Can you deal with this? My hands are a bit busy at the moment."

He grabbed her ass and slid his fingers inside of her in the same motion, and she shuddered around him, sobbing. 

"Fuck," she managed to gasp out, and he was... he had thick fingers, and they were inside of her, and they were curling against her g-spot, and they were even better on the inside then on the outside, and she held on to his hair, tangling it in her fingers.

"Suze?"

"Mmm?"

"Condom."

"What?"

"If you don't put the condom on me, I'm going to take my fingers out of you," said Barry, and he began to slide them out of her.

"No, no, hold on," Suzy said quickly, and she let go of him, settling herself deeper onto his fingers, tearing open the condom packet and hurriedly getting oriented. 

She rolled it onto his cock, and he moaned while she did it, squeezing it in her hand, then carefully lining it up. 

He pulled his fingers out of her, and they were damp and slimy around her waist.

"Can I take your cock in me now? Please?"

"Yes," said Barry. "Yes, please, do it, please...."

And she sank down.

The head spread her open, and she lolled her head back, nearly hitting it on the ceiling of the car.

The shaft was long - it felt like an eternity - and then she had all of him inside of her, and he was filling her.

"Fuck," Barry breathed, and he kissed her, their sweat mingling, their tongues going from one mouth to another. 

She rolled her hips, and he held her in place, beginning to thrust up into her.

"You're so tight," he said, when they pulled apart, breathing against her lips. "Fuck, you're so... you feel so good Suzy, I can't believe... I...."

He lost his words, just thrusting up into her again, and she had one hand on the ceiling of the car to keep from hitting her head, because he was really bouncing her, and now his face was in her breasts, kissing along the swell of them, then taking her nipple into his mouth and sucking.

She groaned, and he gasped.

"Fuck," he said, and he did... something with his hips, which ground her clit against his belly, which made her whine, humping against him. "You get tighter when I do that." 

He grabbed her hand. 

"Rub your clit," he told her. 

“Again?” She put her hand between her legs, pressing her index finger against her clit, and okay, that was good, that was really good.

She spasmed around him, and he groaned like he was in pain.

“You’ve got more orgasms in you,” he told her.

“How do you know?” She was breathless, already getting closer. 

“Because I _say_ you do,” Barry growled, and holy fuck, that was… that was really hot, and he was getting thicker inside of her, he was swelling up.

“I want you to cum as soon as possible,” Barry told her, and he was staying still, completely still. 

It was like riding a dildo made of flesh.

Which was kinda what penises were made of in the first place, which got her giggling, then full on laughing.

“Oh my god,” Barry said, and he looked at her, confused but amused, his fingers going to cover hers, so that both of their hands were pressing down on her clit. 

“What’s wrong?” Suzy tried to quell her giggles.

“Every time you laugh, you squeeze me, and you’re about to cum, so… oh… fuck, Suzy,” Barry groaned, pressing his face into her neck, redoubling his efforts on her clit, which left her legs trembling.

“Do you want me to… stop,” Suzy mumbled, and yeah, she was still giggling. 

“No, fuck, don’t ever stop,” Barry said, and he was humping into her, just a little, as his thumb moved harder.

She came.

She didn’t really have a choice in it, did she?

She came, tightening around the lovely thick cock inside of her, and she wished she could see his face as she shuddered, then slumped forward.

He held on to her hips, and he thrust up into her, as deep as he could, until he was buried as deep inside of her as he could be.

He pulsed inside of her, and she clung to him, nuzzling at his neck, then kissing along his cheek, the hair of his beard sweaty against her lip. 

“Wow,” Barry mumbled, then - “You’re gonna have to get off.”

“I already did,” Suzy said, and she laughed. “Is this what being drunk is like?”

“Little bit,” said Barry, and he carefully pulled his cock out, one hand on the base of the condom to keep it from coming off.

He tied it in a ball and shoved it into the wrapper, then sagged back into the seat, opening his arms up. 

“Do you want me to cuddle you?”

“Please,” said Suzy, and she flopped forward.

He kissed her cheek.

She kissed his back.

“How was that? Did I do good?”

Suzy stared at him, her eyes wide, and she grinned and kissed him, a gentle peck on the lips. 

“You did great,” she told him.

Her stomach growled, and she realized that she was exhaustingly, ravenously hungry.

“... wanna get pancakes?” Barry smiled at her.

“That is, like, the best idea ever,” she told him.

“Although maybe we should clean up a bit first,” said Barry, indicating the wet spot on his pants, where she was leaking more slick out.

She blushed, and she nodded.

“Sounds like a plan.”

* * * 

She had pancakes. 

She’d make eye contact with him, and then she’d remember the feeling of his cock inside of her, and she’d blush, pressing her thighs together and squirming. 

Barry was eating a burger that was barely holding together - it seemed to be composed mainly of mushrooms and hope, with a few strings of cheese dripping out here and there. 

And when she was full of fruit and pancakes, he drove her home.

He kissed her before she got out of the car, and she was still tingling when she unlocked the door to say hi to the cats and take her shoes off.

She took a shower - she still smelled like the club, and she had sweat a good deal, as well as needing a bit of a rinse between the legs.

And then she was crawling into bed with Arin, and he was waking up enough to pull her closer to him like a teddy bear, and she was falling asleep next to him, cuddled up into the curve of his body.

* * *

“So you had fun last night?”

Arin was sitting up in bed, as Suzy got dressed the next morning.

“Yeah,” said Suzy. 

“You look it,” he said, and he was smiling, a bit awkwardly. “Was it, uh… was the sex good?”

“Why do you think we had sex?” 

“I remember that look on your face, from when we first started having sex.” Arin laughed. “I know when you’re excited to be fucking a new person.”

“It was good,” said Suzy. “So was the… you know, the BDSM bits.”

“I’m glad,” said Arin, and he sounded it. 

Nervous, yes, but also happy for her.

“So,” said Arin, “I’ve… that is, Dan invited me to stay over on Thursday. If that’s okay with you?”

“That’s okay,” said Suzy, although her stomach did a weird little somersault. 

“We’re gonna be okay,” said Arin, and he sounded slightly surprised. “I wasn’t… I didn’t think we’d be okay, but we will be, won’t we?”

“I think we will be,” said Suzy, and she went over to kiss him.

* * *

And… well, they were.

That was the weirdest part.

She slept at Barry’s.

Arin slept at Dan’s.

They had one extremely _weird_ double date, when all the craziness had died down.

Things went along normally, until it had been six months (somehow?) and they were just… living their lives.

Well, no, tell a lie, there was a good deal of excitement involved, for all parties.

Arin sucked cock for the first time, and was very excited about it. He took it up the ass as well, from someone who wasn’t Suzy, and Suzy resisted the urge to commiserate with Dan, since the guy always looked slightly guilty when he was around her.

She and Barry had a lot of sex, in new and exciting ways.

She tried a lot of kink.

She was tied up, she was beaten in novel ways, she was zapped with electricity, covered in paint and pie, she crawled on the floor like a dog and wore latex.

She found it all fun, and she found it all to be the thing that she needed, what she wanted. It filled whatever hole there was inside of her heart, at least somewhat.

Although something was missing. 

She’d have to figure out what it was.

But later. 

There was always so much to do _now_.

* * *

“Barry? I’m cold.” 

Suzy sprawled out on Barry’s bed, naked, her hair damp, wrapped in a blanket.

Barry sat down next to her, then flopped.

He was wearing pajama pants, no shirt, and his hair was wet as well. 

“We’ve got a conundrum there,” he told her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer.

His chest hair was soft and a bit ticklish against her back.

“Yeah?”

“Well, the obvious solution to not being cold is to be less naked,” said Barry.

His hand came around, and he held her breast in his hand, thumbing her nipple casually. 

“But it’d be a shame to have you be less naked.” He kissed along the back of her neck, and she shuddered, then went limp.

As if he hadn’t tied her up with a magic wand vibrator. 

As if her pussy wasn’t already sore and tender from who even knew how many orgasms, brought on by the unending buzzing.

“Y-yeah?”

“I mean, as your dominant, I suppose I could order you to be naked, like, all the time,” said Barry. 

Suzy snorted.

“If I was your dominant, I’d make you dress up,” she told him.

“If you were my dominant?” She felt Barry chuckle. “I don’t think you’ve got a dominant bone in your body.”

“Excuse me?” 

Suzy rolled over, regretfully losing his hand on her breast, but now they were face to face.

His chest hair was ticklish against her nipples. 

“I’m just saying,” Barry said, “you don’t really give off a dominant vibe.”

“I could totally be dominant,” said Suzy.

She’d never had an interest in it, honestly. 

There was something… boring about it. 

She spent her days bossing people around and managing other people. Why would she do it in her spare time?

But Barry was poking her competitive streak. 

“I don’t believe you,” Barry said, his tone teasing. 

“Oh yeah?” 

Suzy sat up fully, and she pushed on his chest.

Barry looked down at her hands, then he looked up at her face, and he raised an eyebrow.

She stood firm, looking him in the eye.

He was the one to look away first, and that was… interesting. 

Not exactly what she was expecting.

“Gimme your best shot,” said Barry, and he wasn’t holding eye contact anymore - it was clear he was blushing.

“Lie… lie on your back,” said Suzy.

“Or what?”

Barry was definitely making serious eye contact now, and giving her a Look. 

She gave one back, equally fierce, and he blushed harder.

“There is no “or what” in this scenario,” she told him. “You’re gonna lie on your back.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s what I want you to do.”

She shoved him, and he let himself be shoved, until he was flat on his back, his head twisted to the side so that he was staring at her, his eyes wide.

Wow.

This was… a rush.

An entirely different rush.

Her head certainly felt different.

She knew subspace by now - she’d gone under and into it enough times that she could recognize it.

This was… a bit similar? Only not.

Her thoughts were clear, her mind was sharp, and she could feel herself smiling, although she didn’t know what it was that she was smiling about. 

Did it actually matter? 

She got off of the bed, and she stood over him, aware that she was naked, aware that she should have been embarrassed, or flustered, or… something.

But this was Barry. 

How could she be embarrassed or flustered around Barry?

She’d thrown up on him (when he’d accidentally gotten her in the stomach with a police baton), she’d cried on him (who even knew how many times), she’d cum on his face. 

She was past the point of modesty, as it were. 

But now what was she going to do?

… crap.

He was looking… almost bored. He was beginning to grin, and his erection was flagging.

She sat on him.

More specifically, she sat on his stomach, above the waistband of his pajama pants.

He grunted in surprise, and he looked a little confused again.

“What are you doing?”

“I want to choke you,” said Suzy, and it was true - all of a sudden it was most definitely a thing she wanted, more than anything else.

“Yeah?” Barry licked his lips.”Do you know how to do that?”

“Of course I do,” said Suzy, trying to sound like she was in charge. 

She rested all of her weight on Barry’s chest, and his face turned a little bit red.

“Is this okay?” 

She paused, breaking through her dominant persona to stare down at him, genuine worry climbing up her throat. 

“Yeah,” said Barry. “I didn’t think it would be, but I… I really like it.”

“What do you want me to do next?”

“Keep doing what you were doing, please,” Barry said, his tone fervent.

“Oh yeah?” 

He nodded.

She moved further up, until her knees were pressing against his ears, and her ass was resting on his collarbone.

She could barely see him over the curve of her belly and her breasts.

“What do you want, Bar?”

“I want you to… to choke me,” said Barry, his voice thick.

“How?”

“You could… smother me,” said Barry.

“I thought you were afraid of that,” said Suzy. “You said you were afraid of being smothered, remember?”

“I know that,” said Barry, “but I want you to sit on my face right now. So badly.” 

“Covering your mouth?” 

“Yes, _please_!” 

His eyes were dark with arousal and desperate, and he was panting.

Her vulva was resting on his chin - the hair of his beard was ticklish against her labia.

“With what?”

“Anything.”

“What if I made you eat me out and held your nose shut?”

“Please!”

“Well,” said Suzy, “since you asked so nicely….”

She scooted closer, until his chin was against her perineum. 

And then she just sat down.

He gasped, and it was a puff of hot, moist air against her pussy, as she rolled her hips forward, more of his mouth pressing against her.

She moaned, her head tilting back, and she arched her back. 

“You feel good,” she told him. 

“Thank you,” he said, his voice muffled.

She pressed forward, getting comfortable, and she reached down, to press his nose closed.

She felt rather than heard his moan, vibrating up her clit, making her shudder, her hips rolling forward.

His hands were on her ass, and he was beginning to lick her now, long, broad strokes with his tongue, then his lips wrapping around her clit.

She whined, and she gasped, letting go of his nose when he patted her thigh.

She pinched his nose shut again, and began to really circle her hips, her toes curling against her thighs, beginning to bounce.

She was still so _sensitive_ , from all the pussy torture he’d subjected her to, and his licking was enough to make her tremble, as if a magic wand was being pressed against her.

The power rush was doing something to her as well. 

She wanted to hit his face.

She wanted to hit his cock, and that couldn’t be right, because that was the kind of thing you negotiated beforehand. 

But he was moaning under her, and when she glanced over her shoulder, she saw how hard he was, straining through the thin fabric of his pajama pants, the wet head leaving a dark patch in the light purple fabric.

She moaned, and he shuddered under him.

“You’re… doing good. Good boy. Such a good boy.” 

He was using his whole mouth now, his lips on her clit, then his tongue skating down to jab into her hole, then up again.

He was tapping on her thigh, and she let go of his nose, felt him gasp against her, and then she held his nose closed again, kept riding his face.

She was going to cum, and she didn’t know how she felt about it.

She started talking again. 

“I’m gonna cum on your face, I’m gonna… I’m so close, you’re doing a good job of making me cum, of making your mistress cum.”

No, mistress didn’t work.

“Of making your madam cum.”

No, that wasn’t it either.

“Of making your… of making the one on top of you cum.” 

That felt stilted too.

Huh.

But his licking got faster, and he was whimpering and moaning into her pussy, his face getting redder under her hands, under her weight, and this was a head rush like she’d never expected.

This was _nothing_ like having to be a manager, having to wrangle people, having to be in charge.

It was just her doing her own thing, her making him do her thing, and it was amazing, amazing on a level that she didn’t even know she wanted, that she maybe needed, except now she was cumming.

She was cumming in a spasm, and she let go of his nose to grab his hair, pulling him closer to her, full on humping his face and sobbing as she came and came and came, until she rested her full weight on him, and he stared up at her, entranced.

“What do you want?” 

Her voice was rough. 

It took her a minute to realize that he was trying to say something.

She pulled back.

“Please, can I… can I jerk off on your feet? Please?”

There was stickiness on his face, a few pubic hairs here and there, and he looked a bit like a glazed doughnut, which made it hard not to snicker.

“Beg me harder,” said Suzy, and she sat down on the bed, sprawled out, her legs in front of her.

She felt… powerful.

That was unexpected.

Somehow, all of this was unexpected.

She was a sub - that was her role, explicitly.

But somehow she was topping.

What did that mean?

“... Bar?” 

“Mmm?”

“Is this gonna cause a problem?”

Barry, still hard, got up on his elbows, looking over his belly and his erection. 

“Are you okay?”

Suzy was having feelings.

Feelings that were crawling up her throat like a rat, trying to clamor out of her mouth, and she was crying.

“Oh, sh, baby, no….”

Barry sat up, and he opened his arms up for her. 

She sat in his lap, leaning against him, her face into his neck, and she clung to him, still crying.

His face still smelled musky, like her arousal, and that just made her cry harder. 

She wanted him to be her Dominant, she liked him being her Dominant, and she didn’t want to even think about losing that, because it was a level of intimacy she didn’t even know she needed.

And Barry was rocking her, kissing her, making soothing noises, as she cried and cried, and she didn't know why.

* * * 

She cried for ten minutes.

She was painfully aware of how long she’d been crying, Barry’s bedside clock blinking at them. 

She pulled back, and she rubbed her nose, looking embarrassed.

“I’m sorry,” said Suzy, her nose snuffly. 

“Nothing to be sorry about,” said Barry, and he kissed her temple. 

“I shouldn’t have done… all of that,” said Suzy. “The dominant stuff.”

“I mean,” Barry, “I was enjoying it. If I hadn’t been enjoying it, I would have told you that it was a problem.”

“But… I don’t wanna lose… you know, us being… you and me.” She sighed. “I don’t want us to lose our being in our kind of relationship. The D/s stuff. I mean, if I’m gonna be… like if I’m a dominant or something, wouldn’t that make me some kind of dominatrix? I don’t want to be a dominatrix,I just want to be myself, I like bottoming….”

“You do know being a switch is an option.” 

“... what?”

Suzy looked at him, her eyes still red.

“A switch. You don’t have to be one or the other,” said Barry. “If you want to Top me sometimes… I think I’d be okay.” 

“Yeah?” She wiped her nose on the back of her hand. “But what if… what if _I’m_ not okay with it?”

“Then we don’t have to do anything,” said Barry, in a soothing tone of voice. “It’s okay. I promise.” 

“Okay,” said Suzy, and she sighed.

Then she glanced down. 

“You’re still hard,” she said quietly. 

“Yeah,” said Barry. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” said Suzy. “Do you, uh… do you want me to do anything about it?”

“It’d be nice if you did,” said Barry, “but if you don’t, that’s also okay.”

“Can I suck your cock?”

“Only if you want to,” said Barry. “You’re allowed to be sad or confused and not wanting to do anything sexy. I promise.”

“I don’t know what I am,” she said. 

“Well,” said Barry, “we all feel like that sometimes.”

“Really?” She cuddled up. “Are you feeling… like, confused?”

Barry shrugged. 

“I mean,” said Suzy, “you thought you were a Top, right? A dominant.”

“I did too,” said Barry. “But I also didn’t really see myself as someone who’d get together with a woman as beautiful as you are, or to be able to make a living playing video games. So I guess I’m kinda… just rolling with the punches.”

“Rolling with the punches?” 

“Yeah.”

“Would you want me to punch you?”

“That sounds like it could be a lot of fun,” said Barry, and he laughed- he sounded a little bit on the edge of hysterical as well. “I don’t know if I can take that kinda pain. I’m not entirely up into… the whole pain thing.”

“But for now I’m gonna suck your cock. We know you like that, right?”

“We do indeed,” said Barry, and he laughed. “But what’s the point of life, if not to learn new stuff?”

“Yeah,” said Suzy, and she slid down onto the floor, putting her hands on his inner thighs. 

She kissed along his shaft, through his pajama pants. 

He moaned, one hand on the top of her head.

“Do you like this?”

“I like this,” said Barry.

“Do you want me to suck your cock?”

“I’d very much like you to suck my cock,” said Barry, and he tugged gently on her hair. 

“I’m sorry I jumped from one end of the… spectrum to the other.”

“It’s okay,” said Barry. 

He moaned, as she pulled his cock out, and she wrapped her lips around the head of it, and she just… sucked, sinking down on him, inch by inch. 

“Oh, good girl, holy shit….”

And something _else_ pinged in her head. 

Goddamn it.

“Could you not say it?”

“Say what?”

“Just… don’t call me good girl? Please?”

“Of course,” said Barry. “Has it been bothering you the whole time?”

“No,” said Suzy. “I mean… maybe? I dunno.”

She sighed, and he shuddered, as a huff of warm air passed across his penis. 

“What would you like better?”

“Um,” said Suzy. 

“Um?”

“I… don’t know,” said Suzy, and she flopped back onto her ass, staring up at him with her eyes wide. “I’m getting it all wrong.”

“What’re you getting wrong?” Barry rested his elbows on his thighs, staring down at her thoughtfully. 

“I don’t know,” said Suzy, and she sighed, resting her face on his knee. “I need… I don’t know.”

“Well,” said Barry, “why don’t you come sit up here with me, and we can try to figure out whatever it is?”

“But I was gonna give you a blowjob,” Suzy said, indicating Barry’s dick, which was starting to go down.

“I’m not gonna die of blue balls,” said Barry. “That’s just a myth.”

He wrapped his arm around her, and he pulled her closer, kissing her temple. 

“I’m messing it all up,” she mumbled. 

“You’re not.” Barry ruffled her hair. “You’re… you’re not just my submissive. You’re my girlfriend. I mean… I think you’re my girlfriend. Or am I overstepping?”

“I’m... .” 

She didn’t know why that was all of a sudden setting off some kind of anxiety ball in her stomach. 

“You’re my boyfriend,” said Suzy, finally. 

Barry’s smile lit up, and he didn’t even pay attention to her little correction.

* * *

A few days later, Suzy sat at her desk in the Grump office, and she nibbled on her lip.

She had been avoiding all of the gender… stuff, because, well… she had so much other fun stuff going on in her life.

Why worry about the fact that being called a girl lately made her skin crawl, when she could get flogged, or cupped, or stuck full of pins?

But it was beginning to get more intense.

Maybe it was the fault of the kink scene - she’d met a bunch of people who were trans, who were nonbinary, who didn’t have a gender, or whose gender was something that she’d never heard of.

So maybe that had planted the idea in her head.

But that couldn’t be right, could it?

She had been comfortable with being a woman her whole life. Why change now, when she was in her mid twenties? 

Didn’t people know this stuff by the time they were her age?

Suzy groaned, covering her face with both hands.

Maybe she’d just have to… consider what being a woman actually _meant_. 

Maybe she was just approaching it from the wrong angle or something.

She picked up her phone, and fired off a text.

_Holly - wanna go get dinner some time next week?_

Her phone buzzed a few minutes later.

_Sounds like a plan!_

* * * 

“Are you going on a date with Holly?” Arin looked slightly intrigued, sprawled out on the couch as he noodled around on his tablet. 

“Not a date-date. We just haven’t, you know, hung out in a while.”

“You’ve been pretty busy with all the kink stuff and whatnot,” said Arin. 

Suzy nodded, tried not to bristle.

He wasn’t needling her. 

He wasn’t complaining about it, she was just… anxious about it still.

He was spending most of his time with Dan these days, having who even knew what kinda sex, and since he’d started on that, he hadn’t been as weird about her doing kinky stuff with Barry. 

“I wouldn’t mind if you were dating Holly,” Arin said, in what appeared to be some kind of olive branch.

“I think one boyfriend and one husband is enough for me,” said Suzy.

“So he’s your boyfriend now, huh?” Arin raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” said Suzy. “I mean, we go on dates -”

“I thought you were going to kink stuff,” Arin interrupted.

“Well, yeah, but those are sometimes dates.”

“What makes some of them dates and other ones not?”

“I don’t know,” Suzy said, and she bit back an angry reply. “But yeah. We’re dating. He’s my boyfriend.”

“I guess that makes sense,” said Arin. “What with you guys not really using condoms and whatnot anymore.”

“You don’t really use them with Dan,” Suzy pointed out, flopping on the couch next to Arin.

“Yeah,” said Arin, and he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her closer, so that her head was on his chest. “But that’s a bit different.”

“How is it different?”

“I can’t get knocked up,” said Arin.

“I can’t either,” Suzy pointed out. “What with the IUD.”

“Well, yeah, but still.”

Suzy shrugged.

“I’m sorry,” said Arin. “It’s just… everything has changed so much, so quickly.”

“It’s been almost six months,” Suzy said.

She closed her eyes, taking comfort in the rise and fall of his chest, and the way his hand was rubbing her back.

“Yeah, but I figured that when we did the whole “open relationship” thing, we’d end up, like, having the occasional threesome, then moving towards being a triad or a throuple or whatever the term is.”

Suzy nodded.

“But then again,” Arin said, in a thoughtful tone of voice, “I’m happy, for the most part, and you’re happy, for the most part. Because you’ll always be my Suzy, and I’ll always be your Arin.”

Suzy nodded, although a knot of worry was beginning to form in her gut.

She needed to figure this stuff out.

She couldn’t let it ruin her marriage.

The doorbell rang, and she sat up, kissing him. 

“Okay! See ya later, honey!” 

“I might go out to Dan’s, depending on when he gets done with his thing,” said Arin.

“Okay,” said Suzy, and she leaned down to kiss him. “Have a good time!” 

* * *

Holly was as lovely as ever.

“So what’s the problem?”

They were sitting in Holly’s favorite coffee shop, sweet drinks in front of both of them. 

“Why do you think there’s a problem?” 

Suzy had made herself up pretty, femming it up something fierce.

She’d never even thought of it that way before - of being femme as a thing that you _did_ , not a thing that you were. 

But it was a thing she did now. 

Or at least, it was a way she thought about these things.

She missed the old days when it was simpler, and she just… did it.

“How do you know you’re a woman?” 

… welp.

She could have done that a little better.

“... um,” said Holly.

“Well, I mean, you’re pansexual, right?” 

Holly nodded.

“So you… get other genders.”

“I’m capable of being attracted to other genders,” said Holly. “I don’t necessarily… understand all the ups and downs of gender.”

“Well, okay,” said Suzy. “But how do you know that you’re a woman? Other than, like, body parts, because those can be changed, and I don’t think most people have done a chromosome test or anything like that.”

“I just… know,” said Holly, and she sighed, her expression thoughtful. “I… being referred to as a woman is comfortable. Wearing women’s clothes and makeup and whatnot feels right. When I think of myself, I’m a woman.”

“... wait, women’s clothes, are, like… natural? Right?”

“... they’re not for you?”

Holly looked genuinely baffled.

“Well, no,” said Suzy, and she caught Holly’s startled expression. “What?”

“You’re one of the most feminine people I know,” said Holly. 

“Well, yeah,” said Suzy. “Because it all feels so… fake, I needed to get my practice, to make sure I got it right.”

“So you’re so hyper feminine because… you don’t feel like a woman?”

“I mean, I didn’t really have a way of describing it as “not feeling like a woman,”” said Suzy. “I just figured that was kinda… I figured everyone just felt kind of uncomfortable with it all.” She cleared her throat, looking away. “Puberty was… an adjustment. But I knew if I didn’t… well, perform it right, I guess, I knew that if I didn't do that, then I’d get in trouble.”

“What, like, punished?”

“Not punished-punished, but I knew people who were….” Suzy made vague hand motions, and she sighed. “I was weird, as a kid.”

Holly nodded.

“I can relate.”

“I was weird, and I didn’t want to be… more weird,” you know? I wanted to fit in, I wanted friends. I wanted people to care about me, and I didn’t have words for it at the time, it just got kinda….” 

She made a frustrated noise, and put her face in her hands. 

“I’m sorry,” she told Holly. “I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you.”

“I mean,” said Holly, “what are friends for?”

Suzy snorted.

“So… maybe I’m not a woman,” she said, and she stared at her hands.

She’d painted her nails, black and silver.

Did that mean she was really a woman and she was just making it up? 

She bit back a sob, because this was too much.

A week ago, she was a female submissive with a boyfriend and a husband and very clearly well known role. 

And now she didn’t. 

So what she going to do?

“Are you okay?” Holly put a hand on Suzy’s shoulder, squeezing.

Suzy began to cry, loud, awkward sobs, and they were probably getting looks from other people, and her makeup was starting to run, her nose was dripping, her arms wrapped around herself.

She wanted Arin.

She wanted Barry.

She wanted to be held and told that it was all going to be alright.

“You know,” Holly said, her tone cautious, “I’ve done some… cross play. If you wanted to try doing some gender stuff… I could help you.”

“What, really?” She looked at Holly, well aware there was mascara going down her cheeks.

“Oh, totally,” said Holly, and she smiled. “I’ve got plenty of experience with that stuff.” 

“What, really?”

“Yeah,” said Holly. “I do theatrical makeup. I’ve done crossdressing stuff for cosplay.” 

“Huh,” said Suzy. “I’ve never… thought of that.”

“Well,” said Holly, “I’m always ready to help you, okay?” She squeezed Suzy’s hand. 

“Thank you,” said Suzy, and she was having… genuine feelings. 

Which were coming out of her face.

Goddamn it. 

Suzy sighed, rested her chin in her hands, and looked at Holly.

Holly looked back, her expression compassionate but a bit confused.

“How would you feel about getting some pancakes?”

“Pancakes?”

“Sure,” said Suzy. “I know a place.”

* * * 

They had pancakes. 

They went their separate ways, and Suzy came home to an empty house.

There was a little note from Arin - _Dan wanted some company, I’ll call you if I stay the night._

Suzy made a face.

And then she eyed her phone. 

Hmm….

* * * 

_You free, Bar?_

_Just took my pants off_

_Does that mean yes or no?_

_If you’d like some company I’d prefer you came here_

_Fair enough!_

* * * 

She fired off a text to Arin, fed the cats, and went to Barry’s house.

He answered the door in his boxers, and he smiled at her. 

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” said Suzy, and she sighed, and let herself be cuddled up to him, on the couch, her feet on the coffee table next to his.

He had big feet. 

Her feet… not so much.

She kissed his temple. 

“You okay, babe?”

“I’m okay,” said Suzy, and she wiped her nose. 

It was dripping a bit already.

“Remember when… remember when a couple of nights ago, we had a whole thing where you asked if I was your girlfriend, and I said that you were my boyfriend?”

He was smiling against her temple - she could feel it, amongst the bristles of his beard.

“Yeah?”

“... Barry, how straight are you?”

He paused, long enough that her heart was in her throat. 

“I mean… I don’t want to ever assume that things won’t happen,” he said. “I can imagine myself falling in love with a man, maybe.”

“Or… anyone else?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Well,” said Suzy, “what if… what if someone you were with thought they were one type of person, but ended up being a different type of person.”

“We did start out the relationship in one flavor of D/s, and ended up being on a… different sort of dynamic,” said Barry.

“We haven’t really decided on that,” said Suzy. 

“No, but it’s… a thing that I’d like to do,” said Barry. “I mean, if you were comfortable with it.”

“What if… what if you were dating someone and they weren’t sure what their gender was?”

“I’d support them no matter what,” he said. “Because they’re my partner and I… and I care about them, regardless.” 

“Yeah?” Her hands were shaking. “What if… what if they don’t know?”

“Well,” said Barry, “I’ll be right here.”

“You’re not gonna do it in the creepy ET voice?”

“I feel like that might ruin the moment.”

Suzy snorted, and cuddled up.

* * * 

Arin sent her a sleepy video message, and she had to smile.

“Hey Suze,” he said into the camera. He was clearly sitting in the bathroom of Dan’s house. “I was just thinking… I love you. A lot. A lot a lot. And we’ve both been so caught up in all of this stuff, so it kinda helps to remind ourselves that.” 

She smiled, one hand over her mouth.

She sent him back a silly little message.

“I love you too, baby. Let’s have a you and me night, this week.”

_Sounds good_ , came the text message. 

* * * 

“Hey, Suzy?” 

“Hmm?”

It was the next morning.

“Would you want to, um… that is, would you wanna borrow some clothes?” Barry was standing in his underwear staring into his closet.

“What?”

“Well,” said Barry, and he cleared his throat, “I’ve got some shirts that I’m thinking of getting rid of - they’re too… soft.”

“Soft?” She gave him a confused look. 

“I like my flannel to feel more like… you know, flannel. These are too soft.”

He tossed a green flannel shirt to her, and she put it on. 

It was… comfortable. 

It was soft. 

She tried to button it, and it almost fit over her breasts, without doing that annoying… thing that shirts usually did.

She sighed, undid two buttons, and it fit perfectly. 

“It suits you,” said Barry, and he kissed her. 

“You think?” 

“Totally,” said Barry, and he kissed her again.

“I should head back home,” said Suzy. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Suzy pressed her forehead against Barry’s and she rubbed noses with him. “Do you want to… you know, have a scene? With me Topping?”

“If you’d be comfortable with it,” said Barry. “What kind of scene?”

“Well,” said Suzy, looking down. “Since I’m kind of… experimenting with clothes, you know, I thought maybe you could try it too.” 

“Try what?”

“Experimenting with clothes. Wearing… my clothes.”

“Oh,” said Barry. “Huh.” 

“Sorry,” said Suzy, looking away. “It was a dumb idea.”

“No, no, it’s a great idea,” said Barry quickly. “I just gotta… figure out the look I want. Since you’ve got so many different clothes, you know?” 

“You could let me choose,” Suzy suggested, her tone nervous.

“Yeah, that could be fun.”

Suzy kissed him. 

“I gotta get going now,” she said, making no move to do so.

“You do,” said Barry, and he patted her on the hip.

* * * 

She showed up at her house, wrapped in Barry’s shirt, arguing in circles within the confines of her head, and she found Arin in the kitchen, barefoot, shirtless, drinking a glass of orange juice.

“Trying out the boyfriend look, huh?”

Something in Suzy just… cracked.

Cracked like an egg, dropped from a height. 

Her whole face crumpled, and then she was crying.

She was _ugly_ crying, snot running down her chin, tears dripping along her cheeks as well, to make their itchy way down her neck.

“Suze? Baby?” 

Arin all but ran over, and he wrapped his arms around her, his hand on the back of her head, pressing her face into his bare chest.

She cried harder, clinging to him. 

She was going to lose him if she told him - but she couldn’t keep something like this from her, this was something important she had to share. 

_Fuck_.

“Arin, I… I haven’t been honest with you,” she stuttered out, between sobs.

He froze, but then he held on a bit tighter, his other hand on her lower back.

“What’s going on, sweetheart?”

“I’ve been having there… feelings. About myself.” She shuddered, clinging closer. “Like… like I was one way when I met you, and now I’m not, and I know we’re supposed to be together no matter what, but it all feels so… I’m afraid that….”

She was crying harder, great, ugly sobs, right into his chest, getting snot and tears and sweat all over him.

He held her, rocking slightly, making soothing noises. 

“Just let it out,” said Arin. “It’s okay.”

“I don’t think I’m a woman,’ Suzy blurted out, making eye contact, then crying harder.

Arin looked a bit stunned.

“You think you’re a boy?” 

“I don’t _know_ , so maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m just faking it, but it’s just felt so uncomfortable, and it always has, and I never got it, I thought that was normal, only apparently it’s not, and I’m scared because-”

“Suzy,” Arin said, slowly and carefully, cupping her face with his big hands, “it’s okay.” He kissed her forehead. “I love you. No matter what. If you want to be a woman, you can be a woman. If you want to… you know, go on hormones, or get a new name, or whatever, I’m behind you, one hundred percent. If you’ll still have me - if you want a husband after all of this -”

“Of course I want a husband,” said Suzy, and she was laughing between her crying. “I wanna… I don’t know what I want.”

“Well,” said Arin, “I’ve got your back. No matter what. If you wanna share with me, I’d be honored. If you want to do it on your own, that’s okay too.”

She kept crying into his chest, and it was… relief, sort of, or something else. She didn’t know. 

He kept holding her, kissing the top of her head a few times, rubbing her back, 

When she finally calmed down, she leaned back, looking him in the face and rubbing her nose.

“Are we… are we okay?”

“We’re okay.”

Suzy sighed, pressing her hot, swollen face into his equally warm neck. 

“I’m sorry,” Suzy mumbled. 

“Don’t be,” said Arin. “Hell, I thought I was straight when I met you, and now look at where we are.”

She snuffled awkwardly. 

“I guess you’re right,” she said. 

“We started out monogamous. And you, know, teenagers.”

“What’s us being teenagers have to do with?” 

She rubbed her eyes, which were still damp.

“We started out one way. We’re this way now. It’s okay.”

Suzy sighed, and she leaned against him. 

“I’m trying to remember that,” she said. 

* * * 

“Let’s go shopping,” Arin said, three days later.

“Shopping?”

“Shopping.” Arin leaned back in his chair. “Barry is busy this weekend, and we were gonna do a thing, so I thought that maybe we could… go shopping. For stuff. What kinda stuff would you want to get?”

“I’m a bit lost.”

“Guy stuff.”

“... what?”

“Most of your clothes are women’s clothes. You’ve been wearing Barry’s shirt every day, and you need some other shirts.”

“I could argue that they’re not women’s clothes, since I don’t think that I’m a woman….” 

Arin gave her a Look.

“Okay, okay,” Suzy said, and she held her hands up in defense.

“Let’s go shopping over the weekend.” 

“Okay.”

* * * 

Suzy stood in a dressing room, and she stared at herself, and she tried not to panic.

She was wearing a man’s button down shirt, and a pair of men’s pants.

She looked ridiculous.

She was… it all looked wrong.

Was she even a “she” anymore? It felt wrong to refer to herself that way, but nothing _else_ felt right either.

Was she jumping into this too quickly? Was there a way that she was supposed to do this?

“Suze?” Arin’s voice came from outside. “Are you okay?”

“I look dumb,” she told him.

“You can’t look stupid - you’re great at clothes and stuff like that,” said Arin.

“Yeah, but, like….” She huffed out a sigh. “I know how to dress all… feminine. I don’t know how to make myself look good while looking masculine. And I don’t know how to dress myself masculinely, just other people who are… well, you know, actually masculine. I’m not that masculine.”

“You can be whatever you want to be,” Arin said through the fitting room door. “Do you need help?”

Suzy sighed. 

“Can you come in here and tell me what I’m doing wrong?”

“Sure, hold on.”

* * * 

Arin looked at her, wearing a thoughtful expression.

“I think… maybe don’t wear button downs?”

“All the other… gender nonconforming people that I see all wear stuff like bow ties and suspenders and button downs,” said Suzy.

“Well, you don’t have to be like all of them,” pointed out Arin, wrapping his arms around her middle, resting his chin on her shoulder. “I think you’re overthinking it because it’s about yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

She leaned back against him, and she sighed.

“You’re only seeing yourself as yourself, since that’s what you’re used to. I think you look pretty butch!”

“I don’t wanna cut my hair,” Suzy burst out, although she wasn’t sure where that came from. “Does that mean I’m not dedicated enough?”

Arin turned her around, pressing his forehead against hers and staring deeply (and slightly cross eyed) into her eyes.

“Baby,” he told her, slowly, “there is no wrong way to do all of this stuff, as long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else. Okay?”

“Okay,” she said thickly. 

She wasn’t going to start crying. 

She _wasn’t_.

“So imagine you had another friend who was in your place. How would you recommend they dress?”

“I’d suggest… I’d suggest that they layer,” Suzy said slowly. “If they don’t have a binder. And also because it’d offset their hips.”

“There you go,” said Arin. “What else?”

She rattled off more stuff, and then she sighed, pressing her face into Arin’s chest, holding on to his shirt with two fingers.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess about all of this,” she mumbled.

“Oh no,” Arin said, deadpan. “You’re making a major life change and realizing a shift in identity. God fuckin’ forbid that you have strong and mixed emotions about it.”

“Shut up with your logic,” Suzy mumbled, but she was giggling in spite of herself. 

“How about… how about we get you some nice nerdy t-shirts. The dapper look isn’t entirely you. I mean, it could be you, but I don’t think it’s entirely you.” 

“You think so?”

“Totally.”

She wiped her eyes, and she stepped back.

“Thank you,” she told him.

“For what?” He looked puzzled.

“For being so… everything,” she said.

“Of course,” said Arin. “You’re my wife. Or my husband. Or my spouse. Whatever. You’re married to me. I love you. How could I not be supportive?”

She shrugged.

“I’m gonna get out of here before they think we’re fucking,” said Arin, and he kissed the top of her head, then slipped out.

* * *

She bought geeky t-shirts.

There were more available, in the “Unisex” cut, which wasn’t exactly a surprise. 

They fit her alright, which was a bit of a surprise - she’d been wearing women’s clothes for a long time, and it took getting used to, when stuff wasn’t quite so… fitted.

But she had… if they weren’t men’s clothes, then they weren’t women’s clothes.

They were her clothes.

Arin cleared his throat, looking a bit uncomfortable, but otherwise game, as they climbed into the car.

“There’s, um… there’s a store. A sex toy store. But it doesn’t just sell sex toys. It has… gender stuff.”

“What kinda gender stuff?”

“Binders. Packers. Stuff like that.”

“Where’d you learn about all of that?”

“I did some research,” Arin said, slightly defensive. 

“I’m sorry,” Suzy said, and she meant it. “I didn’t mean to imply you wouldn’t.”

“It’s fine,” said Arin, and he squeezed her fingers. “So you wanna check it out?”

“... sure,” said Suzy. “Might as well.”

* * * 

The store was a single story, and it was very spread out.

There were low tables, showing everything from floggers to dildos to weird vibrators to different types of fetish gear.

They did indeed have “gender expression,” as the sign said. 

There were soft packers - flaccid silicone cocks. There were flesh colored dildos. There were binders, harnesses. 

Suzy’s stomach seized up, and she clutched harder at Arin’s hand. 

The salesperson smiled at her. 

“Hi,” they said, “my name is Rachel, what can I do for you?”

“I’m looking for… gender… stuff,” Suzy stuttered out.

Shit. 

What if one of her fans saw her here, or something?

She glanced at the floggers on the table as they walked past, towards the gender expression table, and she tried not to wrinkle her nose.

They weren’t very good floggers - the leather on the handles was glued on, not stitched.

“So what are you looking for, specifically?”

“A binder,” Suzy said. “And… a soft packer. And maybe a hard packer.”

“Can I recommend this one?” Rachel picked up a dildo. 

It was beige, with a pinkish cast.

But Suzy’s eyes had fallen on something else.

“What about… that one?”

It was a rainbow dildo. 

It had balls, it even had a suction cup at one end.

“That’s not… entirely a hard packer,” said Rachel. “I’m honestly not sure why it’s on this table. But it is harness compatible!”

“I’ll take that one,” Suzy said, before her brain could catch up with her mouth.

“I’ll leave it for you at the register,” Rachel said, and she smiled at Suzy. 

Suzy smiled back, nervously. 

This felt… wrong, like someone was going to come out of the blue and shout at her for doing it wrong, for not being _really_ gender… something or other, whatever it was that she was.

Or wasn’t.

Maybe she was just some woman who was trying to fetishize the trans experience or something like that?

She bit her lip, trying to keep her thoughts from chasing each other in desperate circles, and she followed after Rachel as the salesperson wandered through the store, idly pointing out this or that.

* * * 

She bought a binder.

She bought a binder, and she bought a harness, and the rainbow strap on, and a soft packer, although she wasn’t sure if she actually wanted it or not.

Something about handling it made her… panicky, anxious, like she was going to get yelled at for doing something wrong.

But fuck it.

Nobody was grading her or judging her, and so far the only people who really knew about this stuff were Barry, Arin, and Holly, and none of them would judge her. 

So she paid, and she took the bags, and she thanked Rachel, and she went back to the car with Arin.

* * * 

She wore the binder, while doing errands, the next day.

She wore the binder, and she wore one of the big shirts that she had bought.

She did look flat chested, which was… interesting, although she wasn’t sure if she liked it or not.

It was still her face peering back at her from the mirror, and she had been hoping for a different face.

She went to a different grocery store, and she kept her head down, her hair tucked up into her hat.

The grocery store clerk gave her an odd look, and didn’t call her sir or ma’am, which was… interesting.

She liked that.

* * *  
_How are you, Suze?_

_What if people just didn’t put gender into stuff?_

_What’s up?_

Suzy glanced at her phone - Barry was texting back, after who knew how long.

They’d both been busy for the past week. 

She was still wearing the binder, although she wasn’t sure if she liked it or not.

It was… well, uncomfortable. Incredibly uncomfortable.

It squeezed, it compressed, and it didn’t feel like it was doing much good.

But fuck it. 

She was going to try all of this.

She was still clinging to “she”, for whatever reason. 

It was comfortable.

She wanted to keep her hair long as well. 

_It makes it easier_ , Barry texted her.

Suzy jumped, surprised by the buzzing.

_I guess? I don’t know_

_It’s kinda like… a lot of people, the first thing you notice is their gender. You don’t even notice that you’re noticing, if that makes sense_

_Yeah, it makes sense_

_But it’d be a better idea to start getting out of that mindset, I think_

_I know we were planning on me Topping, but could I maybe Bottom next time?_

_Sure! Do you have a particular scene in mind?_

She typed out a long response, sent it, and then blushed, putting her phone on the arm of the couch and sinking down into it.

She got a response a few minutes later. 

_Sounds good! ; )_

The little emoji was just enough to make her want to die of cuteness, just a little bit.

* * * 

She arrived at Barry’s house that weekend wearing her new masculine clothes.

It was hard to think of them as masculine - she didn’t feel masculine when she wore them. She honestly just felt kind of silly.

In a way, it reminded her of when she was a pre-teen, beginning to try on makeup, wearing things like stockings. 

It was all… awkward. 

Uncomfortable. 

Her skin didn’t fit, but she was beginning to suspect that it never really had, exactly.

Barry opened his front door, which saved her from further wool gathering. 

“Whoa,” said Barry, and he looked genuinely surprised for a minute.

There was a flash of triumph - she _was_ doing something right! - but also anxiety, crawling up her throat. 

“I’m not used to you with short hair,” Barry told her.

“It’s not really short,” Suzy said, and she cleared her throat. “I just, um, I just put it under my hat.”

“It’s a nice hat,” said Barry. 

“Thanks,” said Suzy. “A friend crocheted it for me.”

It was black, with little kitty ears. 

“Would you like to come in?”

“Oh! Right.”

Suzy stepped in, and she shoved her hands into the pockets of her cargo shorts, shifting from foot to foot. 

“I’d like to kiss you,” said Barry. “If that’s okay?”

“Of course it’s okay,” said Suzy. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

Barry shrugged, and he put his hands on her shoulders. 

She leaned forward, and she kissed him.

* * * 

It had been weird, getting ready for this date and not wearing any makeup.

There was no lipstick, when she pulled back and looked at Barry’s face.

She was… naked without it, but at the same time, she’d been just about every kind of naked that was possible in front of Barry.

He’d had his face in just about every part of her, they’d even tried a bit of medical play, and he’d used a speculum and had a look under the hood, as it were.

So why was she so shy all of a sudden?

“Hey,” said Barry, and he cupped her cheeks. “What do you want to be called?”

“Called?”

“Well,” said Barry, “I was wondering if you’d want to try being a boy, for this scene?”

“... huh,” said Suzy.

Truth be told, she had been fixating on who she _was_ that the idea of trying to be something else - even if it was just for a scene - was… alien.

She was pretty sure she wasn’t a boy.

But she was willing to try it, if just for a scene.

“Okay,” said Suzy.

“Do you have a particular tone you’d like?” Barry pressed his forehead against hers, and his voice was practically vibrating through her.

“No,” Suzy said. “I’m sorry - I’m not bringing much to this.”

“You’re just bringing your lovely self,” Barry said, his voice a bit goofy.

Suzy blushed.

“Are you my sweet boy?” Barry’s voice was soft, and it was… it was sweet. It twined around her mind like a friendly cat, and it made her knees weak.

“If you want me to be,” Suzy said quietly.

“Of course I do,” said Barry, and he took her hands, squeezing them. “Kiss me, sweet boy.”

She kissed him.

* * * 

Barry tasted like himself, and his facial hair was ticklish against her face. 

What would it be like, to have her own facial hair? 

It was… an interesting consideration, that she honestly hadn’t thought of. 

She let herself be led to the bedroom, and then she looked up at him.

“I’m not gonna hit you tonight,” he told her. “Or at least, not right now. You can do whatever you want.”

Then Barry paused, and there was a break in his Dom persona.

“What do you want me to call you?”

“Mo,” Suzy said, because she couldn’t think of anything else that would suit her, and it came to her head. 

“What do you want, Mo?” Barry’s hand went to the top of her head, gently forcing her to sit down on the bed.

“I want… I want to make you feel happy, Sir,” said Suzy.

“How?”

‘However you want me to, Sir.”

“Well,” said Barry, ‘how about you get on your knees for me, Mo?”

“Yes, sir,” said Suzy, and she suited actions to words, dropping to her knees, her hands on Barry’s hips. 

She was careful as she unbuckled his pants, pushing them down around his knees, letting them fall down around his ankles.

She leaned in closer, and she nuzzled at his penis through his boxers.

Barry moaned, his hands going to the top of her head, and that knocked her hat off - it went tumbling down, and her hair, which was pinned up, wobbled, then went lopsided.

Suzy sighed, resisting the urge to try to glare up at her own head.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Barry said, his voice quiet, “there are a lot of guys with long hair.”

“I like having long hair,” said Suzy. “I just… I don’t like that people think I’m a certain way because of it.”

“You can be a boy with long hair, or a… person with long hair, if you’d like to be.” Barry patted her head. “I mean, your husband has more hair than I do!”

“Not on his body,” Suzy said, sitting back and beginning to pull the pins out of her hair.

It tumbled down around her shoulders, and she tucked one piece behind her ear, self conscious.

Barry gathered it in his hand in a ponytail, and he gave it a firm yank, just the way she liked it.

Suzy moaned, and she kissed the head of his cock through his boxers, then clumsily wrapped her lips around it, sucking it gently. 

His hips rocked forward, and he moaned.

“Good… boy,” Barry mumbled, and then he chuckled. “First time I’ve said that,” he added, breathless.

“Sorry?” Suzy licked her lips. “If this is too weird -”

“It’s not too weird,” Barry cut in. “It’s a new thing, so it’s kinda weird, but we’ll be okay.”

“Right,” said Suzy. “Do you want me to… continue?”

“Yes, please,” said Barry, and he rested his hand on the top of her head.

It was a lot like all the other blowjobs she’d given him - his fingers in her hair, her mouthing at his cock through his boxers, then sliding it out of the slit in the front, to wrap her hand around the shaft of it.

But she was… well, she was having trouble breathing, because of the binder, in this position like this. 

She opened her mouth wider, and she took his cock into her mouth and sucked on it, wriggling her tongue along his slit, then moving lower, letting his cock fall out of her mouth so that she could lick and slurp along the length of his shaft.

Barry moaned, deep and guttural, right in the back of his throat, and he thrust against nothing, his cock bobbing. 

“Does that feel good?” 

“It feels fuckin’ _amazing_.”

“How’s it feel to have a man sucking your cock?”

Where had that come from?

Was she a man?

She didn’t feel like a man. 

But she was being a different person, for the scene.

If she could be a patient in a doctor’s office, or a kitten, she could be male. 

“I dunno if you’re a man,” said Barry, and he was… smirking. “I’d say you’re a boy.”

“What’s the difference?”

Suzy glanced up at him.

“Well, for one,” said Barry, “I’m the one getting my dick sucked.”

She was wearing the rainbow strap on, pressed against her thigh.

It was too tight in her pants, and the harness was squeezing her, hard enough to leave marks on her skin. 

But she took his whole cock into her mouth, and she sucked on it, hard enough that her cheeks hollowed, and she began to bob her head, one of her hands going to his balls, rolling and cradling them in her palm.

He gasped, and he thrust into her mouth, carefully, moaning as her tongue rasping across his circumcision scar. 

He was squirming, he was moaning, panting, and he was tangling his fingers in her hair and rolling his hips - he was beginning to get thicker in her mouth, swollen, throbbing in time with his heartbeat.

He was thumping against her tongue, his pulse against her lips, and he was mumbling about his good boy, his sweet boy, his best boy, even as he came down her throat, into her mouth.

She swallowed it all up, because that was what good boys do - or at least, _this_ good boy. 

She pulled back, looking up at Barry with wide eyes, panting. 

“Did I do okay?”

“You did an excellent job,” Barry said. “Such a good boy.” 

He crouched down in front of Suzy, and he cupped her face, his thumbs on her cheekbones. 

“You’re my best boy,” Barry said, his voice serious. “What do you want?”

“I… I don’t know,” said Suzy. 

She was panting, from the binder squeezing her, from the arousal that was pooling in her belly, from the strangeness of it all.

She wanted to be naked.

It was too hot, and it was sweaty, and she was beginning to get anxious again, but Barry was looking at her with his big eyes, and she put her hand on top of his head, running her fingers through the silkiness. 

“I’m going… I’m….”

“Yeah?”

“Can you suck my dick?” 

She blurted it out without thinking, which probably sounded pretty stupid, but he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. 

“Of course,” said Barry. “Although I think this might be a bit easier if you’re on the bed.”

“Right,” said Suzy. She paused. “Can I… can I get undressed?”

She was wearing too many clothes.

“Of course,” said Barry. 

She stood up, shy. 

“I’m… I don’t want you to think I’m a woman. Or like… I don’t know. That I’m feminine? Even if you can see that I’ve got a certain body type?”

“You’re yourself. Whoever that is,” said Barry. “I mean… it’s gonna take a bit of getting used to, but I should be okay. And if I get it wrong, you can just tell me, okay?”

“... okay.”

Off came the shirt, and the cumbersome binder. She kicked off the jeans, which were too baggy, and then she was standing there, in a pair of boxers shorts, with a ridiculous erection. 

“I’m glad you’re enjoying this,” said Barry, and he curved his hand around her cock through her boxers. “I’ve never done this with another guy before.”

Suzy’s heart was in her throat - it was beating so fast, and she was beginning to shake, ever so slightly. 

She put her hands on his hips, and she pressed her forehead against his, rocking her hips forward into his hand. 

She couldn’t feel it, but when she looked down at it, the feelings inside of her were… intense. 

She didn’t entirely know what they were, but she was feeling them, bubbling up inside of her. 

Barry kissed her, and she tried to pass the feelings on to him, with the firmness of her tongue, with her hands on his waist pulling him closer. 

His dick was touching her dick, through the cotton of her boxers, and was it weird to think of it as her dick?

On all the forums she’d seen, people had talked about wanting to have a strap on - no, a prosthetic - that matched their own skin color. 

But that wasn’t… right, this was hers, she knew it was hers - they knew it was theirs? 

No.

She was she. 

She didn’t necessarily mean… well, lady, but fuck it, words were just sounds, she was just a person of some kind, and there were only so many things she could change about herself in one go. 

She moaned, when Barry began to kiss along her neck, and she backed up, slowly, sitting down heavily on the bed. She spread her legs wide, and she stared down, rapt, as Barry got on his knees between her legs.

His elbows were on her thighs, and his mouth was inches away from her penis.

“It looks so big,” he told her, a little breathless. “I’m glad that I’m sucking your dick first.”

“Didn’t I suck yours first?” Suzy blinked down at Barry, addled by arousal and... anxiety? Excitement? 

Barry chuckled, his face turning a bit red. 

“No, sorry, that was an… ambiguous statement.”

“The last thing you want right now is an ambiguous statement,” Suzy said, and she was beginning to giggle in spite of herself. 

“Oh, totally,” said Barry. “We’re gonna be as straightforward and no-nonsense as possible.”

He nuzzled into her cock, and then he was fishing her cock through her boxers.

When the whole length of it was revealed, he just… stared. 

“Wow,” he said.

“Sorry,” said Suzy. “Did I… did I get the wrong kind? Do you want to do something else?”

“No, no,” Barry said quickly. “Just very… much more dick than I was expecting.”

Suzy started to chuckle, then to laugh, ugly, snorting laughter coming out of her nose.

“What’s so funny?” Barry raised an eyebrow, but he looked amused.

“I feel like that’s partially life,” Suzy told him, half serious. “There’s always more dick than you expect.”

“I can’t exactly argue with that,” said Barry, “but I don’t think I’d even want to, when I’ve got this delicious cock right in front of me.”

Suzy blushed, hard, and she watched, transfixed, as Barry leaned forward, taking her cock into his mouth, wrapping his lips around the head and sucking, just enough to hollow his cheeks out. 

“Wow,” Suzy mumbled. 

She… didn’t feel it, exactly, but it was doing _something_ to her, something complicated that made her toes curl and her chest rise and fall as she panted, her eyes wide.

Barry made eye contact, and he took more of her cock into his mouth - swallowing the red, going to the orange, then hitting a bit of the yellow.

He pulled back, coughing, and he looked up at her, apologetically. 

“I can’t deep throat yet,” he told her, “but I can practice for you.”

His face was so sweet, even with tears leaking out of the sides of his eyes, that a little bit of her heart broke right then and there.

She loved him.

She full on loved him, the way she loved Arin, and she didn’t know what to make of that, except that there was a… brightness in her chest, as she took a deep breath, tangling her hands in his hair.

“Thank you,” she said, awkward. 

“Can I just stimulate the tip for now?” He suited words to actions, wrapping his lips around the very tip of her cock and sucking on it, hard enough that she could hear it. 

His other hand wrapped around the shaft, and he was jerking it, gently, pressing against her clit with the base of the dildo.

She moaned, a hard, desperate moan, and she rocked her hips forward. 

“Oh, fuck, Barry, your mouth feels so… good!”

The base of the dildo was pushing harder now, and she was holding on to his hair, holding on for dear life, as he pressed down on her pussy, as he sucked her cock.

Her toes were curling into the rug of Barry’s bedroom, and he was just… he was doing something, she didn’t know, only that her knees were getting weak, and she didn’t know what she was doing. 

She came, and maybe she felt his lips on the tip of her cock, and maybe she didn’t, but she sat back on the bed heavily, panting, her eyes squeezing shut.

“Did I do okay?” 

Barry’s expression was nervous, and he stared up at her, his chin on her knee. 

“You did great,” she told him, petting his hair. “You’re getting shaggy.”

“Yeah?” He huffed a bit of hair out of his face. “I don’t feel like a person anymore.”

“You’re totally a person,” she told him. 

“I dunno,” said Barry. “If I’m gonna be your submissive sometimes, shouldn’t I just be a worm that’s crawling on the floor and begging to lick your boots or something.”

“I need new boots,” Suzy said, and she flopped back onto the bed.

Her dick was sticking straight up, towards the ceiling. 

“Yeah?”

Barry flopped down next to her, and he reached out for her, pulling her close, so that her head was on his chest. 

“All of my boots are, like, super femme,” said Suzy. “Is it possible to get gender neutral boots?”

“Probably,” said Barry. “I’ll be really honest and say that I’ve never really thought about that stuff before.”

“I didn’t either,” Suzy admitted. “I mean… does that sound weird?” She batted at her dick like a cat, and it bobbed.

“I used to do that, when I first started getting erections,” said Barry.

Suzy snorted. 

“So this is normal?”

“Totally normal,” said Barry.

“But yeah,” said Suzy. “It doesn’t sound like… I mean, I keep reading stuff online kinda… like, everyone seems to say that they knew from forever. But I always was extra careful to _be_ feminine, because you know, I don’t want to be seen as doing it wrong.”

“That makes sense to me,” said Barry. “I think you’re overthinking this, babe.” 

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” said Barry. “I mean… even if you were one way as a kid, maybe you’re a different person now. You weren’t married back then, but it’s a vital part of your identity, right?”

“Well, yeah,” said Suzy. “But that’s… different.” 

She patted her dick again, and it wobbled. 

“I don’t think so,” said Barry. “I think… I think there’s a bunch of different ways of doing this stuff, and we all just need to figure it out as we go along.”

“I guess you’re right,” said Suzy, and she sighed, nuzzling her face into his chest. He was still wearing his flannel shirt. “Is it wrong that I don’t really like wearing the binder?”

“Nah,” said Barry. “I think you’re overthinking this, babe.”

“Probably,” said Suzy. 

* * *

“You wanna come with me when I get a haircut?”

It was two days later.

Suzy was at the office, reading on her phone. 

“When?”

“Thursday.”

“... sure,” said Suzy. “Can we go to the mall as well?” 

“Sure,” said Barry. “What are you looking for?”

She smiled at him, blushing. 

“Among other things,” said Suzy, “boots.”

She wasn’t going to be embarrassed. 

She was going to be okay.

She was going to do this right.

Whatever that meant. 

* * * 

“Hey Arin?”

“What’s up, babe?”

He was chopping vegetables, and he didn’t look up. 

She was on pasta boiling duty. 

“How would you feel about me getting a haircut?”

This did make him look up. 

“You don’t usually ask me when you’re planning a new look. What’s up?””

“I… might get a drastic haircut,” she said, and she cleared her throat. “Because I’ve been kinda… you know… the gender stuff.”

“You can shave your head bald and I’ll still love you,” Arin said, putting down his knife and going to kiss her. 

She kissed him back, turning her face up for him. 

He tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. 

“What are you planning?”

“I’m not sure yet.” 

“Well,” said Arin, “you’ve got good taste. I trust you.”

“That’s gonna backfire some day,” said Suzy, her tone teasing. “What if I did something truly horrible?”

“How horrible are we talking about?”

“Bleached, rainbow dreadlocks,” Suzy said.

“... I return to my comment about the fact that I will love you if you shaved your head bald,” said Arin. 

Suzy snorted. 

“Point taken,” she told him. 

“Is the pasta ready?”

“Almost.”

She stood on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek, and he smiled, wrapping an arm around her waist. 

“Can I possibly stick my foot in my mouth?” 

“Yeah?” 

“You look happier. Since you figured stuff out.”

“Yeah?”

“Like… you seem to have fit into your skin, in a way that I didn’t realize you weren’t before, you know?”

“Maybe?”

“I didn’t know your shoulders could unclench,” said Arin, and he kissed the back of her neck, just to make the little hairs on the back of her neck stand up. 

She snorted, and she poked him with the warm wooden spoon. 

* * * 

“So where are we going?” 

Suzy was trying to present masculine. 

She wasn’t wearing a binder - she’d come to the conclusion that she didn’t like it - but the sports bra was flattening her down a bit, and the shirt was baggy.

The pants were too baggy for comfort, but she’d get used to it, probably. 

“Just the place I usually go to,” said Barry. He squeezed her fingers.

She squeezed his back. 

* * * 

“So what is it that you want?”

The man was short and Eastern European. He had a cap of curly hair, and a thick mustache. 

“Um,” said Suzy. “Um.” 

“Um is not a haircut,” said the barber. “That I know of, at any rate.”

“Could you… shave the sides, keep the top long?”

He nodded, looking thoughtful. 

“So like an undercut?”

“Yes! Exactly. An undercut. Only all around the edge of my head.”

“Are you sure about this? I don’t know how this will look on a pretty girl like you.”

Suzy bit her lip. 

“I don’t want to have a pretty girl’s haircut,” she said carefully. 

He nodded. 

* * * 

Suzy stared at herself in the mirror. 

She looked… she looked a lot different. 

Her hair was framing her face differently now, and the barber had showed her how to comb her hair back, to emphasize the shaved sides of her head.

“You’re going ot have to keep it up,” the barber warned. “Shave it at least once a week.”

Suzy nodded.

There was a lump in her throat, that she didn’t entirely know how to address.

She’d had an undercut before, but this was… very clearly a masculine haircut. 

She wasn’t sure what to do with it. 

It was very… blatantly not-female. 

Or at least, very blatantly not feminine.

“Wow,” said Barry, coming next to the chair. “You look amazing!”

“You think so?” 

“Yeah,” said Barry. “It really suits you.”

“Thanks,” said Suzy, and she stood up, as the barber brushed the last remaining hair off of her lap.

“It feels cold,” she murmured, reaching down to feel the sides of her head. 

“Yeah,” Barry said, and he laughed. 

He looked less shaggy.

“Wanna get pancakes?”

“That sounds like a good plan.”

* * * 

She had peanut butter pancakes this time, and she tried to sort her feelings out.

“So now you look more visibly… well, not female,” said Barry. “Although you can pass, if you want to.”

“As long as I don’t look like Miley Cyrus,” Suzy said, and she laughed a bit unsteadily. 

“No way,” said Barry. “I promise.”

“There’s a party coming up,” said Suzy. “Can we go to it?”

“Sure,” said Barry. “Although, um, might I make a suggestion?”

“Yeah?”

“I think maybe you could try doing an outfit of the day or something, maybe a few Instagram posts?”

“You think?”

“You haven’t been doing a lot of those lately,” said Barry, taking a bite out of his omelette. 

“Yeah,” said Suzy. “I’ve been feeling weird about the way I look lately. You know.”

“I think you look great,” said Barry. “But I dunno if your fans will be quite so... open minded.”

“You think they’ll judge me for the gender thing?”

“They won’t be able to tell that you’re doing a gender thing,” said Barry. “You just got a pretty radical haircut. You should post some pictures, gush over it.”

Suzy sighed.

“This stuff was easier when I was a girl. Or thought I was a girl.”

“It usually is,” said Barry. “Sort of. Or at least, it’s easier being what people think you should be, versus what you actually are.”

“Sort of, I guess,” said Suzy. “I dunno. It always felt… hard to do the femme thing. It’s why I studied it so hard.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh. I never thought of it that way. Do you think that there are other, like, super gendered people who thought of it like that?”

“I dunno,” said Suzy. 

“It’s a thing to think about, to be sure,” said Barry. 

“So could I go to the party as, like… a dude?”

“Sure,” said Barry. “There are drag queens and sissies!” 

“But that’s not what I wanna be,” Suzy said. 

“Well, I know that,” said Barry. “Sorry. I was getting it wrong.”

“It’s okay,” she said, and she reached out for his hand, squeezing his fingers. 

“But,” said Barry, “if they can accept fetishy gender presentation stuff, then probably they can accept less fetishy gender presentation, right?”

“Hopefully,” said Suzy, and she sighed. “Why’s this shit gotta be so complicated?”

“This shit is always complicated,” said Barry. “You just chose the, like, new game plus complicated version of it.”

Suzy took another bite of her pancakes, and the sweet peanut butter of it melted on her tongue, mixed with the sticky syrup. 

* * * 

Arin was at his laptop when they got home, a cat on his chest and a cat on his lap. 

“Hey babe,” said Arin, not looking up.

“Hey,” said Suzy, and she smiled at him. “I, uh… I got a haircut.”

“Yeah? How did it - holy fuck.”

Arin was staring at her, his eyes wide.

“So, uh, what do you think?”

Arin stood up, and he walked up to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. 

He kissed her, and he ran his fingers along the newly exposed skin, his fingertips skimming the fuzz.

She shuddered, and she clung to his shirt, her forehead against his.

“Hi,” she mumbled.

“Hi,” he said back. “I really dig this new haircut.”

‘Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s really fuckin’ hot.”

‘Even though it’s not a woman’s haircut?”

“I mean,” said Arin, “you’re not sure if you’re a woman, right?”

“Right,” said Suzy.

“So if you want a haircut that isn’t a woman’s haircut, it’d make sense. Anyway, I dig it.”

He pressed a kiss to the side of her head, and she shivered again - the skin was still sensitive, not used to that kind of attention. 

“You know what you should do?” 

“What?”

“You should get a tattoo on the side of your head,” said Arin. 

“What kind of tattoo?” She leaned against him, her face tucked into his collarbone. 

“I dunno,” said Arin. “Something long and flowing. Lots of nice lines.”

“I dunno if that would go with my other tattoos,” said Suzy. 

“I think it could,” said Arin. “Maybe something… botanical? Something like vines.”

“Are you sure you’re not just thinking of that chick from the Hunger Games?”

“I never _saw_ the Hunger Games,” Arin pointed out. 

“Fair enough,” said Suzy. “But you didn’t see any of the promotional images or anything?”

“Not really,” said Arin. 

His hands were moving down her back, sliding under the hem of her shirt. 

"I think we're going off topic," Arin whispered, and he was kissing along her ear, his lips tender against the newly exposed skin of her scalp. "Because you know what I'm thinking?"

"W-what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I should totally fuck my super hot boyfriend," said Arin. 

It took Suzy a minute.

"Don't you mean husband? Dan is your super hot boyfriend."

"Well, I've never fucked you when you were presenting as, like, not a woman," said Arin. "I mean, you might've _been_ not a woman for the whole time that we've been together, but now you look more... well, different, so I thought it'd be like starting fresh." His hands were splayed out on her back, moving down to her butt. 

"Fair enough," said Suzy, although there was still a little quiver of nerves at the pit of her gut. "I still think... I mean, am I still... are we still married?"

He took Suzy's face in his hands, and he kissed her, with his mouth and his tongue and his lips and his teeth.

"Of course," he said. "I promise."

"Okay," said Suzy, and she shuddered.

"Do you want me to call you a different name?"

"I think... I don't know," she said. "I don't know what that name would be. Or, like, I've got an idea of what it would be, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."

"Gotcha," said Arin, beginning to walk her towards the kitchen. "Hey, remember when we first moved in here and I fucked you on the kitchen table?"

"Faintly, yeah," said Suzy, and she was grinning. 

"Well, since... since we're starting something new, or something like that... why not try that again, hm?"

Her ass hit the lip of the table, and then Arin was lifting her up onto the table, then getting between her legs. 

"I wanna suck your cock," he told Suzy, staring up at her with his big brown eyes.

"I'm not wearing it," Suzy said. 

"What do you mean?" Arin reached between her legs and squeezed, pressing his thumb against her clit. "I can feel it right here."

"Ah!" Her hips rolled forward - it was a clumsy, light touch, through the denim of her jeans, but it was there enough to tease. 

"See? Your dick is right here." 

He pressed his face into her crotch, his nose against the zipper, and that couldn't be nice, exactly, but she was grinding forward and panting, because if she closed her eyes, she could imagine that she had a dick, pressing against the front of her zipper, and that... that was an appealing image. 

It felt... there was something in her heart that was bursting open, and she didn't know if this was who she was supposed to be, but it was someone who she would _like_ to be, and she could at least pretend for now, right?

So she moaned a little louder.

"I gotta get my mouth on that gorgeous dick," said Arin, and he unzipped her pants - she had to lean back onto her arms to lift her hips up, and then he was pulling them off, with her underwear.

She had worn panties today - she was out of boxers. 

Then Arin's face was between her legs, and he was... he was eating her out, but it was different from how he usually did it - his lips were doing something else, and his tongue was just kinda flickering there.

Was this how he sucked off Dan?

She wasn't sure if the idea made her horny or anxious, but she did like the way his mouth felt on her, as she rolled her hips forward and moaned, tangling her fingers in his hair and humping against his face.

"Fuck," Arin mumbled into her thigh. "You like pushing your cock halfway down my throat, don't you?"

This all felt kinda... silly, but her heart was beating desperately between her legs, which were trembling. 

"Y-yeah," said Suzy, and she chuckled thickly. "I'm sorry. It's... your mouth feels so good, you know?"

"I bet," said Arin, and he was diving back in.

She pushed his face where she wanted it, and she rode his face through an orgasm, and then she shoved him away, as he made a big show of wiping his mouth, although truth be told, his whole face was slick.

"Baby, honey, darling," crooned Arin, and now he was standing up, pressing closer to her. "Please, can I fuck you?"

"I... my butt isn't clean," Suzy gabbled. "I mean. Um."

She was blushing. 

Arin seemed to break character for a minute.

"I also don't have gloves or lube or condoms here," he told her. "No, I was gonna just... keep at it. If you follow."

"Oh. Oh! Right!" She cleared her throat, her cheeks still pink with embarrassment. "You wanna rail my hot ass?"

"Something like that, yeah," said Arin, and he smirked, grabbing her by the hips and pulling her off of the table.

It really was a good thing they'd just cleaned it off, or else there would probably be a lot of stuff knocked off.

She bent over the table, and she shook her ass at him.

He took a great handful of her ass, and then he slapped it.

She made a surprised noise, and she moaned, spreading her legs wider for him.

"I'm gonna... I'm gonna fuck you so good, baby," Arin said, and the wet head of his cock was right up against her thigh, smearing across it. 

"Yeah? How good?"

"Your ass is gonna be sore in the best way," said Arin, and then he was sliding into her, thick and hot and familiar, but foreign.

She moaned, arching her back and spreading her legs a bit wider, until he was fully seated.

"You're so big," Suzy said thickly.

"Think I can find your prostate?" Arin's voice was wicked as he angled his hips. 

"D-d-dunno," Suzy mumbled. 

And then he was pressing against her g-spot, and she was shuddering around him, as he began to fuck her, well and truly, hard enough that she had to cling to the wood. 

He draped himself across her back, his belly soft, his beard ticklish against the side of her head, and then he was... licking it, licking the newly exposed skin of her scalp, and that shouldn't have been as sexy as it was, it was enough to make her shudder around him at the new sensation. 

"Fuck," Suzy sobbed, and she bucked up against him.

He was holding on to her hips, and he began to speed up.

"You're so tight," he told her. "You're such... you're such a pretty boy, you're so tight, I'm gonna cum like a firehose in like, a minute, holy shit, dude, you're... fucking... oh my _god_!" 

He came inside of her, as deep as he could get, his hips twitching forward as his cock throbbed and filled her with heat.

She sagged against the table, pleasantly crushed by his weight, and he nuzzled into her neck, his hands going to her belly. 

"I love you," he whispered in her ear. 

"Love you too," she said, reaching down to hold his hand.

He squeezed her fingers.

She squeezed his back. 

* * *

Suzy saw the boots when she was running errands.

They were just sitting in the window, and she knew she had to have them as soon as she saw them.

They were purple, and they were a bit scuffed up - clearly second hand.

She was in the store before she knew what she was doing.

* * *

"These aren't women's boots," the clerk warned Suzy, as she put them on. 

They were... heavy, and it felt like every step she took meant something, which was intense.

"Can I wear them out?"

"Sure," said the clerk. 

* * * 

The blisters were totally worth it.

* * *

_What do you think of these?_

_You should totally wear them to the party_

Barry sent her a selfie, and he was clearly blushing, biting his lip. 

_What, really? You still want me to Top you?_

_DEFINITELY!!!_

Suzy sent him a selfie back, holding on to her ear and grinning.

_That was emphatic_

_Do you want me to bring anything for me?_

_Like what?_

_I dunno. A leash and collar, maybe?_

Suzy blushed, imagining leading Barry around on a leash. 

_I'll take care of it. Just bring the toys you want me to use and your wonderful self_

_Anything special you want me to wear?_

_Wear one of my feminine shirts_

_What, to the munch?_

_Yeah. I know I've left a few over at your place_

_Fair enough!_

* * * 

It wasn't until she put her phone down to go back to sewing up the woodchuck that she realized what it was that she had just asked him.

... shit.

Did he think that she was going to collar him?

Oh god.

Although then again....

Suzy groaned, putting her face in her hands.

"What's up?"

Arin poked his head through the door. 

"Relationships are complicated," said Suzy, not looking up. "Let's run away to a desert island with the cats."

"I wouldn't wanna do that," said Arin.

"Why not?"

"We'd miss all our friends, I'd miss my boyfriend, you'd miss your boyfriend...."

"We could take our boyfriends with us," Suzy said, and she sat up. 

"Dan would die," Arin said bluntly. "Barry would do fine - he'd get all buff and spear fish topless, but Dan would get sunburned and then starve because his body low key hates him."

"My body low key hates me too," Suzy pointed out.

"Well, yeah, but you'd be planning the trip," said Arin, and he came in, nudging her forwards in her chair and beginning to rub her shoulders. 

She sighed, relaxing into it.

"Stuff was simpler when we were monogamous," she told Arin. "I knew all your tricks and whatnot, you knew all of mine, and it was easier."

"For all you know, I've got a few kinks or tricks or quirks or whatever to pull out on you when we're both sixty. You know, to make it interesting."

"Are you saying I'm not interesting?" Suzy looked at him, upside down, and she made a surprised noise as his fingers ghosted over the shaved parts of her head.

"Oh, no," said Arin. "You're, like, the most interesting person I know. I'm just saying that things could always be _more_ interesting."

"When you put it like that, it sounds like that old curse."

"Which curse?"

"The "May you live in interesting times" one," said Suzy.

"I thought that was just, like, a myth or something."

"Regardless," said Suzy. "It's the same sentiment."

Arin gave her shoulders a final squeeze, then kissed the top of her head.

"I'm gonna leave you to your dead animals," said Arin, and he walked out.

She felt a bit better, at least.

* * *

Suzy stood in front of her closet mirror, and stared at herself.

The party was in three hours. 

What the hell was she going to wear? 

She huffed out a breath.

Everyone there knew her as feminine, but she already knew she was going to wear her ridiculous rainbow dick, and she knew that she wanted to go by a different name. 

So....

"Fuck it," Suzy said, her tone philosophical, as she grabbed a pair of skinny jeans and one of Barry's shirts. 

* * * 

Barry was full on ogling her when he picked her up.

She'd kissed Arin goodbye, and it was a bit weird to be going to a party and not leaving lipstick on Arin. 

Although Arin probably wasn't going to complain too much. 

But he had told her to have fun, and then they had just set off. 

* * * 

The diner was... different. 

That one guy, Bond, was utterly ignoring her, which was new - usually she had to beat him off with a stick.

But her other friends were pretty open to her - she got a few compliments on her haircut, and when she corrected them about which name to use for her, they were supportive. 

The pancakes were as comforting as ever - she got the ones with strawberries this time, and the redness of the strawberries stained her mouth like a lollipop.

* * * 

Barry was indeed wearing her shirt.

It was a boring black shirt, cut like a woman's shirt, and Suzy could see his chest hair.

Nobody else commented on it, but why would they - it was just a shirt, after all, and people wore weirder stuff, even in public places. 

* * *

The club was as dark and as loud as ever, and Suzy sighed, feeling some small part of her relax.

This was her place, the same way the Grump space was her place.

"So, uh... do you wanna start?" 

Barry looked a little nervous.

"Yeah," said Suzy. "Although I forgot to get the leash and collar."

"It's okay," said Barry, and he smiled, looking a bit sheepish. "I kinda realized what it sounded like, after I said it."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah."

"Sorry about that," said Suzy. "For... not realizing it."

"It's okay," said Barry, and he laughed. "I mean... we've been together long enough... I might be... you know, interested in that kinda thing."

"What, collaring?"

"Yeah."

"... can I think about it?"

"Of course," said Barry, and he kissed her.

She kissed him back. 

* * *

They found a dark corner, and they cordoned it off with a chain. 

She looked at him, and she licked her lips.

This would be the first time she would be seriously topping.

"Okay," said Suzy. "I... I want you to take your shirt off."

"Don't you mean your shirt?" Barry's tone was teasing.

Suzy rolled her eyes. 

"I'll hit you extra hard for that," she informed him.

"About that," said Barry, and he looked a little nervous. "Could we maybe... go easy on that? I'm not sure how much I'm into the whole pain thing. I might just be more interested, in you, know, maybe sensation play?"

"That works," said Suzy. "You wanna just see how it goes?"

"Sounds good," said Barry, and he was pulling his shirt off, leaving him topless.

Suzy pressed close to him, pressing her own chest against his, her binder digging in under her ribs, the hair of his chest soft under her hands.

She wanted to take her shirt off. 

She was already beginning to sweat.

But that would send the wrong message, wouldn't it?

She sighed, pressing her forehead into his shoulder, and then she shoved him against the wall. 

"I'm gonna start by hitting your back a bit, okay?"

"Sounds good," said Barry, his voice coming from some distance away. "Although no flogging, please."

"I don't even know how to throw a flogger," said Suzy, as she took a big handful of his back and squeezed it, the way he liked to do with her.

He made a surprised noise, that might have been a moan.

She smiled.

Something in her stomach clenched.

Then she drew her hand back and slapped his back, like she was telling him he'd done a good job.

That made him yell out in surprise, and she _liked_ that noise. 

She slapped him again, using her shoulder this time, and he made a surprised noise, pressing his face into the corner and panting. 

"How's that?"

He gave her a thumbs up.

"Do you want more implements?"

"No," said Barry. "I'm good with hands for now. Although do you think you could maybe try making it more... thud?"

"I can try," Suzy said.

"How about punching?"

"If you're sure," Suzy said. "I mean, uh, you've never really bottomed for this kind of thing before."

"I haven't," said Barry, "but the sting stuff is just... itchy."

"Okay," said Suzy. "I'll try punching you."

She'd never punched anyone before, apart from her siblings now and then.

But how hard could it be?

* * * 

"How about I show you how to punch?" 

Suzy, shaking her sore hand, nodded.

* * * 

And then they were back to the position they had been in before, him with his face in the corner, her touching his back.

She drew her arm back, and she punched him in the back, right under his shoulder blade.

He groaned like he was fucking her, and he pressed his face into his arms, which were supporting him on the wall.

"How was that?"

"Again, please," Barry mumbled. 

"Right," said Suzy, and she punched him again, because she could, because there was an energy going through her arm, there was an intensity to this that she didn't entirely get, but fuck it, she was going to enjoy it.

So she punched him again and again, his back beginning to turn red under the blows, his cries blending into the general ambiance of the club.

At some point, his back was hot to the touch, and she was pressing against him, sweat dripping down her face, her back, down her binder.

She was enough in the zone that she just... pulled her shirt off, shucked off the binder, and she was topless in skinny jeans, with a very obvious hard on, and she was pressing her bare skin against his hot skin, and it was exactly what she needed. 

She took a great handful of his hair, forcing his head back, and she took a bit of his shoulder, right next to where his neckline would be, and she sucked hard enough that she tasted copper.

Barry cried out, and his fists were pounding on the wall. 

"D'you feel that?" Suzy ground her cock against his ass, her hands on his hips, pulling him closer to her, full on humping him. "You're so fuckin' hot, Bar, I can't wait to... fuck, I want to just fuck you so badly."

"Do it," Barry said, and his voice was desperate, almost manic. "Please, fuck me, spread me open and just fuck me like an animal, _please_!" 

He was grinding his ass against her crotch, and it was... intense. 

"Fuck, Bar," Suzy whimpered in his ear. "Oh, fuck, Bar...."

He was almost sobbing, still grinding, and she reached down, finding his cock hard and needy in his pants.

"When we get home," she said, "I'm gonna ride your dick. I promise." 

"Yeah?"

"Totally," said Suzy.

"What if... what if I wanna ride your dick?" Barry's voice was nervous, but eager. 

"That'd be awesome," said Suzy, and it was true, it would be awesome. "But like... not after a night when we've been playing all night. Okay?"

"Okay."

"... can I punch your chest?"

"Sure," said Barry, and he turned around, pressing his back against the cold wall. "I suddenly understand why you always do this."

"Hmm?"

"My skin is on fire."

Suzy snorted, and she looked him in the face.

His cheeks were red, and his lips were swollen - had he been biting them?

"I'm gonna punch you now, okay?"

"Okay," said Barry, and he tilted his chin back.

She drew her arm back, and she punched him, right over the nipple.

He made a surprised noise, staring at her wide eyed, and he was biting his lip again.

He had a lovely mouth - she knew this, obviously, but every time she saw him in the throes of passion, she was reminded. 

She went for his chest again. 

He grunted, curling forward, and she grabbed his hair, forcing him to stand upright, forcing him to look her in the eye. 

“How’s that?” 

“Again, please,” Barry slurred. 

“What, really?” 

“Really,” said Barry. “I like how it feels like dubstep.”

“You’re such a weirdo,” Suzy said, but she was grinning as she drew her fist back and punched him again, as he sagged back against the wall, his eyes squeezed shut. 

“I’m the weirdo,” Barry said. “I’ve got a boner out of all of this.”

“I mean,” said Suzy, and she stared down between her own legs, “I’ve got one too.”

“I thought you just had a boner because I’m so sexy,” said Barry.

“Well,” said Suzy, “that too.” 

Another punch, and he groaned like he had been kicked in the balls, sagging back against the wall, his eyes squeezing shut. 

“Mo?”

“Yeah?” 

“I want you to… I want… your boots.”

“Yeah? What about my boots?”

“Can you step on me?” 

She laughed out loud, remembering that first time she had come to the club and seen Riddle beating up their masochist. 

At how shocked she was. 

Now look at where they were!

“I’ll step on you with one condition,” she told him. 

“What’s the condition?” 

“You sing while I step on you.” 

“I can totally do that,” said Barry. 

“And I get to choose the song.” 

“Fair enough.” 

Barry slid down onto the floor, his legs out in front of him, his back against the wall. 

“So what song am I singing?” He stared up at her, and he licked his lips.

She told him. 

“ _Are you fucking kidding me?!_ ” 

* * * 

“You keep playing where you shouldn’t be… oh god… shouldn’t be playing….”

Suzy ground her heel into the meat of his thigh, and she was laughing. 

“And you keep thinking that you’ll never get b-b-burned….”

He was practically stuttering, and his eyes were squeezed tightly shut. 

“Ha!” Suzy sang along with him, and she stamped down, hard. 

“I just f-f-found… kick me, please?”

“In the meaty parts, right?”

“Right!”

“I just found me a brand new box of mat _ches_!” 

She drew her ankle back and kicked him in the thigh. 

Barry was cackling. 

“And what do ya know… we ain’t g-g-got time to… learn!”

Another kick. 

Suzy was singing along now.

“These boots are made for walking! And that’s just what they’ll do!”

She kicked him in the calf, then the other calf.

He howled. 

She stomped on his thighs, carefully holding on to the pipe next to her.

“One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you!”

She stamped again, and he made a wounded noise, and he was laughing harder. 

He looked up at her, with those big eyes of his, and he smiled. 

“Are you ready boots?” 

They said it in unison.

“Start walking!”

They were laughing. 

They were laughing so hard, that Suzy had to get off of him and sit on the floor next to him, still cackling. 

She leaned against him, and she kissed him, pressing one small fist into his tender thigh.

He groaned, and then he laughed. 

“You’re such a fucking dork,” Suzy mumbled. 

“It was your idea,” said Barry, and he snuggled up to her, his head on her chest. 

“I’ve got the best sense of humor,” said Suzy.

“You know what I’d really like?” Barry’s tone was contemplative.

“What would you like?”

“For you to fuck my face.”

Suzy coughed. 

That was… unexpected. 

“What, right now? Here?”

“Exactly,” said Barry. “Please?”

“Well,” said Suzy “ask me nicely.”

“Could you please fuck my face?”

“I can,” said Suzy. 

Barry gave her a Look.

“ _Would_ you please fuck my face?”

“I guess I can fit it into my busy schedule,” said Suzy, and she was getting on her feet. “But first, I want you to kiss my boots.”

“Kiss your boots?”

“Yeah. Just the tops of them,” she added quickly. “Not the bottoms.”

“Okay,” said Barry, and his posture relaxed a bit. 

Suzy leaned against the wall, holding one foot out towards his face, and he leaned in, nuzzling the purple leather, kissing it. 

“Oh,” said Suzy.

She’d asked him to do the boot thing on a whim, but now… it was making something in her belly twitch, and she was grabbing between her legs, stroking her cock. 

“Do you like my boots?”

“Oh, yes,” Barry said. “I like them… I like them a lot.”

“They like you,” Suzy said, and she switched legs, so that he could nuzzle into the other boot. 

“You should get more boots,” Barry said thickly. “Every color of the rainbow. But the purple ones are my favorite.” 

“Of course they are,” said Suzy. “Now… you want your face fucked?”

Barry got up on his knees, and he nuzzled into her crotch, mouthing along the line of her erection. 

“Your dick is so thick,” Barry said, and he looked up at her, his hands on her hips. “I want it in me.”

“Your mouth is you,” Suzy pointed out. “Take my dick out.”

“You couldn't be more romantic about it?”

“What do you want me to say? Please fellate my skin flute?”

“... don't ever say that again,” said Barry, carefully pulling her cock out and kissing the tip of it.

“What, fellate?”

“No, skin flute. It makes me feel like I'm about to blow Danny.”

“You're one of the few people who wouldn't want to blow Dan,” Suzy said, just barely keeping the grumble out of her voice. 

Barry gave her a Look, and then he took her cock into his mouth. 

“Oh,” Suzy said thickly, staring down at him, her eyes wide. 

She could never get over how amazing he looked with cock in his mouth. 

With _her_ cock in his mouth. 

Oh fuck. 

Suzy moaned, and she put her hands on his head, beginning to roll her hips. 

He wanted her to fuck his face. 

She could totally do that. 

She tangled her hands in his hair, pulling his face closer to her, so that she was well and truly fucking his face. 

He groaned like he was in pain, squirming against her, gagging around her cock.

There were tears dripping down his face, and he was clutching at her hips . 

“Is this what you wanted, Bar? Exactly what you wanted?”

He groaned and nodded, deep throating her. His hands were on her ass now, squeezing it, and he groaned and held on. 

“Oh, your mouth feels so good,” Suzy said thickly, and she stared down at him. If she really looked careful, she could feel it, almost. 

She fucked his face until he patted on her hip, and then he pulled off, panting heavily. 

“Fuck,” Barry said, his voice rough. 

He was shaking. 

“Are you okay, babe?” 

Suzy crouched down in front of him, her cock a’flapping in the breeze. 

She cupped Barry’s face in her hands, pressing their foreheads together. 

They breathed each other’s breath for a minute or so, and Barry’s pulse raced under her fingers. 

“That was amazing,” Barry said, and he was still panting, rubbing noses with her, sweat dripping down his face, down her face.

“Yeah? I did okay?” 

Anxiety was curling up in her chest, crawling up her throat. 

“You did excellent,” said Barry. “What do you need?”

Suzy chuckled wetly. 

“Baby, you’re the one who I beat up. What do _you_ need?” 

“Top Drop is a thing,” Barry pointed out. 

“But I’m not feeling it right now,” said Suzy. 

“Okay,” said Barry. “Could you get me a bottle of water, please?” 

“Sure,” said Suzy, and she kissed the top of his head. “Will you be okay on your own?” 

“It’s not like you’re going to climb mount Everest,” said Barry. 

She laughed, and she stood up, ruffling his hair. 

* * * 

As she was walking back from the bar, the man in the black leather jacket stood in her way.

“I saw your lovely scene,” he said, and his eyes went down to her crotch. 

Suzy flushed, shoving her cock back into her pants. 

In the midst of all of the intensity of the scene, she’d forgotten to zip up. She was still topless as well, & the air was cold against her sweaty skin.

“I would love to be your personal trampoline,” he said. “I can take much more than he could.”

“I’m not interested,” Suzy said. 

“Are you absolutely sure?” 

“I’m sure.”

“Maybe I can convince you,” he said, and he was… lying down in front of her. “If you’d like.” 

There wasn’t any space for her to walk around him. 

She ground her teeth. 

She wanted to boot him in the ribs, hard enough to break them. 

She wanted to stamp on his face, break his nose.

She settled on hovering one foot over his hand.

“I could break your fingers,” she said, nonchalant. “If you’d like.” 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

The guy scrambled upright. 

“Get out of my way,” Suzy snapped.

“It’s a free country,” said the guy.

He’d been around the club for the whole time she’d been going, but he’d never offered his name.

“It may be a free country, but I’m trying to get past,” said Suzy. 

“Dude,” said a voice from behind them, and there was Barry, shirtless and wobbling a little bit, panting. 

He looked fuzzy eyed and that mix between horny and exhausted. 

“I’m sorry,” said the guy, and he walked away. 

Suzy glared after him. 

“I”m sorry,” Suzy said, and she wrapped her arms around Barry, kissing him.

“It’s okay,” said Barry. “He’s a jerk.”

Suzy sat him down on a chair, and got him a bottle of water. 

He drank it down, and he snuggled up to her, his head on her chest, listening to her heart beating.

“You know what I really want?”

“What do you really want?”

“Pancakes,” said Barry. 

“What kinda pancakes?” 

“The kind from the one place,” said Barry, and he yawned. “If that’s okay?”

“You wanna see if Riddle and Naomi and everyone wanna get food too?”

“No,” said Barry, and he pressed his face into her chest.

He was blushing hard enough that she could feel it, heat radiating out from between her breasts.

“Any particular reason why?” 

“I’m… I’m kinda still processing this stuff,” said Barry. He indicated his chest. “It’s still throbbing, and I like it, but I feel like I’m… like I’m wobbling over some kind of abyss, and if I fall in, it’ll be… something, but I don’t know what kind of something it’ll be.”

Suzy nodded, slowly. 

She understood that - she remembered her early days of submitting, and the ups and downs that came with it. 

“How about you put on a shirt?” Suzy rubbed his back, as Barry began to drink his water. “We can go to the diner, have some delicious pancakes, then we can go home and watch a movie, maybe?”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Barry said, and he yawned. He rubbed his eyes, and he was clearly on his last legs. 

“Are you sure you’re up for pancakes?”

“I need some sugar in me,” said Barry. “I’m gonna… thingy.”

“Crash?” 

“Yeah.” 

Another yawn. 

“Let’s get you dressed and get your sugar.”

* * * 

Suzy drove them to the diner - Barry was practically falling asleep. He was shivering as well - she’d given him her hoodie, although it didn’t entirely fit him. 

Barry was still drowsy at the table - he would occasionally shift position, and he would wince, then make eye contact with Suzy and grin. 

"You really did a number on me," he told her.

"I'm sorry," Suzy said, and guilt was trying to climb up her throat now. 

"No, no, don't be," said Barry. "I'm glad. I was worried that I'd have to wuss out or something, but you beat me up _super_ good!"

She laughed, a little too loudly, and the waiter coming towards them gave them a weird look. 

The folks here were pretty unflappable, for the most part - any kind of twenty four hour service job results in unflappability - but this guy looked new.

"What can I get you?"

"Pancakes!"

Suzy and Barry said it at the same time, and then they made eye contact, and they burst out laughing. 

"Could I have blueberry pancakes, please?" 

Suzy could already taste the tart sweetness.

"And I'll take strawberry," said Barry.

"So what was your favorite part of the scene?" Suzy asked, as the waiter walked away.

"Well," said Barry, "I really liked sucking you off."

Suzy blushed, looking down. 

There was barely anyone around to hear them, but still. 

"And... I liked when you stepped on me," said Barry. "I think... I really like the pressure. Do you think, some time, you could maybe walk on my back in those boots?"

"I'd be willing to try it," Suzy said. "Although I'd be afraid of hurting you."

"I'm tough," Barry said, and he made a muscle, flexing his bicep.

Then he winced, because apparently that was making something in his back twitch in an unpleasant way. 

"I like hurting you," Suzy said, and she was blushing harder. She took a gulp of water, to hide some of her embarrassment. 

"Yeah? Why?"

"Because I like the things that your face does," said Suzy. "And it gives me, like... this... energy. I dunno how to put it, exactly."

"Like you just wanna keep hitting me and hitting me, until your fist breaks or I break?" 

Barry was grinning, looking slightly smug, which was a feat for someone who was wincing every time he leaned back against his chair. 

"Aren't you mister know it all?" Suzy stuck her tongue out at him.

He grinned at her, still looking pleased.

"What can I say? I've got some experience."

And then their pancakes arrived, and any back and forthing was overcome by the fluffy sweetness. 

* * * 

"Are you worried about sub drop?" 

Suzy came out of the shower, toweling her hair dry.

She wasn't sweaty anymore, thankfully - she hadn't realized how much Topping would heat her up, although in retrospect, it did make sense.

Doing more physical activity and whatnot.

"I'm not too worried," said Barry. "I didn't have any big emotional whatsits."

"Yeah," said Suzy. "You're just asleep on your feet."

"I'm not on my feet, thank you very much," said Barry, and indeed, he was flopped out on the bed like a landed fish. 

"Well, I want you to text me after I go home in the morning, okay?" 

"Okay," said Barry. 

He grinned at her.

She flopped down next to him. 

"Do you think I could try tying you up some time?" 

"That could be fun," Barry said. "But I want to tie you up first. I've finally gotten the hang of that dragonfly sleeve, and I want to see if I can make that vibrator harness when I'm not following step by step guides."

Suzy blushed.

"I mean," Barry said, "if you'd be up for bottoming? I know you're kinda all about the Topping right now."

"Well," said Suzy, "it is kinda new and shiny." 

"I'm glad I can still provide you new and shiny stuff," said Barry, and Suzy detected a note of... something in his voice.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," said Barry. "Just a little insecure. You know."

"Not really?"

"I was the new and shiny thing for awhile," he said, and she cuddled up, putting her head on his chest.

It was on one of his bruises, and he winced. 

She liked that, a lot more than she thought she would. 

"Well,"said Suzy, "you're still my Bar, okay? Regardless of what that means."

"Okay," said Barry, and he kissed her forehead. "Maybe I just need to flex my Topping muscles a bit."

"Maybe," Suzy agreed. 

She snuggled up to him, and she fell asleep.

* * *

They didn't do any rope in the morning.

Suzy was... weirdly out of sorts. 

She wanted to go home, to cuddle with her cats. 

She wanted to bug Arin and watch television. 

Was this Top drop?

Maybe.

She didn't usually get grumpy after a party, so this was probably Top drop.

Which was stupid.

She was still grumbling internally when she got home, unlocking the door, kicking her boots off, and dropping her bag.

She'd sterilize her toys and deal with all of that later. 

She wanted to go to bed for a while, put her feet up, and just relax. 

* * *

There were two people in the bed.

Arin was sleeping on his back, snoring as always, and Dan was curled up on his side, the curve of his spine pressed against Arin's side. 

They were in the main bed.

They were in the bed that Suzy and Arin shared, that was _just_ for Suzy and Arin.

Dan was sleeping on Suzy's side.

"Right," Suzy said.

There was rage in her, boiling, white hot rage.

Where the hell had that come from?

It wasn't like she was that possessive, right?

She was usually okay with sharing.

Except apparently she wasn't, because she wanted to kick Dan out of the bed, literally - use her feet to get him out of _her_ bed, with _her_ husband.

Arin jerked awake.

"Suze," he said, and he caught her expression. "Look, I can -"

"I don't want to hear it," Suzy snapped, and she left the room. 

She left the room, and she sat at the kitchen table, seething.

* * * 

Arin came into the kitchen, looking sleepy and sheepish.

"I'm really sorry, Suzy."

"I thought we agreed that our bed was for us." 

Suzy was speaking very carefully.

"And it is, usually," said Arin. "I wouldn't have done this if -"

"If what?!"

She was so angry that she could almost see red.

Was this what Top drop did to her?

Huh.

"The cats peed on the guest bed," Arin said, "right through to the mattress. And I couldn't ask Dan to sleep on the couch, you know how it fucks with his back."

"So you didn't even call me?"

"You wanted me to call you at three in the morning?" Arin was scowling. "Usually when you're at those parties, your phone is off anyway."

Which was true, but still. 

"You couldn't have sent him home?"

"That's not fair," Arin said sharply. 

"But you fucking your boyfriend in _our_ bed is?"

"I didn't fuck him," Dan said, coming in. "I just needed to sleep."

"You stay out of this," Suzy said. "This is between me and my husband."

"I'm involved as well," Dan said. "I'm the one you're mad at."

"No, I'm mad at both of you," Suzy said. 

"I'm sorry," Dan said. "I, uh... I really like the butch look you're going for. I've always loved butch ladies."

Suzy saw Arin wince.

She didn't see anything else; she stood up, and she just... left.

"Suzy?"

"I'm too angry to talk to you right now," Suzy said, in a very calm, collected voice.

"Where are you going?"

"Doesn't matter. Go back to sleep for all I fucking care."

She didn't even put on shoes.

Just walked out the door, got into her car, and drove to Barry's house. 

* * * 

Barry answered the door in a towel.

“Mo? Or, uh, Suze? What are you -” 

She looked into his face, and then she burst into tears.

Ugly tears, and she was crying them into his shoulder, clutching at him.

“Shhh,” Barry said, and he wrapped his arms around her, rocking her.

His towel fell down, and they shuffled awkwardly into the house, as Barry kept holding her. 

She kept snuffling, and it all poured out of her in a mess, her nose dripping, her eyes turning red.

“That’s a mess,” said Barry, when she’d gotten it all out.

“I just got so angry,” Suzy mumbled, and she wiped her face with the offered tissue. 

“That sounds like Top drop,” said Barry. 

“Wouldn’t I be feeling guilty and weepy?”

“Nah,” said Barry. “I mean, some folks are like that, but not always.”

“Not always?”

“Nope.” 

“Huh.”

Suzy took a sip of her coffee. 

“... do you think I overreacted?”

“A little bit,” said Barry. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?” 

“I am on your side,” said Barry. “Part of being on your side is pointing out when you’re being a jerk.”

Suzy sighed, and she leaned back into her chair. 

“Okay. You’re right.” She covered her face with both hands. “I just wanted to come home and put my feet up, cuddle my husband, pet my cats. Then I come home and Dan is in _my_ bed.”

“He did have a good reason to be in your bed,” said Barry.

“Arin could have told me,” Suzy said. 

“Isn’t your phone still dead?”

“... he could have texted you.”

“He could have,” said Barry. “He made a mistake.”

“It’s… my bed. I’m okay with them fucking around, but there’s a space that’s _our_ space, and then Dan was in our space, and I already have to share all of my free time with him.”

“You don’t share all your free time with him,” he said. “You spend a lot of time around me as well.”

“Well, yeah,” said Suzy, “but I’m not inviting you to come sleep in our marriage bed.”

“Did you and Arin talk about this beforehand?”

 

“Yeah,” said Suzy. “Our bed is our bed. No sex.”

“Were they having sex?”

“Well, no,” said Suzy, sheepishness sufficing her whole self. “They were sleeping.” 

“I think you should go home and apologize to Arin.” 

“Yeah?”

 

“I think you should ask for one as well, and then you both should have a conversation.” 

“When did you get so reasonable?” 

“I kept my mouth shut and watched how everyone else did stuff for a long time, then took it from there.” 

“Huh,” said Suzy. “Can I stay here until I’ve calmed down?”

“Of course,” said Barry. 

* * * 

Suzy took a long, cool shower, letting the water take away the tension in her body, cool and sweet against her overheated skin. 

She closed her eyes, and she might have cried a bit - in shame, in confusion, in anxiety - but when she finally calmed down, her head was clear. 

“Okay,” Suzy said, coming out wrapped in a towel, “I’m gonna call Arin.”

She’d charged her phone, while she showered.

“Go for it,” said Barry. “I’ll give you your privacy.”

* * * 

Arin picked up the phone on the third ring.

“I’m sorry,” Suzy said. 

“It’s okay,” said Arin. “Well, no, I mean, you being a jerk isn’t okay, but I think I was kind of a jerk as well. The jerkiness is kinda balanced out. And I’m sorry for being a jerk at you.” 

“Thank you,” said Suzy. 

“I did the laundry,” said Arin. “And I sent Dan home.”

“I… I should apologize to him.” 

“Yeah,” said Arin. “But you wanna come home?” 

“... yeah,” said Suzy. 

“Anything you need when you get here?”

 

“I want to go to bed.” 

“We can do that.” 

* * * 

“Thanks for putting up with me,” she told Barry, as she made her way towards the car, nearly tripping on the giant borrowed flip flops. 

“I’m not putting up with you,” he said, and he kissed her forehead. “I like being around you. Remember that.” 

She blushed, but she nodded.

* * * 

Arin was on the couch, wearing pajama pants, and he looked up at her.

His expression was hard to read.

“Can I sit with you?” 

“Yeah,” said Arin, and he moved over to give her room.

“I’m sorry for… I’m sorry for throwing a tantrum,” said Suzy. “It’s been a long night. And… I had a lot of fun, don’t get me wrong, but I ended up in a new type of headspace, and then I was kinda… Dan made a mistake, he said something dumb -”

“I told him about your gender stuff,” Arin said. “He apologizes. He’s gonna apologize to you as well.” 

“Okay,” said Suzy. “I… in the future, maybe he could sleep on the bed and you could sleep on the couch?”

“So it’s not the bed, it’s the sleeping together?”

“It’s the sleeping together on the bed,” Suzy said. “Because… because that’s our bed.” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize it,” said Arin.

“It’s okay,” said Suzy. “I should have been more honest.”

“Maybe we should sit down and talk about our… exact limits,” said Arin. 

“I could write a list?” 

“We should both do that.” 

“Is that too… I dunno, clinical?”

“I don’t think so,” said Arin. 

“Thank you.”

“No,” said Arin, “thank _you_.” 

* * * 

She showed up at the office on Monday, to find a very sheepish Dan skulking near the kitchen area.

"Scuze," Dan said, and he was smiling at her, nervous. 

"What's up?" Suzy looked him up and down, her expression neutral. 

She was still... okay, things were okay with Arin. But she was still a bit on edge when she saw Dan.

Maybe she wasn't quite as above the jealousy as she had thought she was. 

"Can I talk to you? In private, I mean?"

"Sure," said Suzy, and she followed after him as he led her to the Grump room, which was currently empty of anyone.

It still smelled like there were people in it, though - she made a mental note to air this place out. 

And to get Arin more deodorant. 

"So Arin told me about your... gender stuff," Dan said, and he looked so uncomfortable, like he wanted to go run off someplace, but was standing here doggedly and taking it.

"Yeah?" 

Suzy tried to keep her tone neutral. 

"I... I'm sorry, I was out of line, saying that stuff," said Dan. "And... I'm sorry about the bed thing."

"It's okay," said Suzy, and it... mostly was, by now. "I wouldn't want you to have to sleep in cat piss."

"Yeah - Arin told me that Mimi had a bladder infection, and you had to take her to the vet?"

"Yeah," said Suzy. "She's been known to pee on our bed when she gets like that - this is the first time she's peed on the other one."

"Well," said Dan, and he cleared his throat, "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," said Suzy. "Just... don't do it again, maybe?"

"I won't," Dan said. "I promise." He paused. "Well, no, I can't promise not to be a bonehead, but I can at least promise that I'll try harder."

"That's a mature way of looking at it," Suzy said, her tone thoughtful. 

"What can I say? I'm a mature guy." Dan crossed his arms, looking amused. "I can even tie my shoes!"

Suzy snickered. 

"Thank you for the apology," she said. 

"You're welcome," said Dan. "Are we okay?"

"We're okay."

* * * 

"Hey, Barry?"

Suzy prodded him in the side, as he washed the dinner dishes.

It was three days later, and Suzy was spending the night.

"What's up?"

"I wanna do a scene," she said. "But I don't want to Top."

"You think you're done Topping?"

"Not forever," said Suzy quickly. "But I've been feeling kinda... stressy." 

"Yeah? What kinda scene would you like?"

She laid it out for him, and he was grinning before he'd finished his first sentence.

"That is _most certainly_ doable!" 

* * *

She sat on the bed, and she let him tie her up.

It was a bit strange, not wearing her dick during a scene. 

She hadn't realized how much she'd been using it lately - usually it was just... kinda there.

But she wasn't feeling like it right now, so why not, right?

So she let Barry tie her up, holding her hands out to be tied, being still as he did things with rope.

She kind of wanted to learn how to do rope herself, but it was a slow, slightly frustrating process, and she didn't really have the patience for it, at least at present. 

Her head was going quiet and foggy, the way it always did when she was tied up. 

She was still wearing her tank top, but Barry had shoved the neckline down carelessly, and her breasts were popped out.

She wasn't feeling as... dysphoric lately.

She'd done research, talked to people, done some soul searching.

"Hey Barry," Suzy said, unexpectedly, "what if I don't have a gender?"

"What, like being agender?"

"That's a thing?"

Barry paused, raising an eyebrow.

"I have no idea," he said. "But I don't know if now is the best time for this conversation."

"Oh. Right. Sorry." 

She always forgot that he needed quiet to do rope. He was usually pretty good about multitasking.

"Thank you," said Barry, and he kissed her. 

Could she be agender if she didn't have super dysphoria? Could she consider herself much of anything?

Maybe she was really a woman who just wanted to be seen as special, or something like that. 

But why concentrate on all of those worries, when she was being tied up in the here and now? 

So she let the rope hold her, squeeze her, let it keep her in place, until it was tight enough to leave marks, and Barry was stepping back, looking her up and down with a satisfied expression.

"And now," Barry said, "for the finishing touch!"

He attached the toy to the rope. Then he climbed onto the bed behind her, so that her head was resting on his shoulder, and he brought his hands around, holding her breasts in his hands. 

"So when you want me to stop -"

"I'll say red," Suzy said, her tone impatient. "We've discussed this before."

Barry snickered into the side of her neck, and his beard was ticklish. 

"Aren't you... mister impatient?"

"Impatient in general," Suzy suggested.

"That is very true," said Barry, and then he turned the toy on.

It was a magic wand.

It was a magic wand, and it was pressed right up against the whole of her vulva, with the edge of the bulbous head against her clit. 

She gasped, her hips jerking forward, as the buzzing started.

It was the familiar, garbage-disposal-stuck-on-something kind of rumble, and it was buzzing all the way down to her bones, her whole vulva - her whole clit, even the internal bits. 

She sobbed as she just... took it, wriggling in her bonds.

"I like you like this," Barry said in her ear. "Don't get me wrong, I love you.... I mean...."

He blushed, pressing his hot face into her neck.

Suzy laughed, high pitched, almost hysterical.

"I love you too, Bar," she told him, and then her first orgasm hit her, and she didn't really have a reaction to that, other than to shake, to let the orgasm wash over her, as the next one began to build up, more stimulation filling her nerves with more, more, _more_ , until she was cumming.

She squirted, or creamed, or something - there was extra wetness under her, and her thighs were smeared with it, dripping out of her, no doubt getting it all over the rope. 

And the vibrator just… kept… going. 

“Is it.. Does it make it w-w-weird?” 

Suzy tried to keep her tone reasonable, tried to talk like a person and not just a collection of nerves and bones being knocked around.

She probably wasn’t succeeding, but it was the thought that counted, right?

“What makes what weird?” 

He was pulling on her nipples, twisting them with the very tips of his fingers, that way that made her groan and gasp like she was in pain, squirming against him. 

She flopped her head back on his shoulder, and her second orgasm overtook her, a little fizz that left her sensitive, fluttering around nothing.

She desperately wanted something inside of her. 

She didn’t have the words to ask for it in a way that would make sense. 

“I love you,” Suzy mumbled, then said it louder, as Barry turned the toy up. 

The whine of it got more high pitched, and so did the sounds coming out of her mouth.

“Thank you,” said Barry, and her heart sank. 

“Do you not… I mean, you’re allowed not to… if you don’t….”

“I do,” said Barry, and he pressed a wet kiss to her equally sweaty temple. 

“How’s that, sweetheart? Do you like that?”

“Y-y-es,” Suzy groaned. “I’m yours,” she burst out. “I’m… I’m Arin’s, but I’m yours.” She paused, and she licked her lips. “I want you… I want you to choose a… I want you to choose a thing.”

“You’re mine,” Barry agreed, and he held her to his chest, rocking her gently as the toy forced another orgasm out of her, to the point it was getting painful. 

“I want… proof,” Suzy gasped, and she shuddered, more fluid dripping out of her. 

“Proof?” Kisses up and down her neck, a nip right under her ear, then a healthy bite of her shoulder, which sent her off to another orgasm.

She was just cumming.

She had always been cumming, she always would be cumming - the pain and the pleasure were mixed up, leaving her toes curling, her eyes rolling back in her skull. 

At some point, Barry removed the toy. 

She didn’t know when.

She became aware of the rope being taken off, as she lay on the bed and twitched, her pussy empty and overstimulated. 

He wrapped his body around her, and he held her, as she shuddered and jerked like she’d been electrocuted, his face in her neck. 

She came down, carefully. 

“Suzy,” Barry mumbled, “Mo. Sweetie. I… I want to ask for something.”

“What do you wanna ask for?” 

She rolled over, her forehead against his, and then breathed each other’s breath. 

“I want… I want you to collar me. To claim me.” He cleared his throat. “I’d even… I’d let you… you know.” He was blushing, his face dark red. 

“Let me what?”

“I… I mean, I want you to do things to me,” Barry said in a rush. “Like… hurt me more. Maybe… maybe, I mean…. I’m not a girl. I know I’m not. But I think I want to be pretty. And you know how to make someone pretty, someone who isn’t a girl.” He sighed in a rush. “I’m getting it all wrong. And I want you to fuck me. Like, up the butt. And I want you to collar me.”

“You want _me_ to collar _you_?”

That was… unexpected. 

“Yeah,” said Barry. “I’ve… I’ve never wanted to submit to anyone else before. I’ve never wanted to submit to anyone. Except you, and I want it to be you.”

“Oh,” said Suzy. 

This felt… she didn’t know what it felt like. 

But she cuddled up to him, her face pressed into his neck, and she breathed in his scent, as her body continued to shake. 

* * * 

They didn’t do the scene for another two weeks.

Suzy went to dinner with Arin and Dan, and it was… it was normal. It was distressingly normal. 

Arin held both of their hands under the table, and they joked around with each other.

Dan was awkward for about ten minutes about gender stuff, and then he just asked her.

And she tried to explain.

They all drank sparkling grape juice, and she and Dan made the same face when Arin ordered a giant, juicy, greasy burger. 

It was weird to think that this was her life now.

But she wasn’t going to complain too hard.

* * * 

Barry was nervous when he saw her at the office, eyeing her bag.

“Hi, sweetie,” said Suzy, and she leaned down and kissed him on the forehead.

He blushed.

“Hi,” Barry said.

“Can I leave my bag by your desk? I don’t want anyone to have to trip over it.” 

“S-sure,” said Barry, and he smiled at her. 

She smiled back, and dropped the duffel bag under his desk.

It would be by his foot all day, and he’d have to think about it every time he shifted position. 

* * * 

“So what’d you get me?”

Barry was sitting at the table, eating his sandwich. 

“That’s not very polite,” Suzy said, and she sat down next to him. 

“What’s not polite?” 

“Asking people what they got you,” said Suzy. She had her own sandwich. 

She took a bite out of it, and mustard splorted out, to dribble on the plate.

Suzy made a face. 

"Can I get a hint?" 

Barry batted his eyes at her.

Suzy snorted, and she poked him in the side.

"It's purple," she told him. 

"That doesn't help," Barry whined. 

Suzy raised an eyebrow, and Barry looked down at his plate, blushing.

"Sorry," he said, and he sounded like he meant it. "I'm just trying to... get into character."

"Character?"

"I want to try... you know, being someone else, for a bit," said Barry. "I know that your gender stuff isn't the same thing, but I've noticed that you sometimes try being a different person, and I'm kinda curious about it."

"Fair enough," said Suzy, and she reached out to pat him on the hand.

She didn't realize that she had mustard on her own hand, until he made a disgusted noise.

She grinned in spite of herself, because how could she not? 

At least she had the good grace to give him a napkin.

* * *

Barry was downright shy when they got to his place, and he cleared his throat.

"Do you want me to, um... do you want me to do anything?"

"I'd kind of like to shave your legs," Suzy admitted. "Which must sound pretty weird."

Barry shrugged. 

"I'm asking you to put me in a dress and makeup," he pointed out.

"That's not that weird," said Suzy. "I mean, I'm not exactly a woman, and I've been wearing them for a while."

"... fair point," said Barry, and he grinned, sheepish. "I'm just kinda new at this gender stuff, I think."

"Like I'm not?" Suzy laughed, a bit unsteadily, and she ran her fingers over the sides of her head. "Um. Do you think, later, you could buzz my head? I'm getting fuzzy again."

"Of course," said Barry.

"But first," said Suzy, "let's get that hair off those legs, hmm?"

Barry nodded, still blushing.

* * * 

It took four razors to get his legs smooth to the thigh. 

She'd insisted on that, and he was patient, sitting in the bathtub with her, his legs draped across her lap. 

She even shaved the tops of his feet, which he said felt really weird.

But now his legs were smooth, and he was standing in the bedroom, naked as the day he was born, his legs smooth and soft.

"I don't think I've ever been this hairless," Barry said. 

"You weren't born covered in hair," Suzy pointed out, rummaging through the bag. 

She tossed him a pair of panties, made of purple lace. 

He pulled them on carefully, gingerly, and then he was blushing, staring down at his feet.

He was beginning to get hard, and Suzy smiled. 

A dick in a pair of panties was... appealing.

Maybe she'd try doing that herself some time. 

* * *

In the end, she had him in fishnet stockings, with a short purple dress.

He looked adorable, and she told him so.

"You sure it isn't too... weird? You know, beard and a dress?"

"You look... amazing," she told him, and she meant it. 

"Can I kiss you?"

"I dunno," Suzy said, and she sat on the bed. "Have you earned it?"

She was just wearing a pair of his pajama pants, and a tank top. 

Should she have been wearing her dick while she was dominating him?

... nah.

It was nice to wear it, but she didn't feel like she needed it right now. She didn't need a dick to Top him.

"What do I need to do to earn it?" Barry stood in front of her, and he was blushing harder.

"Let me do your makeup first," said Suzy.

"Yeah?"

"Oh yes," said Suzy. "But... I want you to sit in my lap while I do it."

"Won't that be kinda... wobbly?"

"It's your job to stay still," Suzy told Barry. "Can you do that for me, sweetie?"

"Yes, sir," said Barry. 

"Good girl," said Suzy, and okay, that had come out of nowhere, but she wasn't going to complain too hard.

She liked the way Barry took a deep breath, his face turning redder.

* * * 

And then he was sitting in her lap, straddling it, and she was very carefully applying eyeliner.

"This must be weird," said Barry, and he was trying very hard to stay still, and not wobble.

His chest was pressed right up against hers, and she could feel the shape of his bra through the thin fabric of the dress.

They were both a little tight - he would probably have a few red marks on his skin.

She'd have to kiss them better.

"Why?"

"Well, you're not doing it for yourself, you're doing it for someone else," said Barry. "Plus... you know, you're doing it on a dude."

"I've done Arin's makeup before," Suzy pointed out. "And... well, I've kinda realized I was always trying to get my face to look more... feminine."

"You've got - that is, uh...." Barry paused. "I'm just gonna stick my foot in my mouth if I keep trying, aren't I?"

Suzy shrugged.

"It was... a mask. Is a mask," she said. "It makes me look different, it makes me look like someone who isn't me, and I worked really hard to look like someone who wasn't me for a very long time, because... that wasn't who I was, but I didn't know how to be anyone else."

"That makes sense," said Barry. 

"Does it feel like a mask to you?"

"I've worn theatrical makeup before," Barry pointed out, as Suzy began to work on the eye shadow. "Although never such fancy makeup."

She smiled at him. 

"Can I ask an awkward question?" Barry sounded a bit nervous. 

"I mean, I feel like we're beyond awkward at this point," said Suzy. 

"Well, yes, okay, we kind of are," said Barry. "But still. Are you still going to do... you know, the makeup and the fancy clothes and all that stuff?"

Suzy paused.

"... I think so," she said finally. "I mean, I like doing it. It's fun, putting on a costume. But... I don't know if it'll be the only thing that I'd do. If it'd be the only thing I'd try, in terms of... well, all of it."

"What do you mean?"

"I kinda made a name for myself, originally, by having a makeup, super femme YouTube channel. And I don't know if that's who I am, or even a role I want to play anymore. I think I need to figure all of that stuff out first."

"That makes sense," said Barry.

"It's why I've been doing so many LPs."

"You are good at those," Barry pointed out.

"Thank you," said Suzy, and she blushed, pressing her face into his shoulder for a moment, before going back to his eye shadow.

"I'm sorry," said Barry. "I think I kind of ruined the mood."

"It's alright," said Suzy. "I'm sure we can get it back without too much work."

"Oh yeah?" Barry made eye contact, one eyebrow going up.

She grabbed his ass and gave it a hard squeeze. 

He made a surprised noise, and she laughed. 

"See?"

"I believe you," Barry squeaked.

"Now I need you to be quiet," she told him. "I'm going to do your lips now." 

So he was quiet, just kinda... staring at her, wide eyed.

She smiled at him as she applied the lip liner, then the lip gloss - lipstick would be a bit too much, and also stain _everything_ , with the plans she had. 

"I'm done," Suzy said, when it was finally finished, and she patted him on the hip. 

He made to get up, but she squeezed him.

"What do you want me to do to you?" 

"I want you to fuck me in the ass," Barry blurted out.

"... what, now?"

"I mean," Barry cleared his throat, "maybe now is kinda inconvenient, but... I mean, I did... that is, I'm cleaner than I usually am."

"Did you have an enema?" Suzy raised an eyebrow. 

She wasn't expecting that.

"No, but, not to be gross, I took a really big shit right before we left the office."

"... huh," said Suzy. "I mean, um... I'm not wearing my dick."

"Did you bring it?" 

Barry's voice was a bit breathless.

"Yeah," Suzy said. 

"Would you want to try it?"

"... sure," said Suzy.

She had planned on making him eat her out, then ride him, but what the hell, if he was up for trying new things, why not go whole hog?

But first, she was going to have a bit of fun. 

"You're such a pretty girl," Suzy said. "Can I... can I kiss you? I want to kiss such a pretty girl."

"Oh geez," Barry mumbled, and she pulled him closer, so that they were chest to chest, breathing each other's breath, their foreheads pressed against each other. 

She kissed him, and he tasted sweet, like the lip gloss, and he was soft and tender against her. 

The dress was soft as well, and she ran her fingers across his back, the line of his bra stark through the dress.

"You're so pretty," Suzy mumbled against Barry's lips.

"And you're handsome," Barry mumbled back.

"It's about you," said Suzy, and she patted his hip. "Lie on the bed."

* * * 

He was flat on his back in the bed, and he was looking at her over the curve of his belly and down the line of his legs.

She was crouched at the end of the bed, the way he had been with her, so many times.

She made eye contact with him, and she grinned. 

Then she kissed his foot.

He looked at her, a bit nonplussed. 

"I like girl's feet," Suzy said, and she smiled at him, then took his toes into her mouth.

The fishnet was rough against her tongue.

"F-f-fair... fair enough," Barry said, and then he groaned like he had been punched, his hips stuttering forward. "Oh my _god_ , holy fuck, Mo, Suze, I... oh my _fuck_!" 

He was humping the air, his cock hard and desperate in his panties, the head leaking hard enough to leave a big wet spot, which was drooling through the lace of his panties.

She kissed up his leg, licking it, and the skin was smooth, the fishnet rough.

The hem of the dress was at his mid thigh, and it rode up higher every time he squirmed, his legs falling open. 

"Just like that," Suzy said, and she was on her belly now, between his legs, nuzzling into the soft skin of his now hairless thighs. "Baby... baby, I wanna eat your pussy."

"Y-yeah?"

"Yeah," said Suzy. "Can I?"

"You can. Totally can." Barry was breathless.

"Anyone else ever touch your pussy like this?" Suzy crept closer, and she nuzzled his cock through his panties, kissing the head of it through the fishnet and lace.

"You're... you're the first one," Barry mumbled, his legs falling further open. "Please...."

"Please what?"

"Please touch my pussy," said Barry.

"Well," said Suzy, "since you asked so nicely."

She traced her index finger along the length of his cock, pressing down gently, then a little harder, and he squirmed under her, panting. 

"You feel... warm," Suzy said, and she found the head, pressing down on it with her thumb, almost curving her hand around it. 

"I'm so wet," Barry said, and his voice broke. 

"I can tell," said Suzy, and she smiled at him shyly. "I... you're so wet, it's gonna make my fingers prune up."

She began to rub him, right through the fishnet, and he moaned, arching against her hand, squirming.

"You feel really good," said Barry. "Your fingers... rubbing my clit, it feels so good."

He was blushing, his whole face as dark as a beet, and he was mumbling little bits and pieces of things as she did it. 

"Do you want me to fuck you?" Suzy kissed the head of his cock again, and she sucked on it clumsily, staining the fabric through the lace and the fishnet.

"Oh, yes," Barry said. "Please. I want you to fuck me so badly."

"How do you want me to fuck you?"

"With your dick, and with your fingers, with... with whatever you want to fuck me with," Barry panted.

His eye makeup was starting to run, as he grew sweatier. 

"I'll have to take your stockings off," said Suzy, and that was a genuine regret.

"Just... rip them," said Barry.

"Rip them?"

"They're the cheap ones, right? From the drug store."

"As if I'd put you in cheap stockings," Suzy said, sounding slightly offended.

"Fine, fine," Barry said. "Hold on."

* * *

There was an awkward moment of wriggling - Suzy was sorely tempted to rip the stockings, but no, they were nice. 

She wanted to put him in them again.

"I've got lube and gloves in the drawer," Barry said, indicating the bedside table.

"I know," said Suzy, and she laughed. "We've done this before, ya know." She went over to her bag, kicking Barry's pajama pants off and pulling her dick on carefully.

It waggled between her legs when she walked. 

"Well, yeah, but not this way." 

He shoved the panties down as well, and they were dangling off of one leg, leaving his cock out, drooling on the dress.

Suzy found the gloves. They were a bit too big for her hands, but she managed to make it work. She found the lube as well, and she squeezed it across her fingers.

"Are you ready?"

She was sitting between his legs now, and she was indicating for him to lift his hips up.

"I'm not sure, but I'm willing to try," said Barry, and he chuckled, a bit nervous. 

"You sure?"

"Totally sure."

"Okay," said Suzy, and she gently traced along his hole, before inserting the very tip of her finger into him. 

"That feels... weird," said Barry, wearing a concentrating expression. 

"Do you want me to keep doing it?"

"Yes, please," said Barry. "Maybe a little deeper?"

She went deeper, carefully, and he squirmed, until she was all the way to the knuckle. 

"Is this what it's like for you?"

"A little bit," said Suzy. "I mean, I'm not entirely sure? I've had things in my butt before, so I know what that feels like."

"What's it feel like getting penetrated... you know, being vaginally penetrated?"

"It's... different," Suzy said finally, and her finger went in deeper, until it was all the way in. 

"Huh," said Barry. "That's... interesting."

She curled her finger, and she felt along inside of him, until he went stiff under her.

"Please do that again," Barry said. 

"Do what?" Suzy teased, pressing down on his prostate again.

"That," Barry moaned, and he tilted his head back, arching his back and grinding forward, his cock leaking even more pre.

"How about I add another finger first?"

"That... sounds like a good idea," said Barry. 

* * *

In the end, she got four fingers in him, and he groaned and gasped and sobbed, wriggling under her, and humping forward, his cock practically _bouncing_. 

"Please," said Barry, and now he was full on begging. "Please, Mo, Suzy, whichever, please, I need your cock, please, fuck, _please_!"

"Gimme a sec," Suzy said, pulling the glove off carefully, then grabbing for her cock, ripping open a condom to roll onto it.

Then there was more lube, and she was pushing the head of her cock into him.

"Oh," Barry said thickly. "It's in."

"Is it? That's good."

She didn't know what she was feeling.

Something complicated.

Something scary.

Something she wanted to keep poking, like the gap when you lose a tooth. 

So she pushed all the way into him, until the harness was resting against his ass.

"You've got... you have such a big dick," said Barry. "I can feel it inside of me. I can feel it twitching."

Suzy made a noise that might have been a sob, and she drew her hips back, then pushed them forward, fucking him. 

She fucked him the way she'd been fucked, fucked him with a terrifying ferocity that she didn't entirely understand, except that he was staring at her wide eyed, moaning and gasping and begging for more.

Her hand found his dick, and she grabbed it, still slippery with lube, which made him arch against her and moan. 

He was clenching around her - the dildo was being pulled into him, and his cock was already beginning to swell, the heartbeat thudding against her palm.

"Oh my god," Suzy groaned, and her thrusts became shallow - her hips were already beginning to get sore, her back ache, but Barry was getting redder, he was getting even more swollen, and he was making desperate little noises, which drove her harder, until he was erupting in her hand, his makeup smeared, the dress bunched up around his belly.

He came all over his belly, and they were going to have to wash it - they were going to wash the sheets, from the makeup. 

"Barry," Suzy said thickly, not sure what she was saying, just going with it as her anxiety spiked. "Barry. I want to sit on your face."

"Can you take your dick off first, please?" 

He was still twitching from his orgasm - it must have been an intense one.

"Yeah, sure," Suzy said, and she pulled out of him quickly, almost too quickly, and then she was kicking her harness off, knee walking up his chest.

She sat on his face with no preamble, with no ceremony, just rested her weight on his chin, her clit pressed against his nose.

And he ate her out.

He licked and licked, focusing on her clit, until she was shuddering on top of him, wet and desperate against him, and her pussy was clenching around nothing.

She fell off of him, flopping onto the bed, and she curled up around herself.

Why was she crying? 

Why was she shaking?

What was going on?

Barry was wrapping his arms around her, nuzzling into her neck, kissing along it gently, stroking her back and her sides.

"It's okay," Barry said quietly. "It's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

He pressed his soft, slightly ticklish face into the side of her neck, and she kept crying.

* * * 

It was easier to cry without makeup, and she cried herself out, eventually, rolling onto her side to look Barry in the face.

"I'm sorry," she said. 

"It's okay," said Barry. "Would you be okay talking about what happened?"

"I...." She cleared her throat. "I'm not sure how to describe it."

"Could ya try?"

"It's like... I've pegged Arin before, and I've always been kind of detached," said Suzy, staring past his face to the dresser, wearing a thinking face. "It was a thing I did with Arin, because it made him happy, and I like making him happy, and he usually ate me out like a champ after that. But it wasn't... I don't know."

"Maybe because it was before you realized some... stuff about yourself?"

"I did usually find it kinda... unsatisfying," Suzy admitted. "But I figured it was just one of those things."

"One of those things?"

"Those things you do for your partner," Suzy said. "You know, to make them feel good?"

"Oh," said Barry. "I think I understand."

"Like when you suck my dick," said Suzy.

"But I like doing that," Barry pointed out.

"What, really?"

"Oh yeah," said Barry. "There's a reason I ask for it, you know."

"I honestly thought it was just because you thought it made you more submissive, or something like that," said Suzy. "Or you were just humoring me."

Barry flopped onto his back, his hands behind his head. The cum on his belly and his dress was already drying, getting flaky. 

"Can I admit to a weird thing?"

"I dunno," said Suzy, giving him a Look. "I'm not sure if I can deal with anything that's even _moderately_ out of the ordinary."

Barry prodded her.

Suzy prodded him back.

"Dicks are, like, the perfect shape for my mouth," he admitted. "I just really like sucking on them. There's something... satisfying about it, you know?"

"Yeah," Suzy said. "Or maybe you're just made to suck cock."

"Oh god," Barry groaned, and he rolled onto his back, covering his face with both hands. 

"You're cute when you're embarrassed," Suzy teased, and she kissed him on the cheek, his beard rough under her lips.

He still smelled musky, like her orgasm. 

"I... think I like it," he said, and his expression was thoughtful. 

"Like what?"

"Being embarrassed," said Barry.

"What kind of embarrassed?"

"That I'm not so sure about yet," said Barry. "Since I know there are, like, a billion different ways to do that." 

"Yeah," said Suzy, thinking of all the scenes she'd seen at the club. "And I don't think I'd be comfortable with some of the other stuff that's offered. I can't see myself diapering you, or, like, calling you a worm."

"I refuse to see "worm" as an insult," said Barry, putting on a voice that was pretty close to Holly's tone when she was getting into lecture mode. "They perform a vital function in the ecosystem."

Suzy groaned, prodding him.

"You're a dork," she told him.

"But I'm your dork," he said, and he blushed as he said it, but didn't change what he said.

"Do you want to be?"

"What, be yours?"

"Yeah."

"... I'd like that," said Barry. "If you'd like to collar me, I mean."

"I would," Suzy said slowly. "I just need to figure out how we'd do it first."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean, we're both switches, right?"

She’d never thought of herself as a switch before, but fuck it. 

"Right."

"So we'd both be collaring each other. It'd feel weird for us to do it at the same time, because the whole point of collaring is for one person to be in charge of the other, right?"

"I don't see it like that," said Suzy. 

"No?"

"I mean... me and Arin are married, and I wear a wedding ring," she pointed out. "Although this isn't like a wedding."

"I should hope it'll be less fuss than your wedding was," Barry teased.

Suzy snorted, and prodded him in the side again, hard enough that he made a disgruntled noise and tried to squirm away. 

"Just for that, I'm gonna plan a whole... ceremony," said Suzy, flopping flat on her back and stretching. 

She was still wearing a shirt, and it rode up over her belly, which was soft. 

One of her nipples was poking out, and she made a face, shoving her shirt back down. 

She wasn't sure how she felt about all of that nonsense, but it was... uncomfortable. 

Those breasts were there. They didn't entirely feel part of her, but they'd always felt like they weren't part of her.

Why was she getting all of these ideas when she was lying here with Barry, after a truly glorious orgasm?

Admittedly, there was a panic attack right after it, but why focus on that, right?

She laughed, verging on hysterical, and she cuddled up to him.

Everything was complicated and weird, and she was gonna roll with it, because what else can you do?

"... would you really want to do a collaring ceremony?" 

"I mean, if you really wanted to?" Suzy shrugged. "I remember that one collaring ceremony we saw, and that was kinda... uncomfortable."

It was immensely uncomfortable. Everything was too intimate, and she didn't even know those people. 

"What, the whole "I will be Master's only cocksucker", or the bit where he made her kiss his shoes?"

"You've kissed my shoes," Suzy pointed out. "That wasn't too weird."

"Well, yeah, but that was... different."

"What happened to the kink tomato?"

"... kink tomato?" He looked at her sidelong.

"Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's Okay," said Suzy promptly. 

"How does that turn into kink tomato?"

"If you look at it sideways when you make it into an acronym, it looks like that," she said. 

Barry snorted.

"I need to shower," he said. "And probably do the laundry."

"In a minute," Suzy mumbled, and she draped herself across him. "You're warm. I don't want you to go anywhere."

"I live to serve," Barry murmured, and his voice rumbled in her ear.

* * * 

A few days later, Suzy was at the office, browsing Reddit.

That was a problem.

It was a... particular Reddit, and there were a bunch of people (who were probably dudes) talking about her boobs.

They were talking about other stuff, but it was the stuff that was about her boobs that pissed her off the most.

They didn't seem to exist... for her. 

They existed for everyone else, but not for her. 

They were just kinda... there. 

She scowled, closed the browser, and stared down at her chest.

Hmm.

Dan, walking by, glanced over at her. 

"You look angry."

"I hate Reddit," said Suzy. "Also, can I ask a weird question?"

"Is it related to Reddit?"

"Nope."

"Come at me," said Dan, and he leaned back, his butt pressing into the lip of the desk. 

"Do you ever feel like your body... doesn't belong to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, your body only kinda exists for other people."

"I've never felt like that before," Dan said. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," said Suzy, and she sighed. "I guess I need to figure out how to fix this."

"You could always get another tattoo," Dan suggested. "Those usually cheer you up, right?"

"Yeah, but my artist is booked up for months," said Suzy.

"Dan, get your ass in here," Arin called from the recording room.

"I hope you feel better," Dan said, and he offered her a conciliatory pat on the head. 

Suzy endured it, because he meant well. 

Although that gave her an idea. 

Hmm. 

"Hey, Arin?"

"Mmm?" 

"Can I go on my lunch break early?"

"Sure," said Arin. "Can you bring me back something?"

"Sure, sure," said Suzy. 

She was already googling locations for what she was looking for. 

* * *

She bit her lip when the needle pierced her, but she didn't cry. 

It hurt more than she thought it would, but it wasn't too bad.

* * *

She came back to the office, walking carefully.

When Barry glanced at her, she smiled, a bit nervous.

... shit.

Maybe she should have told Barry and Arin about this. 

That was probably what she should have done. Not so much because she needed permission, but because, well... they interacted with her boobs a lot. 

It was a good idea to tell them when stuff had changed. 

But she'd do that later.

For now, she set Arin's sandwich down on her desk, took out her own, and went back to editing. 

* * *

"Are you okay?" 

Ross was looking at her with a concerned expression.

"What's up?"

"Hm?"

"You wince every time you lean forward," Ross said.

"Why are you watching me lean forward?"

"Because you make this little upset noise when you do it as well, and I'm sitting across from you without headphones, so it's kinda hard to miss."

Ross paused, glancing down at her chest, and he frowned. "Also, um. Not to be too forward, but you're bleeding."

"I am?"

Suzy looked down. 

There were twin spots of blood, right over her nipples.

"Goddamn it."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Suzy said. "The piercer didn't pack the bandages right."

"Piercer?"

"I got my nipples pierced."

"... what, on your lunch break?"

"Yeah," said Suzy. "Why do you look so shocked?"

"I mean, if I was gonna let someone stick a piece of metal through some part of me, I'd want to be able to, you know, relax after it happened, instead of having to go back to work."

"It's not that bad," said Suzy. "Also, you're a wuss."

"I am _not_ a wuss," Ross protested. 

"You're totally a wuss," said Suzy. 

"How would you know?"

"I can sense wussitude," said Suzy, and she made waggling finger motions.

Ross snorted. 

* * * 

She reapplied the bandages on her nipples, glancing down at the piercings. 

A titanium bar in each one, going through it horizontally. 

She would get them done vertically as well, but the piercer had told her that she needed to let it heal, before she tried anything else. 

It was... it hurt, but in a weird way, it was satisfying. 

Nobody would have to know about this - it would be all her - and nipple rings were hot on _anyone_ , regardless of gender.

So fuck it. 

She dabbed some peroxide on her shirt (thank god for keeping some of it on hand, even at the office) and went back to work.

* * *

“You really got your nipples pierced?” 

Arin sounded… something. 

She couldn’t tell.

“How’d you find out?”

“Ross told me.”

Now Arin was leaning against her desk. She’d have to start putting a cushion there, the way everyone seemed to use it like a chair. 

“Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Why did you tell Ross before you told me? Are you planning on getting together with him? Is Holly okay with the polyamory thing?”

Arin was pouting, just a bit. 

Suzy resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

“He saw that I was bleeding on my shirt,” said Suzy. “I didn’t want him to think that I was dying of some kind of weird nipple bleeding disease or something.”

“Nipple bleeding disease?” 

Barry poked his head up from his computer.

“To go with your sneeze powered laser nipples,” Suzy said, in a “well, obviously” tone of voice.

Arin looked confused.

“... what?” 

“Don’t ask,” said Suzy. 

Arin rolled his eyes. 

“So you got your nipples pierced,” said Barry, and he looked a bit surprised. “I didn’t know you were interested in that.”

“I’ve been… curious,” Suzy admitted. “And at least all of this feels a bit more attached to… well, me, versus just kinda being there.”

“With your dysphoria?”

“Yeah,” said Suzy, smiling at Arin gratefully. ‘That.”

“Well,” said Barry. “Could we, uh… could we see them?”

“What, right now?”

“Sure,” said Arin. “Nobody else is around.”

“But someone could walk in,” Suzy said, faintly scandalized.

“We can go into the empty recording room,” said Arin, and he made his way towards it. 

Huh.

So she’d be some flavor of naked around both of her partners at once.

This was a new thing.

It was a new thing she was willing to try out, at the very least.

So she stood up, and she followed them, trying not to wince every time her bra rubbed against her the wrong way.

* * * 

“Why’s it so bloody?” 

Suzy stood in front of Barry and Arin, her shirt and her bra pulled up, her breasts hanging down freely. 

She removed the gauze, carefully, and she looked down. 

There was a little bit of blood, dried around the “bells” of the barbell, but it wasn’t too swollen. 

“It suits you,” said Barry. 

“Yeah,” said Arin, and he smiled at her. “You wanna get your septum done all over again?”

“Maybe,” said Suzy. “Can i put my shirt back down?” 

“Yeah, sorry,” said Arin. “Anything you need?”

“Gimme a kiss,” Suzy said, as she fixed her bra. 

They both did, and she was pleased.

* * * 

That evening found her brushing her teeth, a shot glass of salt water against her nipple.

Arin stared at her, clearly half asleep.

“What are you doing?” 

“Huh?”

“What are you doing?” 

“... soaking my piercing?”

“But you’re not soaking it,” he said. “Where did you get a shot glass?”

“Brian gave it to us, remember? When he went to that one amusement park.” 

“... oh yeah.” 

“What are you doing with it?”

“I’m making sure that it doesn’t get infected,” Suzy said, and she spit out her mouthful of toothpaste.

“Oh,” said Arin. “What would happen if it got infected?”

“It would get green,” said Suzy. “The term” oozing pus” was used.”

“... ew.” 

“You did ask,” said Suzy. 

“Why are you doing that to yourself?”

“Because it looks good,” said Suzy. “And those creeps won’t know about it.”

“That’s fair,” said Arin. “Can I have the sink?”

“Gimme a minute,” said Suzy, and she switched nipples.

* * * 

“What kind of collar would you like?” 

“What do you mean?”

Suzy took a bite out of her pancakes. 

They were coming home from the party - both of them were bruised and tired, but satisfied. 

“There are a bunch of different types of collars,” said Barry. “There’s eternity collars, leather ones that are all fancy but not really good for the day to day stuff, there’s rings, ceremonial lockets, tattoos….” 

“... wow,” said Suzy. “That is a lot of stuff.”

“Any ideas what you want?”

“I think I know what I _don’t_ want,” Suzy said, “if that’s okay?”

“That sounds like it’ll work,” said Barry. “I think I know what I want.”

“You want a big ol’ tattoo with “Property of Suzy” on it,” said Suzy. “Right on your face.”

“It’d be “Property of Mo,” wouldn’t it?” 

“... huh,” said Suzy.

Truth be told, she was still getting used to thinking of herself as Mo. 

Or of even thinking of herself as something other than a “herself,” because it was all just… a bit of a mess. 

“This shit is complicated,” Suzy mumbled. 

“What’s complicated? Being in a D/s relationship?”

“Yeah, and gender stuff, and... all of it.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re sharing it with me,” said Barry, and he squeezed her fingers. 

She smiled at him, and took another bite of pancakes. 

* * * 

She found his collar at the flea market, two weeks later. 

She wasn’t even looking for it, but she tripped over the thing, and as soon as she saw it, she smiled. 

“Find something interesting?” Holly glanced over.

“Oh, definitely,” said Suzy, and she smiled. 

* * * 

_Wanna go to dinner tomorrow?_

_Sure, any place in particular?_

_Someplace nice_

_What kind of nice?_

_I’ll wear a tie_

Suzy paused, looking at her phone and trying not to think too hard. 

_What do I wear?_

_Come over to my place - we’re about the same size_

_Thank you. Will this place be bothered at me not wearing a dress?_

_If they are, they can go fuck themselves_

* * * 

She arrived at his house, bag over her shoulder, and he smiled at her. 

“You ready?”

“I’m ready.”

Barry cleared his throat. 

“I, um… would you rather I give you your gift at the restaurant, or here?”

“Here, please,” said Suzy. “I don’t want someone to think you’re proposing to me, or something.”

“I’m not proposing to you,” Barry said.

“But you’re giving me… something or other,” said Suzy. “Unless I’m assuming stuff? About ceremonial stuff, I mean.” She caught his face, and her heart sank. Shit. “I, uh, I have something to give to you,” she added quickly. 

“What, really?” He blushed. 

“Yeah,” said Suzy. 

"How about we save that for after dinner? To make it more... intimate?" 

Barry laughed, looking sheepish. "I'm sorry. This feels a little silly."

"What does?"

"All this agonizing about giving each other gifts at exactly the right moment. That's not how proposals work, is it?"

"I mean," Suzy said, following him upstairs towards his bedroom, "most of the proposals I've known has been two people lying in bed, and one of them says to the other "Hey, wanna get married?" and they kinda go from there." 

"Yeah? I didn't realize that," said Barry, as Suzy sat on the bed. 

"Marriage is a lot less romantic than they show it in the movies," said Suzy. 

"I dunno," said Barry, and he smiled at her, a bit shy, as he began rooting through his closet. "I think there's something sweet about that."

"Yeah?"

"Like... not standing on theatrics. Just letting stuff happen on its own."

"That makes sense," said Suzy. 

"Now," said Barry, and he cleared his throat. "What do you think of this one?" 

He held up a dark green shirt.

"Can I look through your stuff? If that's not too... you know, overstepping?"

"Be my guest," said Barry, and he took a step back. 

* * *

Suzy eventually settled on a black button down shirt, with a silvery tie printed with ivy.

She looked a bit like she was trying to be a bodyguard, or maybe a try hard teenager at a goth club, but screw it.

She looked nice, and Barry said she looked nice.

She even tied her hair back, and used makeup to bring out her jaw.

She looked... good. 

Decent. 

Huh. 

Maybe she was better at this than she thought she was.

Although she still couldn't shake off the feeling that she was doing it wrong. Especially when she still thought of herself as "she," which was beginning to chafe.

But what else was she going to do?

"Suze?"

"Hm?"

She looked up at Barry, looking a tad embarrassed.

"You're getting lost in your head," Barry told her, and he tapped her forehead gently. 

She took his hand and kissed his palm.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"It's alright," said Barry. "I know how easy it is to do that."

"So are we going?"

"We're going."

* * * 

The restaurant was called Cuatro Gatos, and Suzy laughed out loud when she saw the sign, which had three cats sitting on a fence, drinking wine. 

"I knew you'd like it here," said Barry, and he kissed her.

She kissed him back.

* * *

“So this place specializes in fancy fish,” said Barry. “Although they have some other stuff as well.”

“How’d you find out about it?”

“Dan,” said Barry. “He took a girl here once.”

“He should take Arin here,” said Suzy, opening her menu. “So what would you recommend?”

Huh.

She was… okay with Dan dating Arin. 

Full on dating. 

How far she’d come.

“Well….” 

* * * 

Suzy was being lifted by a million bubbles, the sweetness of it filling her chest like a star, and she was blushing, still holding his hand the whole time.

"So, um," said Barry, when they got back to his house. "Can you stay here, and close your eyes?"

"Sure," said Suzy, and she did indeed keep her eyes closed, sitting on the couch.

It was a little bit like rope space - she was calm, she was sitting still, and she was breathing.

And then Barry was standing in front of her, his hand on her shoulder.

"Hold your hand out," he told her quietly. 

She did. 

The hand left her shoulder, and there was some rustling noises as he did... something.

Then there was a heaviness around her wrist, and she resisted the urge to look down at it. 

"You can open it now," he said. 

She did, looking down.

It was a bracelet. 

A thick cuff bracelet, with skulls on either end of it. There were bats etched into the top of it, in a swooping, repeating pattern. 

"Oh," said Suzy, and she sounded... surprised.

"That's a day collar," Barry said quickly. "I want to pick out a play collar with you for, like, playing, but if you wanted to wear a collar in the day to day, that's... that's it."

"Oh," Suzy said, and she ran her fingers along the bats.

It was very... her.

Fuck.

She loved him.

She honest to god loved this sweet, considerate man, who gave her thoughtful gifts, who made her cry, who made her feel things, who let her make him feel things.

She kissed him, and he kissed her back, his finger tangling in her ponytail, tugging on it gently.

She was getting _very_ into the kiss, but then she pulled back, panting. 

"Look at the inside," Barry said, pressing his forehead against hers, still panting. 

She pulled it off, tracing her fingers over the eye sockets of one of the skulls, and read the inside. 

"To Mo, from Bar," it read..

She was smiling now, full on smiling. 

"That's lovely," she said, and she slipped it back on.

It was heavy, a solid weight around her wrist.

"I'm glad you like it," he said. 

"It's an excellent collar."

"Good," said Barry, and then he laughed. "I was worried it was too... you know, impractical."

"Impractical?"

"Yeah," said Barry. "Because, you know, those bracelets always fall off my wrists."

"I've never had that problem," said Suzy. "Do you, uh... do you want yours? Although it isn't as nice as this."

"I'm sure it's perfect," said Barry. 

Suzy went back upstairs, to dig through her duffel bag. When she came back, Barry was leaning against the back of the couch, looking nervous.

"Are you okay?" She approached him cautiously, a small box in her hand.

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Barry. "I've never really been given a gift like this before."

"What, intensely emotionally significant with weird cultural baggage?" 

Suzy tried to keep it light.

"... something like that," said Barry.

Suzy grinned. 

"First time for everything," she said cheerfully, and she handed him the small velvet box. "I, um... I hope you like it."

He opened the box up, and he stared.

Suzy licked her lips, and tried not to fidget too hard, although it was very hard.

Anxiety was boiling in her stomach like a teakettle, and she fancied if she opened her mouth it would all whistle out. 

"It's lovely," Barry said, and he cleared his throat.

"I, um, I also want to get you a proper collar," she told him. "For play, I mean, but in the meantime, we've got, um, you've got a nice day collar, if you want to wear it."

He took the necklace out of the box. 

"Can you help me put it on?"

"Yeah, of course," said Suzy, and she turned him around, fastening the necklace around his neck. 

Then she looked down at it, admiring it. 

It was a silver charm - a silly charm - of a cat playing the ukulele. 

"It's very you," Suzy said.

"It really is," said Barry, and he turned around and kissed her.

"So... I now declare you collared," said Suzy, and then she burst out laughing.

Barry looked at her quizzically, and he kissed her forehead, before beginning to laugh as well, loudly and through his nose. 

“You may kiss your… collarer,” he said, and then he did kiss her, and they were still laughing when their lips met.

* * * 

She wore the bracelet all the time, running her fingers along it as she was thinking. 

She did a lot of thinking, as of late.

About how she felt about herself, about who she was. 

About all this gender nonsense.

At least she was coming to a conclusion.

But she wanted to… announce it. 

Somehow. 

It was Arin who - accidentally - offered a solution.

* * * 

“So I’ve got this free pass to Dave and Buster’s,” said Arin, about a month after she and Barry had collared each other. 

“Yeah?”

“Well, technically,” said Arin, “I’ve got four.”

“How’d you manage that?” 

“A fan sent them,” he said. 

“Why four?”

“I have no idea,” said Arin. “Maybe so we could go twice.” He cleared his throat. “But… how would you feel about a double date” 

“A double date?” 

Suzy looked down at the apples in the fruit bowl, then picked one up, turning it over and feeling with her fingers to make sure it was still good.

Satisfied, she took a bite. 

It crunched, loud enough to fill her head. 

“You and Barry, plus me and Dan?” 

Arin leaned against the opposite counter, his hands behind his head, looking incredibly uncomfortable, but resolute.

“We’re… we’ve been behaving pretty well, as separate entities, but Dan and Barry were our friends before they were our partners, and I miss that.”

“Yeah?”

She tried to imagine seeing Dan and Arin together, being affectionate. 

There wasn’t the familiar stone in her stomach, like she was used to.

If anything, she was… calm. 

“You think you’d be okay with that? With seeing me and Barry together, I mean.”

“I… think so?” He shrugged. “I mean, worst case scenario, I can go home.” 

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” 

She kissed him, and he made a face.

“You got apple juice on my beard,” he complained.

She patted his cheek in consolation, and he kissed her palm. 

* * * 

“Dave and Buster’s? I haven’t been there in an age,” said Barry. “Count me in!”

“What about you, Dan?” Suzy glanced at him.

“I’m gonna fucking own your ass at skeeball,” he told Suzy.

“You’re on.”

* * * 

Dave and Buster’s was… itself.

Loud, full of bright flashing lights and people running hither and yon.

There weren’t a lot of kids, since it was a Thursday night, and there weren’t too many drunk people either, since it wasn’t super late. 

And Suzy watched Dan and Arin interact affectionately, and was… okay.

Surprisingly okay. 

Arin played some kind of punch out game, and Dan was right next to him, just watching with big eyes full of affection, and Suzy was genuinely touched.

Arin wrapped his arms around Dan’s middle while Dan played some kind of game from his childhood - Suzy was more focused on playing skee ball against Barry, and beating his ass. 

“How are you so good at this?!” 

Barry looked forlorn.

Suzy grinned, all teeth.

“What can I say? I’ve got talents!”

The little charm glimmered against the fabric of Barry’s shirt, catching the flashing lights.

Her bracelet was heavy on her wrist, and she relished the weight of it. 

Knowing that she belonged to someone, in a certain way.

“You’ve got plenty of talents,” said Barry, and then his expression went wicked.

“How about, whoever wins the next round gets to top?” He waggled his eyebrows.

Suzy snickered, grabbing a ball. 

“You’re on.”

* * * 

It was a tie. 

Because of course it was.

“What does this mean?” They both stared at the machines, with their identical scores blinking up at them.

“It means… we have vanilla sex tonight?”

“Or it means we play air hockey,” Suzy suggested.

“That works too,” Barry said, his tone amicable. 

* * * 

The air hockey was a tie as well, and Suzy nearly got hit in the face with the puck. 

She made an annoyed noise.

“I’ll be right back,” she told Barry, and she kissed him, heading towards the restrooms.

* * * 

She stopped when she reached it, staring at the sign.

_Anyone, regardless of gender identity or presentation, is allowed to use this restroom._

It was next to both of the restrooms.

Which caused a problem. 

Crap.

Well….

Suzy took a deep breath, reaching for the door’s handle. 

“What are you _doing_?!”

There was a man there, who had a beard that you could lose a small mammal in, looking at her incredulously. 

“I need to go to the bathroom,” Suzy said. 

She didn’t even think to pitch her voice down - it came out as a squeak.

“That’s not the lady’s room,” the guy said. 

“I’m aware of that,” Suzy said, and her knees were practically knocking together. 

“So why the fuck are you going into the men’s room? Are you some kind of pervert?” 

He was glaring at her, and even in the dim light, she could tell that his face was turning red.

Her stomach was tying itself in knots.

“I mean,” said a voice from behind the guy, and then there was a long shape, with bushy hair, coming towards her. “Why do you care?”

It was Dan, looking like his usual Dan self.

“What?”

“This person wants to pee,” Dan said, and he wasn’t using any kind of pronouns, which was a bit of a relief, although she couldn’t entirely explain why. “Or are you some kind of pervert who cares about other people pissing?”

“That’s not what I - “

“I mean,” said Dan, holding both hands up and coming to stand next to Suzy. “There’s nothing wrong with that! Just, maybe, at a family establishment, maybe not the right place”

He put a hand on Suzy’s shoulder, and he opened the bathroom door, ushering her in.

She looked up at him, and she smiled at him.

“Thanks for that,” she said. 

“Don’t worry about it,” said Dan, and he squeezed her shoulder. “I’ve, um… I’ve done some research on the gender stuff, since I was such an idiot about it before. So, uh… I’ve got your back, okay?”

She put a hand over her chest, genuinely touched, and then she slipped into a bathroom stall to pee.

A men’s room, it turned out, wasn’t that much different from a lady’s room. It just smelled stronger, and had urinals. 

She washed her hands, and she left the bathroom with Dan, talking about this and that.

It was easier between them than it had been in almost a year. 

* * * 

Later, the four of them stood around a table at the bar with ridiculous drinks in front of them, although Barry’s was the only one that had any alcohol in it.

Suzy wrinkled her nose when she kissed him, the alcohol strong on his breath, mixed with all the sugar.

“Um,” she said, and then she cleared her throat. “Guys?”

 

“What’s up?” 

Arin looked at her, his expression a bit worried.

“Nothing big,” Suzy said. “I was just, um… I was wondering….” She cleared her throat. “How would you feel about me going by a new name?”

“It’d take a little bit of getting used to,” said Arin, “but I could do it.”

Dan blushed. 

“You guys are, um, you’re having a… relationship moment,” said Dan. “Do you want me to give you guys some space?”

“No,” said Suzy. “You’re kinda part of this too. Since you’re our friend.”

“Thanks, Scuze,” said Dan. He looked genuinely touched.

“So what name were you thinking of?”

“... I have no idea,” Suzy said. “There’s… there’s something else as well.”

“What’s up?”

“Would it be alright if I… if I used different pronouns?”

“Of course,” said Barry, and he took her hand.

“Which ones do you want? Or, like, which ones do you want to use, I should say,” said Arin, pressing closer to her. 

“... I was thinking “they”,” said Suzy. “If that’s alright?”

“It’s totally alright,” Arin said. “And you’d wanna be referred to like that all the time.”

“Yeah,” said Suzy. “I think… when I’ve gotten, you know, when I’ve figured out a name, I’m gonna come out on my channel.”

“That’s… really brave,” said Dan. “But… we’ve got your back. Even me. I know I’m not in, like, the dating class, but -”

“Thank you, Dan,” said Suzy, to stop the stream of chatter. 

Then she - no, _they_ \- paused. 

“Actually, you know what I’d like to do right now?”

“What?”

“Let’s all get pancakes, at the one diner.”

Barry squeezed his partner’s left hand, and Arin leaned against his spouse’s side. 

This was all… weird, and scary, but it was going to be alright.

It was. 

They would make sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Like this fic?
> 
> Check out my tumblr, theseusinthemaze.tumblr.com


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